Are you ready, people. We're still not done. Let's squeeze this fruit dry.
There is only one more way to exhaust our hypothetical prognostications for the 2012-13 hoops season: a fantasy draft.
The dialogue below proves it was worth doing. And damn if I didn't have to cut out about 13 hilarious/inappropriate jokes from the email correspondence, either because there was way too much profanity or unnamed teams/players got thrown under the bus in the name of draft trash talk. Half the stuff that would've made this twice as good had to be censored out, which is a shame. Basically just picture Goodman mocking all of us, Borzello saying, "OK, guy," Parrish lobbing just completely inappropriate insults every which way and you'll get the picture.
Read this and notice the deep themes at work, most notably Parrish basically sleeptyping his way through this thing and forgetting when his pick is up and who is off the board. Yes, he is that guy: the worst fantasy owner ever, who just downs the food in the back of the room and texts with his significant other the whole draft.
The rules were simple: We filled up our rosters the way college teams do it, with 13 scholarship players. Anyone and everyone on the board. No rules aside from that, except of course that Borzello wasn't allowed to draft players based solely on guys who have "flow" or "crush" things. No drafting coaches or any of that. Just take the 13 best players you think would build your best team -- not for fantasy scoring purposes (if that was the case, way more small-league guys would have been chosen), but theoretical team-building.
Parrish had the first pick, and we went from there.
|CBSSports.com college basketball fantasy draft|
|First Round||Cody Zeller||Shabazz Muhammad||Doug McDermott||Nerlens Noel|
|Second Round||Tony Mitchell||Phil Pressey||Deshaun Thomas||Isaiah Canaan|
|Third Round||Michael Snaer||James M. McAdoo||CJ McCollum||Jamaal Franklin|
|Fourth Round||Marcus Smart||Trey Burke||Aaron Craft||Mike Moser|
|Fifth Round||Otto Porter||Gorgui Dieng||Jeff Withey||CJ Leslie|
|Sixth Round||Matthew Dellavedova||Alex Poythress||BJ Young||Kyle Anderson|
|Seventh Round||Trevor Mbakwe||Adonis Thomas||Le'Bryan Nash||Jarnell Stokes|
|Eighth Round||Archie Goodwin||Alex Len||Pierre Jackson||Andre Roberson|
|Ninth Round||Peyton Siva||Nate Wolters||Mason Plumlee||Christian Watford|
|10th Round||Isaiah Austin||Ben McLemore||Chane Behanan||Elias Harris|
|11th Round||Branden Dawson||Rotnei Clarke||Lorenzo Brown||Mark Lyons|
|12th Round||Patric Young||Victor Oladipo||Anthony Bennett||Chaz Williams|
|13th Round||Kevin Pangos||Erik Murphy||Steven Adams||Aaric Murray|
1. Cody Zeller (Parrish). He's the best player on one of the nation's best teams and a serious contender to be the No. 1 pick in next June's NBA Draft. That makes Zeller a simple pick here. Would anybody really go with anybody else?
2. Shabazz Muhammad (Goodman). I know he might not be eligible for the first part of the season, but I'm confident my bench will be strong enough to get up into March -- where anything can happen. That's when Muhammad will show there's no one else like him -- a tough, strong, athletic and physical wing who can score and defend.
Parrish: I love that Goodman spent an hour arguing against Shabazz as a First Team All-American, then selected him second overall.
Goodman: I know, I know. Took Shabazz for March.
3. Doug McDermott (Borzello). One of the biggest matchup problems in the country, McDermott is a lock for 20 and 10 every night. He's effective around the bucket but can also step out and shoot the 3. Plus, he's a hard worker and a team player. What more can you ask for? Maybe now people will get off my back for leaving McDermott off my Dream Team.
4. Nerlens Noel (Norlander). I am in love with his physical presence and potential He can't possible duplicate what Anthony Davis did all around, but I think he'll have a better year defensively. He might be so intimidating we'll never know all the shots that could've been blocked because they won't get attempted against him.
5. Isaiah Canaan (Norlander). Love this. Got a solid middle man and a veteran point guard who's improved his game with each season. Canaan's the best 1 in the game this season, I think, because of what he offers, and his Murray State career proves you can build a team around him. Now imagine him bolstered by NBA-level talent.
|Buckeye Deshaun Thomas reacts to the news that Jeff Borzello is now his owner. (US Presswire)|
6. Deshaun Thomas (Borzello). Is there any possible way that Thomas doesn't average 20 points a game this season? That's what he scored in the 12 games leading up to the Final Four loss to Kansas. He's essentially an impossible matchup for most defenders, as he can score off the dribble, in the paint and also has stretched his game to the perimeter. The lefty loves to score, and score he will. Good luck defending my forward tandem of McDermott and Thomas. He was fourth in my top 100 rankings. I think he's an absolute stud. I don't care about knuckleheads on my team. I ain't running Duke over here. This is UNLV, homie.
7. Phil Pressey (Goodman). Seriously, was there really even a debate here? Pressey is jet-quick and makes guys into studs. Just ask Marcus Denmon or Kim English. No better point guard in the nation and, yep, I've got him.
Borzello: When my team slows it down, have fun with Pressey in the half-court. And good luck having a guy who isn't eligible.
8. Tony Mitchell (Parrish). Looks like my frontcourt is set with two players who will be top-10 picks in the 2013 NBA Draft. Y'all gonna let me get a lottery pick at small forward, shooting guard and point guard, too? I'm like the John Calipari of this draft. You guys are like the Marylands and ... the Marylands.
Norlander: Parrish you've actually got back-to-back picks.
Goodman: Back-to-back, Jack. Let's go.
9. Michael Snaer (Parrish). Now I've added a 6-foot-5 guard who can defend at least two positions really well. He can make a jumper at any time if I need it. And he can make a winning play on the offensive or defensive end in the final minute if I need it.
10. James Michael McAdoo (Goodman). If you haven't noticed, Tyler Zeller and John Henson aren't in Chapel Hill anymore. That means it's McAdoo's turn -- and he's capable of making a Thomas Robinson-esque jump this season. McAdoo is skilled, athletic, rebounds, can block shots and plays with a motor. He'll quickly become one of the nation's elite players now given the opportunity.
11. C.J. McCollum (Borzello). Sure, my team defense won't be amazing, but we'll worry about that later. Is someone really going to stop this team? McCollum is one of he best scoring guards in the country, and he showed he could put up points against anyone when he lit up Duke in the NCAA tournament. And now he wouldn't be the focal point of every defense. Plus, he's a good rebounder and shares the ball. I don't see how anyone slows down the McDermott-Thomas-McCollum trio.
Goodman: Won't be amazing? I'm not sure you could put together a worse defensive team if you tried. You need Craft as your point guard. Badly.
Goodman: Go ahead, Norlander. Take Withey and pair him with Nerlens.
12. Jamaal Franklin (Norlander). I need a solid two guard -- and this one's already proven he can guard four positions. Great complement to Canaan and more dependable offensively than Craft.
13. Mike Moser (Norlander). Mike Moser. A blooming combo big who can pull guys away from the color, anchored there due to Noel. I can't believe he fell this far, as I think he'll flirt with being a First Team AA throughout the winter. Plus, he's No. 6 in our top 100 and I'm getting him at 13? Thanks, guys!
Parrish: Am I up?
Borzello: No. I'm up, then Goodman. Then you get two picks.
14. Aaron Craft (Borzello). I personally have Trey Burke higher on my big board (of course I have a big board, how else would my team be so good?), but I need a pass-first point guard who defends. Craft is exactly that. He doesn't need shots, and he's an absolute lockdown defender. I have enough scorers; Craft will make sure I actually stop someone too.
15. Trey Burke (Goodman). I already have Pressey, so there's really no reason to take Burke here -- except to kill Parrish, who doesn't have a point guard yet. For my money, you can never have enough quality guys who can run a team -- and I'll let the two best floor leaders in the country battle it out to see who runs my unbeatable squad.
Goodman: Print that [expletive] in your comments section, Matty Numbers.
16. Marcus Smart (Parrish). I'll be honest, I wanted Craft or Burke (in that order) and was disappointed when I saw you clowns take them. But now look. I've just drafted the dude who's going to play point guard for Oklahoma State and lead the Cowboys back to the NCAA tournament, the dude Billy Donovan and Mark Few fell in love with this summer while they coached him with USA Basketball. Consequently, I'm starting two 6-4 guards in my backcourt. So I'm long and I'm strong and I'm down to get the friction on. (Seriously, how is anybody ever gonna score on me?)
Goodman: You got one more pick, dumbass. You may wanna take a real point guard this time.
|Otto Porter didn't play AAU ball and has become one of the Big East's best players. (US Presswire)|
17. Otto Porter (Parrish). I was tempted to go small here -- C.J. McCollum? -- and slide Snaer over to the wing, but I'm gonna continue to try to overwhelm you guys with size. I'll take Porter and play him at small forward. And now my starting line up is 6-4, 6-5, 6-8, 6-8 and 7-0. Good luck.
Borzello: You couldn't take McCollum, doofus. Already on my juggernaut.
18. Gorgui Dieng (Goodman). Yes, I mocked Louisville fans when he became eligible two years ago. Now the 6-foot-11 Senegal native has made me look stupid -- so I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to grab arguably the best defensive big man in the country. I love Nerlens Noel, but Dieng has already done it at this level -- he swatted 128 shots last season and can also score a bit (he averaged 9.1 points per game).
19. Jeff Withey (Borzello). I spent the first three rounds rounding up big-time scorers; now I've gone with back-to-back defensive stoppers. Withey won the Big 12 Defensive Player of the Year and blocked 140 shots -- including 31 in the NCAA tournament. He's also a decent rebounder, and got better offensively as the season progressed. He averaged 11.2 points per game in the final 17 games of the season; I would certainly take that if he continues to dominate the interior defensively.
Goodman: Norlander with two picks. I'll warn you, I'm considering taking Wolters soon.
Borzello: I would do it just to [expletive] with him.
Goodman: I already [expletive] with Parrish; you don't think I'll do it to Norlander. Take Wolters and make him my, um, water boy.
Norlander: I won't go Wolters just yet -- but I am openly daring Goodman to pick him before the 10th round.
20. C.J. Leslie (Norlander). I fill out my starting five with a tweener and slender scoring machine in Leslie, and I like him here because, if there are any issues about him not being an alpha, it won't be a problem on this team. Seems to me he's the type of player who gets lifted by the talent around him. You'll get to see that play out in real time this season when NC State threatens to win the ACC.
21. Kyle Anderson (Norlander). And here's my freshman, the 6-9 point guard who stands a good chance at getting 314 features written on him this year if he can get eligible and cause everyone to overreact at the first Magic Johnson reference. Anderson is a deft talent with the ability to confidently run an offense. He works fantastically as a sixth man, one who can step in to replace Canaan or even run the offense, because Canaan play the 2 as well.
22. BJ Young (Borzello). I really wanted Leslie, since I had him No. 6 in my rankings. But I'll settle for Young, one of the most underrated freshmen in the country last season. He's extremely efficient from both inside and outside the 3-point line, and he can really score. Young averaged 19 points a game in the final nine contests of last season, and I expect that to continue this year. He would be perfect to come off the bench and just put up points.
23. Alex Poythress (Goodman). Man, you guys really screwed up by letting Poythress slip this far. Now I've got my starting small forward -- a guy who can literally do everything on the court. Don't be surprised if he's a lottery pick after the season.
Parrish: Is it my pick yet?
Borzello: Yes, two picks.
|Saint Mary's Matthew Dellavedova played in London this summer, and now he's with Parrish. (US Presswire)|
24. Matthew Dellavedova (Parrish). I feel pretty good about Marcus Smart as my point guard -- Billy Donovan, who coached Smart this summer with USA Basketball, told me Smart can play there -- but I wouldn't mind having an experienced and true point guard to mentor or (when needed) replace him. Dellavedova is that guy. He averaged 15.5 points and 6.4 assists while only turning it over 2.9 times per game. He's about as steady as they come.
25. Trevor Mbakwe (Parrish). Yes, Mbakwe is coming off an injury (and an offseason DUI). But he's never not been a monster when healthy at Minnesota. He'll average a double-double this season and lead Minnesota to the NCAA tournament. He might be a top-10 player in the country, which makes him too good to pass on at No. 25.
25. Adonis Thomas (Goodman). I hate to brag, but my team is never, ever going to lose a game. In fact, I'm fairly certain my second unit will beat any of these other guys' starting groups. Adonis Thomas is versatile, athletic, smart and a match-up nightmare. He can shoot it, get to the basket and also can rebound and run.
Parrish: Adonis is the 26th pick, [expletive].
27. Le'Bryan Nash (Borzello). First off, I don't see how anyone's team is even close to mine right now. Norlander's team has holes everywhere, Goodman has no proven wing scorer (one that's guaranteed to be cleared, at least) and Parrish's crew is poised to score 45 points a game. As for me, yeah, I'm stocking up on studs. Next on my list is Nash, a big-time scorer who just needs to be focused and motivated in order to dominate. He's just another of my ridiculous matchup nightmares.
Parrish: My team is gonna hold bitches to 44 points per game.
Borzello: That's probably true too. You can be the Wisconsin of our league.
28. Jarnell Stokes (Norlander). I like big butts and I cannot lie. Stokes is a 270-pound landlord in the paint who adapted to D-I with a flash last season, despite missing the first half. I await to see what he'll do in college basketball in the year ahead, but I feel like he's approaching a point where there might not be five players in the sport who can take him one-on-one within six feet of the hoop. This is my seventh player.
29. Andre Roberson (Norlander). Like Kramer told Elaine as he stood in a room full of fifth-grade karate pupils, "I'm dominating." This selection will probably look even more brilliant by Christmas because Roberson's a sleeper pick for Second Team All-American. For two years running, this 3 has been the biggest talent on Colorado's roster -- just ask Tad Boyle. He's the Pac-12's best all-around defender and one of its most complete players; only Thomas Robinson grabbed defensive rebounds with more frequency last season. Roberson's especially strong for his size, able to score and contributes continuously without giving up style or effort on the other end. Reliable is an insult of a compliment. This is a robbery.
Goodman: Nice pick of Stokes. Maybe you aren't just a numbers geek.
Norlander: How I interpret Goodman looking at me being next in line and then seeing my Stokes pick.
Borzello: You and the Gifs, bro. Christ.
Norlander: Yeah, that ONE GIF I just dropped in our draft convo was a real doozy. You gonna be OK or do you need a few hours to recover before making your next pick?
Borzello: You were dropping them left and right last week. To be honest, I did like the one you used today. I'll be fine. Need to get this draft moving quickly again.
30. Pierre Jackson (Borzello). While Norlander overloads his team with power forwards and tweener forwards, I'll continue to have tremendous balance -- with my selection of Jackson. He started last season coming off the bench, which is what he would be doing on my team. He is athletic, can knock down shots, defends -- and plays with a ton of energy all the time. And he's used to being surrounded by lottery-level talents. When Craft needs a breather, there will certainly be no drop-off with Jackson coming into the game.
31. Alex Len (Goodman). The 7-foot Ukranian hasn't even begun to scratch the surface of what he can do. Remember, he missed the first 10 games last season. He's a legit 7-footer who is long and skilled. He can score with both hands around the basket, runs the court and provides the ideal complement to Dieng. Do not be surprised if he's a lottery pick after this season.
32. Archie Goodwin (Parrish). Guess I'll take another pro guard with size and put him on my bench. Goodwin will go higher than this -- much higher than this -- in next June's NBA Draft. He's a steal in the 30s. And the fact that he's a Kentucky Wildcat ensures I'll have a crowd to see him play. Remember, I'm not just trying to win games. I'm trying to fill my building, too. Dare Michael Snaer to not be great. Goodwin could prove to be the better player anyway.
33. Peyton Siva (Parrish). Why not get another point guard -- particularly another veteran point guard? Siva is an experienced winner with the potential to be an All-American. And he's from Louisville, which means I've taken a Wildcat and Cardinal with consecutive picks, which just might mean I'll be the Commonwealth's team.
Parrish: But I've got room for Stan Simpson! He's a new man this year!
34. Nate Wolters (Goodman). I feel bad doing this, but I know it's going to ruin Norlander's day, month and entire year. Especially when Wolters (who I actually really like as a player) doesn't ever get off my bench and becomes a glorified water boy. Don't worry, Matt, I'll FedEx you a case of tissues.
35. Mason Plumlee (Borzello): Pick of the year goes to Goodman for vulturing Wolters. Tough to follow that performance. But I'll go with Plumlee, who will be great in stretches off my bench. He has a great rebounding rate, especially on the defensive end, and he knows how to draw contact and get to the free-throw line. Moreover, Plumlee can block shots and my defense won't take a major hit when Withey comes out. Consistency is the biggest issue with Plumlee; he'll figure it out this year.
Norlander: I'm gonna need a day or two, guys.
Gonna go for a long walk and try to figure things out.
Goodman (after about a two-hour lapse): Let's go, Norlander. Pick 2 so we can finish this today.
Norlander: I've been blogging the hell out of it today to stave off Wolters depression.
36. Christian Watford (Norlander). OK, so I'm getting a versatile big man who can score from two to 22 feet? Yes, please. Plus, he's unafraid of commanding the ball in big moments. And aren't we drafting this with a fantasy-draft mindset? Or are we doing this as if this is an imaginary four-team league and Borzello's team actually believes it has a shot? Either way, Watford's getting his and helping me all the same.
37. Elias Harris (Norlander). Harris isn't a top-15 talent like some (OK, me) wished him to be a couple of years ago, but he's still actually pretty damn formidable. And maybe he has a monster year with Sacre gone in Spokane. As is, he probably won't see much playing time on this team, but he'll look good on the bench. I've basically assembled Voltron at this point.
38. Chane Behanan (Borzello). I was kind of joking about Norlander and his crew of forwards before, but now he's got at least six on his roster now. Not sure how Behanan slipped through his hands, though. He's a very good rebounder who came on strong down the stretch, averaging about 13 and eight in the NCAA tournament. He's not afraid to do the dirty work inside, and he's only getting better.
Norlander: I freely admit the Wolters pick has sent me into a tailspin within a glass case of emotion. Someone get me a Red Bull and a balloon and bring me to the horizon line.
Borzello: Actually, Jeffrey, you're up. He took Elias Harris with his second pick for some reason, and then I went with Chane Behanan.
39. Rotnei Clarke (Goodman). This is an easy one. He's the best shooter in the nation. Put him out there with Pressey, Shabazz, McAdoo and Alex Len and we'll score 150 points. Seriously, though, there's no better shooter -- and he is also perfect as my third point guard in case something happens to Pressey or Burke.
Borzello: Nate Wolters is going to be devastated he's not your third point guard.
Goodman: Actually, strike that one.
I'm going with:
39. Ben McLemore (Goodman). In case Muhammad is out for an extended period of time, I need a big, strong wing. McLemore is just that -- and will be Kansas' best scorer by the end of the year. He'll also be a first-round pick whenever he decides to leave Lawrence. I'll get Rotnei on the way back.
Norlander: I almost went McLemore to get back at Goodman but I just don't know his game enough to go off reputation. Not worried about the guards -- I've got a litter's pick in finishing up my roster now.
Parrish: Do I ever get to pick again?
Borzello: You get two picks now, Garrison.
Parrish: Give me a minute.
39. Mason Plumlee (Parrish). Y'all don't want a senior big who nearly averaged a double-double last season for a power-conference school that won 27 games? Cool. I'll take him. And now I've got two reserve bigs who should average a double-double this season.
Borzello: I picked Plumlee a couple picks ago.
Norlander: Oh, he knows. He just doesn't care.
40. Branden Dawson (Parrish). I need another wing and Dawson is, in my opinion, the best still on the board. Also worth noting: Two of my 11 players are coming off ACL tears. So there's that.
Parrish: [Expletive] OK. I'll go with ...
Borzello: Goodman, I assume you're taking Roteni now?
43. Lorenzo Brown (Borzello). One of my favorite players in the country, Brown has great size for the point guard position and he did well last season getting the ball into the hands of the Wolfpack's scoring weapons. Brown is also one of those weapons, with his ball-handling and passing ability, as well as his knack for getting into the lane and drawing defenders. Given his size and playmaking skills, Brown could be a first-round pick if he keeps improving as a full-time point guard.
Norlander: I believe these are picks 11 and 12 for me, which means I'll have the last pick of the draft when I take my 13th player.
44. Mark Lyons (Norlander). Sometimes you need guys not afraid to fight someone 60 pounds heavier and six inches taller than them. Give me Lyons, an aggressive player with skill at both guard positions who I think is bound for a really strong singular year at Arizona. He's better suited as a 2 and he'd fit well within this group in that role.
|Chaz Williams, just a brilliant pick by Norlander in the late rounds. (US Presswire)|
45. Chaz Williams (Norlander). If I'm getting guys taken from me, I'm doing the same for others. Borzello loves Williams, so I take him not only for mean-spirited pilfering, but also to get a true wild card on my team. Williams is listed at 5-9/175 pounds, when in fact he's even smaller than that -- but still taller than Parrish. Assembling a team is more than just tossing draft picks on a team and hoping it works out -- not even John Calipari can do that with a 100-percent success rate. Williams is an annoyance on the floor and could end up as a First Team A10 guy.
Borzello: Now you're dead.
Norlander: I'm sorry, can we get that response in GIF form?
46. Anthony Bennett (Borzello). I guess my boy Chaz going a pick before me is OK, since I have three point guards already. Either way, Bennett is a steal this late in the draft. He's my choice for Freshman of the Year, and I think he's an immediate impact guy for UNLV. He can score in different ways, and he's a matchup nightmare for most defenders. On my team, there's a logjam of talent at the forward positions -- but he will undoubtedly find a way to make an impact.
47. Victor Oladipo (Goodman). I need a guy who can flat-out lock-down opposing guards. I'm going to unleash Oladipo on Parrish's starting point guard, Marcus Smart, and it'll be a 10-second violation virtually every time. Oladipo brings energy, toughness and a defensive stopper to my team.
Norlander: Damn I love that Oladipo pick. Almost went with him before burning Borzello with Chaz.
Goodman: Who is up next?
48. Patric Young (Parrish). Why not grab one more big who projects as a future pro? Young made a nice jump from his freshman to sophomore season. Another jump this year is expected. And, either way, he's a veteran experienced in winning. And there's something to be said for having winners.
49. Kevin Pangos: (Parrish). I've got more bigs than I'll ever be able to play -- Note: I fully expect at least one to transfer after the season in search of playing time -- so I'll finish my roster by taking one last guard. Looking at it, I could use another shooter. Best on the board is Pangos -- a sophomore who shot 40 percent from beyond the arc last season thanks, in part, to his 9-of-13 effort from 3-point range against Washington State.
50. Erik Murphy (Goodman). The guy's 6-foot-10 and can shoot it from 25 feet. Consistently. Plus, I've known him forever -- so it's somewhat of a homer pick. But seriously, he can shoot the you-know-what out of the ball and he's a tough matchup for any four-man when he steps out.
51. Steven Adams (Borzello). Why not take a chance with my 13th pick? Adams has NBA scouts drooling over his potential, and he outplayed Nerlens Noel in a head-to-head battle last year. He's still somewhat raw with his back to the basket, but he has great hands and a high motor. Moreover, he's an outstanding defensive rebounder and a good shot-blocker. A potential lottery pick with the next-to-last pick in the draft? Count me in.
52. Aaric Murray (Norlander). Here it is, the final pick of our draft, and I'm book-ending my board with big men. Murray's a West Virginia transfer by way of La Salle. And just because he's not a household college hoop name now doesn't mean he won't become one. If a potential first-round NBA draft pick is the last man on the end of my bench, I think we know what we're all dealing with here: Imaginary basketball teams we all care too much about and use as means of misplaced pride. Hey, I love you guys.
Goodman: Damn, my team is so [expletive] dominant -- no holes, stars, role guys, everything.
Borzello: Do you have one wing player who can create his own shot? And is actually allowed to play?
Goodman: Um, Big Bad Ben McLemore. Dude is gonna be a killer. FYI -- I'm playing Poythress at the 3 and Shabazz at the 2.
Borzello: I don't think my team has a single weakness. It's uncanny.