Dear Gary: Is that a Blue Demon or a purple Grimace?
Updated March 4
The All-Stars came out this week, folks.
Lance Kreul is back.
The Chad returned, too.
And I've already figured out who will play for the NIT title (if the bracket sets up properly).
So let's get right to it, the latest edition of Dear Gary.
From: Lance Kreul
Seth Davis, SI.com wrote: "I don't see DePaul being included in a lot of mock brackets out there, but this is a team with home wins over Kansas, Notre Dame and Marquette plus a road win over Villanova. There are not a lot of bubble teams that can compete with that. Yes, the Blue Demons stumbled out of the gate losing at Bradley and at Northwestern, but since then their only really bad loss came at St. John's on Jan. 3. With four wins against the top 50 and a respectable non-conference strength of schedule ranking (of 92), DePaul is right on the cusp of at-largedom." Your peer agrees with me, Gary. DePaul will be dancing. Period.
Let me begin by saying it's great to hear from you, Lance. I've missed you, and not a week passes without someone asking about you (more to the point, they ask whether you've attempted to murder me yet because of past mailbags, starting with this one).
I'm glad you're back, and you were tame in approach relative to your own standards. So I'll be tame, too, and just state I respectfully disagree with you and my colleague Seth -- though I feel goofy calling Seth my colleague considering he appears on national television every weekend and I get excited if Greg Gumbel just happens to mention my name.
As for DePaul, yes, the Blue Demons have four top 50 wins, but the other part of that equation is that they have eight top 50 losses and 12 overall, which isn't really too impressive. Does DePaul still have a shot to make it? Perhaps. But I wouldn't count on anything other than a postseason showdown with Mississippi State in Madison Square Garden.
From: JH Dunn
I think you are overlooking a good quality team in Mississippi State. I think they could go deep in the tourney.
I'm not overlooking Mississippi State. I think they could go deep in the tourney, too. Hell, I just predicted them to meet DePaul in the NIT final.
From: Brian Davis
Why so much disrespect for the WAC? Three excellent teams in Nevada, Utah State, New Mexico State.
I'm not sure you know what the word "excellent" means.
From: Craig Wack, night sports editor at the Commercial Appeal (i.e., one of my former bosses)
(In response to A.J. Graves playing poorly against Southern Illinois because he was sick you wrote:) And don't tell me about throwing up. I once threw up two minutes before tipoff of a Memphis-Arkansas game at Bud Walton Arena. Washed my face, came out of the bathroom, filed an 18-inch gamer and 16-inch notebook, both on deadline, while Arkansas AD Frank Broyles cursed at broadcasters. So I accept no excuses. This is Division I basketball. You've got to be able to perform injured and/or sick.
Don't get too full of yourself. I imagine you were down for a 20-inch story and 18-inch notebook, and there was no mention about if you made that deadline.
Busted! But that's another good thing about online journalism, Craig. No hard deadlines. No hard inch counts. Plus, you can take letters from idiots -- and call them idiots -- and just make fun of them and expose the flaws in their arguments. Take Chris Corley, for example. Watch what I do to Chris Corley, that idiot.
From: Chris Corley
Before the season started you predicted the Missouri Tigers to finish last in the Big 12. Currently they are (sixth) in the Big 12 and you still don't even have them as a bubble team. Are you a racist?
Yep, you nailed me, Chris. The reason I don't have Missouri on the bubble isn't because the Tigers are sixth in the Big 12 with a 78 RPI. Or because they're 3-6 against the Top 50 at CollegeRPI.com, 5-8 against the Top 100 and owners of three losses outside the Top 100. Or because they lost home games to Iowa State and Nebraska. Or because eight of their 18 wins have come against teams ranked 225th or worse.
Despite all that evidence, the real reason I don't have Missouri on the bubble is because I'm a racist. And don't pay attention to the complimentary column I wrote in November about Mike Anderson -- the first paragraph read, "Mike Anderson is a basketball coach, and he's a damn fine basketball coach, too. He plays a fun style and wins lots of games. If your program ever passed on him, your program probably made a mistake." -- because that was just an attempt to disguise my racism.
Furthermore, there's something bigger happening here. I checked just about every projected bracket and nobody has Missouri on the bubble. So clearly everybody is racist because we couldn't all be omitting Missouri for its inferior credentials. It's because we are conspiring against one of the great rising coaches in the nation. Why? Because he is not white.
From: Roth
You might think this is really out there, but let me tell you something about one of your predictions. You have Oral Roberts winning the Mid-Continent, but there is one thing you don't know. Western Illinois, the last-place team in the Mid-Con, has more talent then some of the teams in the major conferences but they just don't play together very well. If they come together during their conference tourney, they won't just spoil it, they'll destroy it, and if they do this, it wouldn't surprise me at all if it led to a very early exit in the NCAA Tournament for one the nation's top teams.
Fans are so cute. If you don't pick their team it's always because you're biased, uninformed or just plain racist, but never because their team is terrible (like Western Illinois) and in possession of an RPI that ranks 328 out of 336 (like Western Illinois). As I said, fans are cute.
(Note to Roth: One crucial part of basketball is the ability to play "together very well." Just thought you should know. Note to everybody else: Western Illinois lost its first game in the Mid-Con Tournament by 17 points. Just thought you should know.)
From: Kent Russell
It's Sunday night. Hey slacker. Get your freaking poll out!
(In my best Michael Scott voice) That's what she said.
From: Brian Wilzbach
Gary: Have you ever been in a room with four people and found that your opinion is not shared by the other three? Do you start to question your opinion or do you just arrogantly think the other three are completely wrong?
The only time I'm in a room with three people who do not share my opinion is when I'm in a room with three stupid people because I am "officially a genius." And those aren't my words, Brian. Those are the words of Travis Sarandos.
From: Travis Sarandos
Holy freaking crap. Did you actually call that LSU over Florida upset? You are officially a genius, and I will never doubt anything you say about college basketball ever again.
I wouldn't limit it to college basketball, Travis. I'm a genius about all sorts of things.
From: Alex
I'm not one to sing endless praises, but wow. I don't think even diehard LSU fans picked the Tigers to upset Florida. Certainly nobody else in the media could envision LSU dominating Florida with Big Baby, let alone without him. Florida never even led the game after the first minute. You win Parrish.
I do win. Keep them coming.
From: John
I can't swallow that you predicted LSU over Florida! I know it was a whatever prediction, but it was one that you called. Props are due! Props are due. Keep them coming.
From: Paul
You are a pillow-biting idiot.
What?
From: Tom
You look like a chick.
A genius chick?
From: Spencer
You're myopic, if not a dips--t.
Hey Brian from above: Are Paul, Tom and Spencer the three people you were talking about in that room?
From: Mike
Thanks to The Chad I know who Stephane Lasme is, and I know he now has four triple-doubles this season. And it's always the blocks that get him there. Is this guy the next Adonal Foyle? I know what The Chad thinks of him, what do you think, though? Greatest shot-blocker in UMass history or greatest shot-blocker of all-time?
How about greatest central figure in the history of rambling and wildly entertaining e-mails? Does that work? Ladies and gentleman, I give you The Chad.
From: Chad "The Chad" Williams
The Chad went through a brief stage of creeping melancholia these past couple of days. The Chad watched a lot of All My Children. Sad times. Picture The Chad's sorrow in the form of being a pack of clowns drudging their way back home after a laughless day, while a bubble of tears is washing down their terrifying yet roguishly purple smiles.
You see, Gary, The Chad is full of bubbly tears right now; UMass' bubbly tears, since they're on the bubble for the Big Dance. The Chad is a pacifist so he isn't here to argue with your predictions and yes, while The Chad reaches for a Kleenex, he knows that UMASS for the most part has not proved themselves to be worthy of the dance just yet. Even if they've won 20 games, even if Stephane Lasme is parallel to Julius Caesar, even if Travis Ford played a part as Danny O'Grady in the 1997 film The Sixth Man starring Marlon Wayans, and even if Rashaun Freeman has a new haircut every game.
The bottom line is UMass needs to win the A-10 Tournament. Or maybe even give shooting guard James Life a much needed lobotomy so he can stop taking so many 3s and pass the ball down low to the vicious ogre tandem of Lasme and Freeman. The Chad would be willing to do the surgery, Gary.
Once again, The Chad appreciates Parrish's work this week and he knows UMASS has to step it up from Christopher Reeves speed to Mike Conley speed if they want to get their dance cards out. The Chad has hope, though, The Chad has hope. You just got to hug The Chad, given the alarming situation he's in.
Yes, there's more.
From: Chad "The Chad" Williams
The Chad once met an old man and, no, it's not Tim Christensen. This man had a beard and stood about 5-feet tall, wearing ghastly sweatpants along with a fanny pack and a Bible. He told The Chad the most powerful velocity is one who stares into the eye of death, a circular form of fear. He then went on to scream evangelical slurs into a crowd of people on the street.
The man was out of his mind, but The Chad realized immediately that this man was a prophet speaking to Stephane Lasme. The Lasme looks into this circular form of death nearly every game, yet he conquers this death as if he was the grim reaper. The Chad can assure you, Gary, that if the rims had mouths, which would be completely terrifying, they'd be yelling "Oh God, please more Advil! Send More Advil!" All because of the damage and supreme abuse Stephane Lasme would strike upon them during the A-10 tourney. And Xavier would be feeding them the Advil. The Chad would make Xavier do this, as if he was a quasi-Joseph Stalin, in basketball terms of course.
As for The Chad's still somewhat aching, perspective and feelings of UMASS being on the bubble, he's been climbing the mountains, wrestling with mountain lions, and basically becoming one with the mountains. Other than climbing mountains, The Chad has explored a numerous amount of mysteries.
For example, finding the origin of the infamously purple McDonald's character Grimace. Grimace is an impossible enigma to solve. No one in the world, except his creator, knows what Grimace can possibly be. The Chad was pondering the idea of Grimace being pre-processed bird meat. The Chad, after five minutes, felt like packing his bags on that mystery.
See Gary, The Chad finds it easy to take his mind off the gloomy possibilities of UMass' future by consuming himself in ideas and actions that, to the normal person, seem well ... let's say left of center. But The Chad is left-handed so it all works out!
Anyways, The Chad can only wait and see where UMass' future is in the next week or two. The Chad prays every night, to every god, even Tom Cruise's god -- Wait. Do Scientologists have a god? -- about UMass' hopes of making it to the dance. Once again, loved the work Gary, especially the Loyola piece on Hank Gathers and Bo Kimble. Sorry again for the length of this note, The Chad got carried away again. But until next time, you just got to love The Chad!
No question, you just got to love The Chad.
