Freshman entrance exam: Here's your study sheet, stupid

Nate Miles violated a restraining order 16 minutes after receiving it.

That's hard to do, folks.

Jim Calhoun loses Nate Miles before the freshman plays a game. (Getty Images)

I mean, it takes me longer than that to respond to most e-mails. Or even read them. But sure enough, the Connecticut freshman was in a courtroom early this week, answering charges that he violated a restraining order by calling a woman just 16 minutes after she had the restraining order issued against him. Then Connecticut reportedly expelled Miles on Thursday, possibly ending his career with Jim Calhoun's program before it ever even got started.

Unreal.

But rather than spend an entire column maligning Miles, I'd like to take this opportunity to offer a freshman orientation of sorts -- just something all first-year student-athletes can print and save to help them get through the transitional period that comes with college.

To be clear, I wish this weren't necessary. But we've already had multiple issues and the season is still more than a month away. So it's probably time to intervene and counsel our young ballers.

Where to begin?

Rule No. 1: Don't violate restraining orders

In a perfect world I would suggest not getting restraining orders issued against you. But hey, stuff happens, right? And if it happens to you, then you have to, well, stay away. That means no visits or phone calls or text messages or anything. That means it's time to take your broken heart (and obsessive mind) and move on, which should be doable given how you're a Division I basketball player who lives near hundreds (if not thousands) of beautiful young women. Surely you can find at least one (and perhaps 20) who would like to welcome you to campus, can't you? Of course you can! So it makes no sense to call the only one who has gone to the police and asked for legal assistance to help keep you away.

Use your brain, stupid.

Why stalk one when you can have them all?

Rule No. 2: Don't fight teammates (or people in general)

For whatever reason, college kids love to fight, and I've never understood it. Best I can tell, even when you dominate a fight you still run the risk of getting hit in the face at least once, and I've never wanted to hit anybody so badly that I thought it was worth getting hit myself. Thus, I haven't fought since fifth grade.

But Johnny Higgins is different.

The New Mexico State freshman was, according to sources, involved in at least two physical altercations within months of moving to Las Cruces and subsequently dismissed by second-year coach Marvin Menzies for a "violation of team rules." And that's the thing about team rules; they almost always include some stipulation about not fighting. So keep that in mind as you close your fists. Even if you win, you lose.

Rule No. 3: Don't shoot BB guns on campus

Sounds simple, doesn't it?

But try telling that to Kansas freshman Markieff Morris, who was charged with battery in August after allegedly shooting an Airsoft rifle BB gun out of the window of his university dorm room and hitting a woman. Seriously, Morris was just sitting around the dorm one night, presumably bored, and decided that instead of going to the gym to work on his jumper he'd rather (allegedly) pass the time unloading pellets on an unsuspecting woman.

Now he has a December court date.

So again -- and I can't stress this enough -- don't shoot BB guns on campus. If you're tempted, call somebody and let them talk you out of it. But just make sure the somebody you call doesn't have a restraining order against you because in that case you'll just be creating more problems for yourself.