I haven't seen Gremlins in years.
Maybe decades.
But the topic came up on local radio the other day because a writer called it one of his favorite Christmas movies, at which time I thought to myself: "Gremlins isn't a Christmas movie; it's a don't-get-them-wet-or-feed-them-after-midnight movie." That's what you remember, right? But as it turns out, Gremlins actually is a Christmas movie, or at least a movie set around Christmas. And the most memorable Christmas scene (and by memorable, I mean disturbing and totally out of line for a so-called children's film) is the one where Kate tells the story of how her Dad once dressed up as Santa and tried to come down the chimney, only to slip, break his neck and die instantly with an armful of presents.
Now I have two questions:
1. What the hell is wrong with Kate?
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| All Lazar Hayward and Marquette need is a little height. (AP) |
2. How dumb was Kate's dad?
Who thinks it's wise to go down a chimney, particularly with an armful of presents? He must've been drunk or high. Or both. But even then, it's an incredibly stupid thing to do, and so while I acknowledge it's terrible that Kate had to grow up without a father, it's easy to assume the old man had it coming, one way or another. You just can't be that stupid and live a long life.
Anyway, it all got me thinking, and what I realized was that lost in the story about Kate losing her father is that she also lost all of her Christmas presents that particular year, which is kind of like a double-whammy. I mean, I realize it's never a good time to lose your father, especially in your chimney. But it must be easier to cope if you've got a new Wii to play with, or some Bakugan Battle Brawlers. Kate had neither. Best I can tell, she didn't get a thing that year, and not getting presents sure does make for a lame Christmas, and now I'm going to tie this back into basketball, I promise.
(You were wondering, weren't you?)
You see, there are several college basketball programs that need a gift from Santa this Christmas, and if they get that gift they'll probably be OK. However, if Santa pulls a "Kate's dad" and gets caught in the chimney, January, February and March are going to be difficult, because I'm not sure how Virginia Tech's Seth Greenberg is going to survive if Santa doesn't bring somebody to defend the buzzer-beater.
Man, does he need that.
And here are five other entities waiting on presents:
Marquette
What the Golden Eagles need: A post player
As I pointed out last week, the average height of Marquette's players, according to KenPom.com, is 75.3 inches, which is a tad under 6-foot-3. That ranks 315th nationally, or 72nd out of 73 BCS-affiliated schools (ahead of only Nebraska). So while Buzz Williams has done a good job so far of disguising this problem (the Golden Eagles are 10-2 with wins over Wisconsin and N.C. State), it's fair to wonder if a size-deficient team can survive a Big East schedule, particularly a Big East schedule that closes with games against Georgetown (Greg Monroe), Connecticut (Hasheem Thabeet), Louisville (Samardo Samuels), Pittsburgh (DeJuan Blair) and Syracuse (Arinze Onuaku).
That slate of games could be a bubble-buster for anybody.
But it should be especially tough for a team of short dudes.
Duke
What the Blue Devils need: Some Hatorade for the haters
I ranked Duke fourth in the preseason Top 25 (and one), at which point I was widely criticized, and I never understood it. Despite the fact that Duke returned the core of a 28-win team, people wanted to talk about how the Blue Devils lost in the second round of last season's NCAA tournament, as if that was the most important thing to consider.
You know who else lost in the second round of last season's NCAA tournament?
Pittsburgh.
But nobody cared if you ranked Pitt in the top five. And UConn lost in the first round, but pretty much everybody had the Huskies in the top three. So as usual, the average fan was holding Duke to a different standard. But now here we are, approaching the new year, and Duke is 10-1 -- with wins over No. 10 Purdue, No. 14 Xavier and No. 24 Michigan -- and ranked fifth in the AP poll, and sooner or later people are going to realize that whether you like Duke or hate Duke, you must admit that Duke is almost always going to field an elite team, at least as long as Mike Krzyzewski is involved.
The Pac-10
What the Pac-10 needs: An obvious and undeniable good team
There are just two Pac-10 schools ranked in the latest AP Poll: No. 13 UCLA and No. 20 Arizona State. And though I like both teams, UCLA (8-2 overall, 0-2 against the Top 25) is unproven and Arizona State (9-1 overall, 0-1 against the Top 25) nearly lost back-to-back home games to IUPUI and BYU. Stanford is undefeated, but that means nothing; Arizona is just as likely to beat Gonzaga by five as it is to lose to UNLV by 15; Cal is limited; Southern California already has three losses; Washington State has lost three of five; Washington has two losses despite playing no currently ranked teams; and Oregon and Oregon State stink.
Add it up, and the only thing worse than the Pac-10 is the SEC.
But at least the SEC has great football; the Pac-10 doesn't even have that.
Syracuse
What the Orange need: A reformed Eric Devendorf
I'm OK with a Syracuse University Appeals Board softening Eric Devendorf's suspension to what should amount to two games, but now it's time for the junior guard to realize he's fortunate and return to the team with more focus, both on and off the court. Devendorf was already on probation before last month's incident that resulted in him being accused of hitting a female student in the face. So regardless of whether you believe that happened the way the alleged victim said it happened, I think we can all agree that Devendorf has a unique ability to find trouble, and it's time for that to stop.
AP poll
What the AP poll needs: More sensible voters
I make a living goofing on silly voters each Monday in the Poll Attacks, so I appreciate them. But in all seriousness, some of the people voting are so clueless that you have to wonder why their votes haven't been revoked.
For instance, how can someone rank Kansas and Florida 16th and 18th?
No idea.
But the guy from the Athens Banner-Herald did it this week, and he omitted Ohio State and Clemson.
How can someone rank Memphis but not Syracuse?
No idea.
But the guy from the San Jose Mercury News did it this week.
How can someone still not be ranking Baylor?
No idea.
But the guy from the Baton Rouge Advocate did it this week.
Honestly, I could go on and on and on and on, just like that Journey song. And I guarantee you that if any of those voters were asked to defend those ballots they couldn't do it, and they'd just have to plead ignorance or carelessness, or both. So here's hoping Santa comes down the chimney at the AP office with a new list of knowledgeable voters, because if that happens we can throw these crazy ballots into the fireplace and have them burn up, you know, just like Kate's dad, that old drunk.
