Hate Mail: In the usual spirited holiday mood

Updated Dec. 25

Merry Christmas or happy holidays, or what the hell -- how's your Thursday? Whatever the case, I'm feeling festive. I'm feeling good. Dare I say it, I'm feeling pure.

Your Christmas Day version of Hate Mail will keep sex jokes to a minimum.

After this first letter. And maybe the second.

From: S. Claus

Ho, Ho, Ho -- that special time of year is almost here, but since you began writing for CBSSports.com, the vast majority of your readers have begged me to boycott the Doyel house. Yet the missus has been asking me to show some kindness. Can you think of any reason I should take you off my s--- list, Gregg?

I already gave Ms. Claus my best reason. Ask her. After she rests up.

From: Stingodile

Who cares if Texas will be good next year? They hammered Oklahoma and deserve the title game as reciprocation. You're an idiot who probably draws in the beach sand with a stick.

Your girlfriend likes the stick.

From: Stingodile

OK, I just took the time to read that Texas article. Good job, and I apologize. I would still like to fight you, as you look like fair game.

Aww. I take it back about your girlfriend.

From: Glenn

I have a problem and I thought you could help. I am trying to get a colleague at work to also appreciate your work, but he doesn't seem inclined. Any suggestions?

A claw hammer might work.

From: Leland

In your Heisman rant you say, "Sometimes it is what it is." Look, pal, it is always what it is. It's a tautology is what it is. Tautologies are substantively empty. Criteria is plural. Criterion is singular.

Not sure you're correct. Not sure you're even coherent.

From: Joshi

I just read your column on geographic bias in the Heisman vote. I have to say, great column.

It was great, it really was. Right up until they announced the winner and it was ...

From: Derrick

Sam Bradford for Heisman. Good call. Totally didn't make you look like a douchebag or anything like that.

Only douchebags use the word "douchebag." And I bet when you're feeling good and snarky there at good ol' Lyndon State -- looked you up, Derrick -- you sign your e-mails with the word "best."

From: Erik

"When the results are announced Saturday, Tebow will have carried the South -- and that will carry him to the Heisman. This isn't a prediction. This is a lock." Oops?

You know my problem? I overestimated voters. It never occurred to me that more than 100 homers west of the Mississippi would leave Tebow completely OFF their ballot. I honestly didn't see it coming. Voters are dumber than I thought, and I thought they were plenty dumb.

From: Robert

You are the sorriest excuse for a writer I have ever seen. And you look like Fred Durst on crack.

I'm pretty sure you'll be hearing from Fred Durst's lawyers, unless Fred Durst knows exactly what I look like. And then you'll be hearing from his florist.

From: Apu Chakraborty

You had Western Michigan beating Nebraska in your 64-team bracket. Do you think that Western Michigan somehow improved by 24 points over the course of the season? Because they played once this year and Nebraska won by 23 in Nebraska's first game.

No. Western Michigan didn't get 24 points better. Nebraska got 24 points worse. And your name is an anagram for "touchy parka bra."

From: Burton DeWitt

I found an anagram of my name: "twired button." Twire is a twisted filament as a noun or to leer as a verb. It also means to sing. What these two words mean together, I haven't the foggiest. But it sure beats studying for a test I'm going to fail. Good thing I only need 16 percent on it to pass the class.

Can't beat a Baylor education. And for your anagram, I prefer "Won't bite turd." As should you.

From: Zach Gillis

Just saw your video with Lauren Shehadi. What's up with all the "chicken crossing the road" references? Otherwise I followed what you were saying, but I just didn't get how Heisman voting is like a chicken crossing the road.

The Heisman really isn't anything like a chicken crossing the road. It's more like wood chucks chucking wood.

From: Alan

Nice video Doyel!!! You don't think Shehadi thought you were a complete idiot, do you? I kind of got the feeling that she wasn't buying -- like the rest of us -- that you don't look like your picture.

Just because Playboy magazine says Shehadi is one of the hottest sportscasters in America -- look it up -- doesn't mean that I'm not hot in my own right. I'm just waiting for Playgirl to rate the men. Wait, that didn't come out right ...

From: Jon Vinje

Just read Freeman's latest atrocity -- Burress and gun class -- and I have to ask you: Doesn't it get frustrating paired up against him? The best are always looking for that next challenge, not hanging out with the kids who care more about that shiny thing outside the classroom window. Jason Whitlock, Gregg Easterbrook, Stewart Mandel and Bill Simmons are the guys you should be arguing with.

Only one of those four guys you mentioned are worth my time. Only one, and the Big Sexy knows who he is. And the other three know I'm right.

From: Kenny E.

No Monday morning column. Holidays are making you soft, Gregg. You're becoming the Fat Albert of CBSSports.com. Lauren Shehadi is going to start consorting with more talented writers I'm afraid.

Luckily for me, no such writers exist. Unless she likes 'em large.

From: Glenn

Nothing from you since Dec. 11. Since when did you ever work hard enough to need a vacation?

Since we hired Freeman and I started carrying this site.

From: R. Gates

I know it's a recession and people are cutting back on everything, but must that list include Doyel articles as well?

I went on vacation! Anyway, I included this letter just to prove that I do have readers who like me.

From: Burton DeWitt

Where's Hate Mail, jackass? Need Hate Mail! Hate Mail?!? Hate Mail!!!

And this one.

From: Scott

I hate you because you haven't updated Hate Mail yet. One of the few joys in my otherwise pathetic existence is reading you bash others. Hurry up already!

And this.

From: A. Friggin Moron

Where's Hate Mail? It's 1:20 p.m. on Thursday afternoon. I just came back from a company holiday luncheon, and I did not win any gift certificates. I NEED Hate Mail now.

OK, now I'm just showing off.

From: Tony Copelin

I was born in 1964 and have been an OU fan since I can recall having memories. Watching a well-run wishbone attack was like watching David Copperfield at his best. Thanks for bringing back some fantastic memories.

Nothing better than the wishbone. I feel bad for kids today who just don't know. Whippersnappers. And with that, I have become my grandfather.

From: Jerry G.

Wow, did your whole family beat you as a child ... and does everyone at the office still pick on you for being a pencil-necked four-eyed thumb-sucking dweeb? If you are a professional writer, you should give up and shoot yourself because your hatred of the Cowboys is painfully evident. I can see right through you because you are empty and if you were around I would feel compelled to prove it.

By doing what -- painting me? Yeah, Jerry, I looked you up. And I took out the rest of your last name so nobody else can find you. As much as you need the help, I'm not giving your or your business the free pub.

From: Virgil

For the most part I found your article insightful. However, I felt the use of the word "hate" was inappropriate. We should remember that it is a game.

I "hate" you. And Merry Thursday.