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Hate Mail: Sunshine State in fighting mood


Florida is a strange-looking state, you know that? Look at a map of the USA. See that piece of land that juts out to the East and then just sort of ... sags? That's Florida.

They're mad at me down there, from Gainesville to Miami. So be mad at me, Florida. I just called your whole state limp.

My dad lives in Florida. My bosses do, too. Nobody ever said I was scared. Or smart.

Makes for good Hate Mail, though.

From: Tom Pronesti

Let's see when the playoffs come around, (deleted). You're a gutless wonder, writing this on the Miami Heat just eight games into the season.

On the contrary. By writing this now, eight games into the season, I'm putting myself way out there. I'm not a gutless wonder -- I'm the most interesting bravest man in the world.

From: Jon Smith

It's been eight games, you douche.

I know! The size of my, um, courage is really something to behold.

From: Richard

I have a problem with your information regarding Cam Newton. I respect the New York Times and its thorough investigation before it reports a story. They have far more credibility than you.

Once upon a time the New York Times was the best in the business. But the Times ain't what it used to be. Respect those folks all you want, but only if you also think Leave It To Beaver is the best show on television today.

From:Not Adam

So you're going to let the first eight games decide how bad the Heat are? Wow, take your hating somewhere else, Doyel.

Well, I can't take it to the New York Times -- they only hire agenda-waving clowns to write about college sports.

From: Jimmy

You rip apart a column from another site and give us a link to go read it?

Well, sure. I believe in sharing, especially something as illogically ridiculous as that piece of garbage. I still read it daily, just for laughs. It's pure comedy gold. Bookmarked it and everything, under the title "Thayer Evans."

From: Frank

You ask: "Why should we believe John Bond?" Well, why not? Auburn has a culture of cheating. It's the most penalized team in the SEC and third in D-1. But you shoot the messenger.

Hang on. Because Auburn leads the league in FALSE START PENALTIES, that confirms Cam Newton was a cheater last year in junior college when Mississippi State tried to recruit him? By golly, Frank, that might be the most illogical thing ever written on this whole saga. I'm going to bookmark this, too. If I need to giggle down the road.

From: Chris

You're a disgrace to the University of Florida. Hopefully you will never call yourself a Gator.

No worries. I'm a proud graduate of the university, absolutely -- but I want nothing to do with the basketball or football teams.

From: Bridger Lowder

If you want to send back your degree to Florida, I'll pay the postage. We don't need your ilk claiming to be a Gator.

"We?" Dude, I looked you up. You graduated from community college only. I'm more of a Gator than you are. And I'm not a "Gator" in the slightest.

From: Scott Givens

I'm embarrassed that I have a journalism degree from the same university as you.

Never heard of you.

From: Bengal Dan

Well, that answers that question. I was wondering who Bengals coach Marvin Lewis was snapping at in his press conference after the Colts game.

Yup -- he was snapping at me. I'm the guy. I'm always the guy. I'm starting to wonder what the heck is wrong with me.

From: Jerry Fartman

LOL you played soccer? Wimp.

Didn't just play soccer. Was all-state (1986). But being called a wimp by someone who calls himself Fartman is more illogical, comedy gold. Let me guess -- "Jerry Fartman" is your pen name for Thayer Evans.

From: Moosie Shawn

Always a negative slant on your columns. Is life really that bad for you? Maybe, just maybe, you should see the glass half-full. And change that "I am so tough" picture. Ever notice that everyone else has a picture with a smile, and yours is Mr. Tough Guy?

Yeah, I've noticed. If I'm going to rip someone's world apart in a column, it seems inappropriate to be staring at the reader with a stupid little grin -- as if I'm actually, honestly, really and truly a nice guy. I'm not.

From: Jim Griffin

You could be the worst columnist I've ever read.

I could be, but only if you've read just one. Which means I'm also the best columnist you've ever read. And the tallest. I always wanted to be tall. Thank you!

From: Nick Dvorshock

Do you do autographs? If you do, sign me up. What do sportswriters autograph, though? A work-day golf shirt? Whatever you got, man -- well, whatever you got that's not gross or weird. I don't want your work-day drawers. I've been collecting sports memorabilia slowly over the years and what a wild card to have: Doyelwear.

I could sign one of my Affliction shirts, but only after it gets a rip. I don't care if Affliction is the official douchebag uniform. These shirts cost $60, and I'm gonna wear 'em. Plus I look good. Check me out.

From: Demian Sharma

Your column on the Miami Heat was hilarious. Painfully bad, unintentionally funny, but amusing nonetheless. I never leave angry rantings on message boards, nor do I ever e-mail sportswriters. But this is a first. Your Heat tirade is astonishing. Say that crap to Bron's face. Your self-loathing is something to be truly admired because if not for it, you would be capable of turning the mirror around at yourself.

Your name is an anagram for "marinades ham."

From: Frank Rodriguez

Way too premature -- and bitter.

Between the two of us, the only one premature and bitter is probably you.

From: Tuna

Your writing reminds me a lot of the Dallas Cowboys -- unsuccessful. You talk a big game, but when I read the column it's always an epic fail. You should try writing a book called "Picked On." It would consist of witty comebacks for high school nerds.

The Internet fingerprints you left behind show you belong to an adult chat forum, and that your personal YouTube channel has videos of teenage girls dancing suggestively. Loser. You're the fool who throws money at the Hooters waitress, thinking you have a shot. Dude, you have no shot. She's only working you for the tip.

From: Roland Hickory

Good ideas fall from the sky onto your bald head and roll right off, leaving you with nothing but bad ones.

You win this round, Roland. Well done.

Gregg Doyel is a columnist for He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. He was 4-0 (3 KO's!) as an amateur boxer, and volunteers for the ALS Association. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.

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