Updated Dec. 16
Two years ago I wrote something about Arkansas. Two years and two months, to be exact. Last week, a single Arkansas fan -- a visionary, you might say -- scraped up that column and stapled it onto an Arkansas message board.
Those loonies went nuts. They obsessed over it. They might even have worshipped it. Then they came here to show me their handiwork.
They're idiots, those people. Not all Arkansas fans -- but those people. The ones who came here, thinking they would cower me into shame or silence. Think again, lemmings. For everyone else, here were the first few words of my story from Oct. 23, 2008:
By Gregg Doyel CBSSports.com National Columnist
They're still there, you know. The crazies. The wackos. The lunatic fringe of Razorback Nation. They're still there, lurking in their small towns and conniving on their message boards, and they deserve to be punished. This weekend, lunatic fringe. This weekend, you get punished.
So it began. Here's the rest of the column, but if you read it, make sure you come back. We've got Hate Mail to do.
From: Clayton Gray
You wrote, "Run it up, Ole Miss, because Arkansas needs a good example of what lies ahead. Bobby Petrino is the new coach there, but not for long. Petrino is long on ability but short on character, and Petrino is gone just as soon as he can go." How long does Petrino have to stay at Arkansas before you'll admit to being completely off base?
He has stayed three years. Looks like he'll be there four. That's impressive, for an itinerant skank like Petrino. But as for being "completely off base," I'll never admit to that. Because you people -- not all Arkansas fans; just the ones like you, Clayton -- are crazies. You are wackos. You're part of the lunatic fringe, Clayton. Like this next guy.
From: Pig Sooieeeeeee
Nice column on Petrino in 2008. On behalf of all of Razorback Nation, I'm mooning you.
Good idea. Always lead with the brains.
From: Al Keller, MD
We crazies and wackos have a long memory, Gregg. I guess I'm one of the cowards you called out back then. Well, you've got my name and e-mail, so bring it on.
Look, everybody -- Al Keller is a doctor! And a stupid one at that. He congregates on message boards and then does what everyone else does. He sends that stupid sportswriter an e-mail. That'll show me! You're not wackos at all!
From: Gerry Rainbolt
I'm guessing you're far too arrogant to admit you were wrong in 2008. But, boy, were you wrong! It's very clear that you do NO homework before writing -- just fire up the computer and let the vitriol fly. You were wrong about Petrino, and you were wrong about Arkansas fans.
He has been there three years. Looks like it'll be four. I wouldn't go naming your next child after him, though Petrino Rainbolt sounds kind of cool. In an itinerant-skank way.
From: Randal Rhea
So, want to take back what you said about Petrino and Arkansas fans?
Yes. And no.
From: Hoggy Breath
How ya liking Razorback fans now, retard?
See this finger? You're No. 1.
From: Oklahoma Commando
I just listened to your radio interview on Arkansas' version of the Sports Animal. You sir are nuttier than a squirrel turd.
I haven't been on Arkansas radio in months -- which means you had to go digging to find that interview. I think it's cute that you're obsessed with me. So does your parole officer.
Back on April 22, you wrote about the idea that the Rams would draft Sam Bradford No. 1 overall: "ESPN will show highlights of Sam Bradford throwing touchdown passes at Oklahoma, when what ESPN should be showing is a montage of Bradford's interceptions. Because that's all he'll throw for a few years in the NFL. I don't know much, but I know that." It appears to me you don't!
Here's what I find comforting: Even when I'm wrong, I'm a damn good writer. Look at those sentences, that structure, that charisma. I'm the real deal, even when I'm really, really wrong.
P.S. But I wasn't wrong about you, Arkansas fans. Wackos.
That University of Miami "scum" you're talking about are and were some of the best players the NCAA and NFL have ever seen. And I would like to hear you call them scum to their faces. Randy Shannon was brought in as head coach to win football games, not go 7-5 every season. So watch your mouth cause that scum you talk about rocked the nation, and everyone hates us cause we always kicked their asses! GO CANES!!!
Somewhere, a fan's arms are tingling with goose bumps. But not here. Here, I'm wondering how many college football "asses" you "kicked" from your "smelly couch" in Kendall.
From: Bradley S. Hallman
I've read through your columns enough to have decided that your only skill is converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Plus anagrams. Your name, for example, is an anagram for "abysmal hall nerd."
From: Tony Eierdam
Open up your wallet and let that BCS money pour in, crony. TCU beat the No. 5 team by 40 freaking points at their place. I am sick of reading garbage like this. I guess TCU will get the respect it deserves when they join one of your BCS conferences in '12.
Wrong. TCU in 2012 will get the Cincinnati treatment, circa 2009. Going undefeated in the Big East is nice -- but do it in a real BCS conference, huh?
Well played on your latest Urban Meyer column. Things and individuals have been dysphoric since last year's debacle but like a lot of high achievers this emotionally labile gentleman has been spinning since the end of last season and Mr. Foley thinks we do not see it. Absolutely concur that Urban should leave town -- and if Mr. Foley allows the scenario you describe, he should go as well.
No idea what you just said, but I'm pretty sure you can't use the word "labile" here. This is a family website. Think of the kids!
From: Scott Fox
YOUR A [BLEEPING] DOUCHEBAG. Furthermore, the unprofessional journalism and biased opinions has NO place on a respectable website like CBSSPORTS.com. You belong on Bleacher Report! GO THE [DELETED] AWAY.....or better yet, I the customer, WILL!
Compared to that last guy, you're a moron. OK, to be honest, compared to a wildebeest you're a moron.
From: G. Macky
No, the BCS didn't get it right this time -- it was just a stroke of luck that neither Oregon nor Auburn lost this past weekend. As much as I enjoy college football, I'm happy to say I haven't watched a BCS game since 2002 and will never watch as long as this garbage is in place.
That's great. A college football fan who won't watch the best college football games of the season. What are you going to do next -- cut off your nose to spite your face?
Gregg, I had intended on writing to disagree with you and your opinion of the BCS, but the more I thought about it, the more I came around to your view point. The purpose of the BCS is to take the two best teams in the polls and match them against each other. That's it. No more, no less. If that's all that's supposed to happen, then it's hard to argue against it. To use your simile, sure, my wife doesn't like me, is a bad mother, can't cook and refuses to clean, and isn't a very nice person, but boy, she has a prettier face than that hag down the street.
If you're using reverse psychology on me, I missed it.
From: Thomas Burns
Your response to Gary Provencher in last week's Hate Mail was one of the coldest acts I have ever seen. You know that poor Gary, and probably untold others, raced to Dictionary.com only to discover they are uber-gullible. You need to get some metrics from online dictionaries to find out how many people looked up "gullible" after Hate Mail.
I did, and apparently I broke the damn Internet. So many people rushed to Dictionary.com last Thursday that servers crashed all over the United States, and also in Hungary. Apparently, I'm big in Hungary.
From: Mike Greenwell
The over/under on how many idiots send you a note telling you that "gullible" is a word you moron is currently set at 300.
Honestly, nobody wrote in this week to tell me of their discovery. Guess they were too busy being told what to do on that Arkansas message board. I can't wait until next week, when I sneak onto that message board and say, "Hey everybody -- let's punch ourselves in the nose! It's fun!"
From: E. L. Gradillas
Loved your cloaked dishabille to Gary Provencher, but I think you should report on sports and not taunt others to combat. Hate Mail has become an Internet pissing match that I'm getting bored with. If you want to be an MMA fighter -- do it. If you want to be a disheveled commentator on today's sports -- do that.
I know what "disheveled commentator" means. It means an unkempt sportswriter. I think of Ray Ratto. But that other phrase, cloaked dishabille? Looked it up, still don't know what it means. Now everybody is going to look it up. Prepare to lose Internet signal, Hungary, in three ... two ... one ...