CBSSports.com Senior Writer

Hate Mail: Teaching teachers a valuable lesson

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Updated April 7

Teachers are the most underpaid, underappreciated, overworked people in this country. Right up there with me. And like I do with me, I love and respect and admire teachers.

But if they prance piously into my backyard, scolding me like the teacher they are -- and like the wayward seventh-grader I'm not -- I'm gonna spank 'em. Hate Mail believes in corporal punishment.

From: Bob Bellamy

In the last Hate Mail you wrote to a former teacher: "Therein lies the reason you 'taught' and 'advised', and didn't actually 'do'. Also, it explains the word 'former'." As a middle school teacher who took a large pay cut to serve by helping our kids, this comment demonstrates bigotry and ignorance.

I love teachers! I tell my kids' teachers all the time -- all the time -- how grateful I am for their efforts. But I don't like it when a teacher comes to Hate Mail and slaps down the "I'm a teacher" card like it's a straight flush. That's right up there with the older dudes who come here from time to time and tell me something like, well, here. See for yourself.

From: Richard Moore

Sir, I'm 74 years old, which means I've been reading good sports writing for better than 65 years. And you, sir, are not good.

Why do older folks always brag about their age? I don't get it. Most of us are going to get there, Richard -- may I call you "Dick"? -- and when I get there myself, I won't be flashing my age like a badge. Unless it gets me 15 percent off at Perkins. I love Perkins coffee.

From: makJastemaf

Cialis without prescription http: trust-pharmacy.com

Let's ignore the obvious question (why would I possibly need something like Cialis?) and move on to the better one: How does computer-generated spam get into my Hate Mail folder? You have to jump through some serious hoops to get an email all the way to me. We did that to keep out the robots. And the idiots.

From: Jim Mullins

You moron! Ohio State is a school of higher learning. It has a great medical program. Infractions happen all of the time, at every university.

First the robot gets through, and now the idiot. Wait a minute ... maybe the robot was looking for you! Did you order Cialis, Jim?

From: Chad Stockel

Have you ever read Nelson Algren? Mid-century Chicago writer, gritty as hell. He loved boxing, poker, gambling and the underclass. I'd recommend The Man with the Golden Arm or Never Came Morning. I think you'd like him, but beware -- his novels start slow and off-plot to set the tone.

Never heard of him. Did he finish second nationally in column writing?

From: Duff Watkins

In your reply to that former journalist last week, I counted four insults in 18 words. It was a blend of haiku and Hemingway.

Him, I've heard of. But I'm positive Hemingway never finished second nationally in column writing. Don't know that Haiku dude. I'll look him up later.

From: Chris M.

Not sure I would be proud to be on the same awards list as Mitch Albom. Just saying.

Like who you like, but Albom IS a best-selling author who for 25 years has been considered one of the best columnists in the country. And he finished behind me. Smile.

From: Jon Wagner

You're the Glenn Beck of sports writing. I'm hoping you're a Democrat so that will actually sting. If you're a Republican and take that as a compliment, I'm at a loss.

I'm the vote to be swayed, and anyway, I'm not sure whether to feel stung or complimented. Did Glenn Beck ever, you know -- finish ahead of Albom in a column contest?

From: Phil Poirier

You seem to refer pretty often to your accomplishments, and where they are listed online. Gee, I might be led to believe you're a pretty insecure guy, what with all the external referencing. You might want to lighten up on that.

Shoot, and here I thought I was doing better this week. We're 8-10 emails into Hate Mail and I've not mentioned my all-state exploits in baseball. Or soccer. Ahem.

From: Phil Poirier, again

Oh, and should you feel the need to trash me in response, there's not a whole lot for you to pick through. I'm just one of those lazy artist/musician types.

Don't sell yourself short, Phil. Looked you up, and I could make fun of you all day. But this is a new me. No more bragging to cover up my insecurity, no more anagrams, and no more making fun of readers.

From: Brian Guerrin

In your Purdue piece of crap you wrote, "That school was willing to pay above-average Mike Anderson like he was a great coach, and was willing to do the same for the more accomplished Painter." Painter is 155-66 in his career and 7-5 in the NCAA tournament. Anderson is 200-98 and 7-6 in the NCAA tournament. Why exactly is Painter the more accomplished coach? Do some research, jabroni.

Painter needed 12 NCAA tournament games to win seven. Anderson needed 13. Also, Painter's .701 career winning percentage is better than Anderson's .671. He's not much more accomplished, no -- but he is more. And if you're still not convinced, consider this: Your name is an anagram for "barring urine." You ought to see a doctor for that. Hey ... you need some Cialis?

From: CT Hoosier

As a certified stalker who reads everything you write, this one sticks out. I will continue to root against miserable, ethically challenged Jim Calhoun, but I agree: We can't root against the kids.

Where you been, stalker? Remember that photo we took at the Final Four a few years ago? I don't.

From: Henrique Goncalves

Doyel, I always thought you were OK, just a bit too polemic, but your article on Good vs. Evil was really good! I totally agree with you on both rooting for Butler and not putting all UConn guys on the evil side. I apologize if I made some mistakes in this note. I'm Brazilian, so I don't have a perfect English.

But you know the word "polemic," which is impressive. I mean, impressive to other people, probably. But not to me, seeing how I already knew that word and didn't have to look it up. Wouldn't even know where to go.

From: Glenn

It's games like Butler-UConn that will cause the death of college sports. No one wants to see a game like that. Only UConn fans were excited at the end. I think you are trying to justify your pay grade.

Pay grade, huh? That appears to be a reference to what I wrote in this blog on Shaka Smart. I broke that news, by the way. Because that's what I do. I break news. All the time. I'm quite polemic when it comes to breaking news.

From: Boogie Mann

Saw your question in last week's Hate Mail, so let me answer it for you: A sheave is bundle of grain stalks laid lengthwise and tied together after reaping -- which is what should be done with what passes for sportswriters today.

So sayeth the shepherd known as, um, Boogie Mann.

From: Dan O.

You are a cocky dude, and typically reading your stuff ticks me off.

Writing it puts me in a bad mood, most days.

From: Levi

I know I can't get YOU fired, but the photo-shop work of your mug shot on your bio is simply awful. Is CBS hiring graphic designers?

You're right. It's shameful. Unless you're talking about that enormous pale thing on the left side of the page. That's my head. Nothing I can do about the way it looks. Well, maybe I could bring back the Mohawk ...

From: Dave Freedman

You write so passionately about this. Maybe you could express such passion about very important things.

No fair. In today's Hate Mail alone we've got Hemingway, Glenn Beck, Cialis and whatever the hell "polemic" means. Not sure I can write about much more important things than I am at this very moment, Dave.

From: John

I wrote a column at my college paper explaining why modern basketball is a terrible sport, and some guy wrote a reply column challenging me to a game of one-on-one. What do I do?

Speaking from experience you do not, under any circumstances: Offer to fight him. Tell him his wife has a crush on you. Look him up and make fun of whatever you can find. Make his name an anagram for something silly. What you do: Ask him if he's using "one-on-one" as a euphemism for sex. And when you get that answer let me know, because at this point I'm curious myself.


Gregg Doyel is a columnist for CBSSports.com. He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. He was 4-0 (3 KO's!) as an amateur boxer, and volunteers for the ALS Association. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.
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