Please understand, I don't pick the theme of this weekly insult to journalism. You do. Tebow, Ohio State, North Carolina -- whatever you want. I just go with it.
Keep that in mind. Please. As we dig into
Handsome Hate Mail.
Quit trying to look like a tough guy. Is your closet full of Affliction T-shirts?
No. Of course not. Those shirts are way too clichéd. But merely for the sake of argument, let's say I did wear Affliction. They wouldn't be hanging on a damn hanger. Those are $60 shirts. You fold those shirts. Lovingly.
From: Anonymous Idiot
I'm going to go ahead and assume you're playing a character. Controversy sells, we get it. By the f---ing badass look of your pic, it seems you're better suited for coverage of MMA than normal human sports. Please go away and stop spamming my otherwise legitimate CBSSports.com home page with your disgusting troll face. Eat (deleted) and die.
What's with the fascination with my looks? Truth is, my writing picture is nothing. You want to see me look ridiculous? Here you go.
You don't look tough. You look stupid.
Not as stupid as I look here.
From: Tim W.
I hate your picture. I think you look like a hip monk.
All I'm saying is, it's not hard to find a really awful picture of me.
From: Bob Pudisto
Your attempt to look pensive in your profile pic is hilarious. You look like you're about to blow up a school bus.
I'm not trying to look pensive. I'm trying to look like a hip monk, you stupid boob. That's an anagram for your name, by the way. "Stupid boob."
All of your writing on Tim Tebow comes from a network that did not criticize Rep. Ellison for taking his oath on the Koran. But they will demonize a football player for displaying his Christian faith. I suppose if Tebow raped people or tortured dogs he would be a STAR in your eyes. For me, it's great to see a guy in the NFL who has moral values and not just another rich thug.
Come on, Eileen. Hide your bigotry under something less conspicuous than a white sheet.
From: Rich Tenant
If you alienate your audience you'll have a smaller and smaller one. One less reader here.
Your name is an anagram for "ethnic rant."
As a Florida Gator, I am sad to say you graduated from our fine institution. Luckily we have real journalists like Erin Andrews representing.
This is me, speechless.
From: Frank Kerwin
Sure it was. So boring, you searched for a way to send me a note, write me a few words and hit "send." If my rant was any more boring, it would keep you up at night. You poor, sleepy bastard.
Twitter numbers are overrated. Charlie Sheen is certifiable and he has 5 million followers. Chad Ochocinco is a needy narcissist and he has 2.9 million followers. For God's sake, nearly 4.8 million people follow Khloe Kardashian -- and she's the ugly one!
From: Rashaad Johnson
Those who cannot do, teach. Those who cannot teach are reporters. And those who cannot report are a--holes. Go in peace.
Go ... where? No, never mind. Don't tell me.
From: Chris H.
Take away a guy named Jefferson and America isn't all that. Take away that Hitler guy and the Third Reich were like kitty cats. Take away that Daryl Hall and that Oates fella wasn't crap! This is fun!
Hate Mail references to Hate Mail references will get printed every time. Well, sometimes. OK, not often because it's like looking in the sun for too long, and eventually that'll disintegrate your retina. But your email was funny!
From: Kyle Hargis
Work smart, not hard. Every week, you let morons write half a column for you, call it Hate Mail and laugh all the way to the bank. Brilliant! You probably have a fence you can get them to paint, too.
Truth is, Hate Mail takes more time than anything I write. Do you think these emails just appear by themselves, magically edited and culled in the proper order? No. They're buried, like poop in a bigger pile of dung, and must be excavated. Edited. Ordered. Then answered. And the anagrams take FOREVER. Took me two hours to realize your name is an anagram for "girly shake," for instance. Plus I like to look up readers and make fun of them. You think that's easy?
From: David A.
Every writer gets hate mail, but they rarely whine about it. You've made it a habit, and it gets old. Is this weekly whine about hate mail now a regular column?
It is, starting today. After eight years of doing it weekly, I've decided to do this ... weekly. And don't fool yourself: Very few writers have the confidence to print their hate mail for the world to see, only to laugh at it. And nobody else looks up readers. Found you, for example, as a Realtor in San Antonio. Why is the 'r' capitalized in Realtor, anyway? That's Ridiculous.
Hate Mail makes my week, every week.
It better. This week it took me 47 hours.
From: Chad Coplen
First, your picture is so trying to look hard, but instead you look like a wimpy version of George Michael. Second, about your response to someone who suggested you shouldn't have children. You implied you had possibly fathered some of his kids (first note). That's the smack-talk equivalent of Yo Mama. Embarrassing. Shoulda left it alone, buddy. Hopefully that dude is so mad he stalks you.
Logic fail, Chad. If my comment to Steve Green was as weak as you imply, how could it make him "so mad he stalks" me? While I laugh all the way to the bank, don't paint my fence. I know it looks like fun, but don't do it. Seriously, you can't. Ignore that can of paint. And those brushes.