This week's edition of Hate Mail was dominated by email from Arkansas and the Philippines. Which is unusual, seeing how one of those places is a third-world country.
And the other is the Philippines.
It's only going to get worse from here, Arkansas folks. Flood my email with nonsense? You might not want to do that.
From: Nathan Stone
You're a tool. In 2008 you called Arkansas fans crazy and said Ole Miss' Houston Nutt should run the score up on us. Now you see how good Arkansas is, right? Admit you were wrong -- or do us all a favor and kill yourself.
I wasn't wrong. You people were crazy in 2008, and you're crazy now. Someone this week obviously put that 2008 story on an Arkansas message board and told everybody to write me -- and all of you did it. Same lemmings you ever were.
From: Mark Monroe
How's that Houston Nutt thing working out for Ole Miss? How's that career thing working out for you?
Well, it's good here -- thank you for asking! I get to do all sorts of fun stuff, including this: Every week I sift through the worst emails I get and print them. One of my favorite things is when I get spammed by a fan base, all of them writing me because someone else told them to do so. I print it so the rest of the world can see which school has the silliest fans.
From: Dan Watson
Just read your Arkansas article from 2008. You got me to read one of your columns for the first time in years.
I wonder who got you to write me. You better hope he doesn't ask you to play in traffic next, Dan. Impressionable sucker like you, you might just do it.
From: Mark Lovelady
I am rolling on the floor hysterically this weekend as Arkansas prepares to run it up on Ole Miss!! BAHAHAHAHAHAAAA.
Well, you're the first one to laugh. Is that an original thought? Maybe you're thinking for yourself. Progress.
From: Scott Duncan
Hahahaha! Dumbass. You want something to wash that crow down with, buddy?
Well, you're the second to laugh. But the first to use the "eat crow" line. So maybe you're thinking for yourself too.
From: Tim Stone
I'm laughing at you. How's that crow taste?
Now I see. Someone told you lemmings, "Hey, write Doyle, then laugh at him and mention crow." As for your question, I don't know how crow tastes. I don't do what other people tell me. And I damn sure don't eat what they tell me.
From: You Are A Retard
Just wanted to say thanks for giving all us Hog fans a nice little article to look back on and laugh our asses off at. Enjoy the crow.
Why does everybody in Arkansas think crow is edible? Seems like a scrawny bird. To get a mouthful you'd have to suck the meat off the bone, and that's just gross.
From: Brian Porbeck
Hahahaha! Do you want your crow blackened or fried?
Hell, lemming, I don't know. I don't eat crow or buzzard or any other kind of road kill. How do you folks eat it in Arkansas?
From: L.J. Hog
Remember this story from 2008?? Who's laughing now, dumbass?
Us. At you.
From: Joseph Croasdaile
In your damning article on Manny Pacquiao you have to realize that you are painting with an extremely large brush. Basically you are saying anyone who participates in cockfighting is not a good person.
You get an A-plus for reading comprehension.
From: Flip Golfer
Our country's Founding Fathers raised and fought game fowls. Did you know that? If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me.
Some of our Founding Fathers also kept slaves. Anything else you'd like to add?
From: Allen Biddle
Pacquiao does not force his roosters to fight. This is genetically instilled in them. Yes he may condition his roosters, but there is nothing he can do to make them fight.
Well, there's a few things Pacquiao can do to make them fight. He can irritate them by putting three-inch razors on their left leg, lock two of them in a fighting arena and see what happens. And what do you know? They fight. I'm sure Pacquiao is as stunned as you are.
From: Rodney de la Cruz
If you don't like PACMAN, just say you don't for a real reason.
A real reason, other than the way he puts farm animals into a cage and watches them eviscerate each other just so a bunch of gambling addicts can get their next high?
Of course someone like you in the media has to find something negative on Manny to raise eyebrows because in all actuality there is really nothing to scrutinize him with.
Nothing to scrutinize, other than that whole barbaric cockfighting stuff. That's what you meant, I bet.
From: Ed S.
It must suck to know you can't make everyone live their lives the way you want them to. Maybe you need to go out of the United States more often and interact with other cultures. Maybe that'll help.
I hope not. If leaving this country would increase the odds that I'd appreciate cockfighting, you can have my passport. Burn it.
I don't understand you. You like boxing, watching two men fight bloodied and battered. That is OK for you -- but not roosters fight?
Well, see, there's a difference. Two men choose to box. A rooster has no choice. It's brought into this world just so it can be taken out, horrifically, for the entertainment of men. If this answer went over your head, find a ladder and read it again.
Do you own a dog? A cat? What's the difference?
I own three dogs and two cats. The difference is that I don't arm them with razors so they can disembowel each other. When that last guy is done with it, borrow his ladder.
From: Tim Moehl
What a [wuss]. Obviously you've never competed in anything that involves a ball and grass. By the way, what's your Halo high score?
Here's a list of all-state baseball players at my high school. Whatever you do, don't look at the year 1987. Or 1988.
I understand your feelings. It's like dog fighting. I am a Filipino and understood what you have felt. I will also feel the same if I am an American like you. In this world where different races lives, different cultures and traditions live also. Spaniards bullfights, certain African tribes eats other tribes. Some races do things that we do not know why. I can't understand why Spaniards like bullfights but I kinda enjoyed it too. We Filipinos have been influenced greatly by Spanish cultures. You can see it as most of us like cockfighting. It's the culture that linked us to that sport. It is like you are born with it. We can't erase that culture because it is in our blood. Maybe if you are born Filipino, you will understand what we are feeling and the same way if I am an American, I will feel what you are feeling too. Life is mysterious, there are lot of things that are unexplainable.
From: Joe Alma
Mike Vick made me think about this same question as a dog lover and I concluded I was being a hypocrite. We can pretend or rationalize that culture doesn't play into opinions on animals, but imagine a person of Hindu faith watching us Americans eat beef at a picnic after they were bred to be burgers. In comparison, is cock fighting any worse? Not only that, but our overall treatment of animals in this country is horrific. We go by the cuteness factor in this country. You could shoot a possum between the eyes with your BB gun and dump him in the trash and you would be fine, but do that to a cute bunny rabbit or obviously a dog and watch the horror and charges follow. Why? Because a possum is a pest? I think it is because doggies and bunnies are cute. It is not only hypocritical when you really think about it, but pretty silly too. In the end I think our collective treatment of animals is horrific, but understandable, since we are animals ourselves.
And well said by you, too.
Editor's note, editor being Gregg Doyel. So it's not really an editor's note. More like a postscript: I realize the hundred or so Arkansas fans who wrote me do NOT represent the entire fan base. So if you're one of the thousands who didn't write me, I wasn't talking to -- or about -- you. But police your own, huh? You have idiots running amok.