This is what Hate Mail has come to: I'm now arguing with readers about who I do, and do not, have the right to insult.
This being Hate Mail, I have the right to insult everybody. It's in my contract and everything! But first, a moron from Syracuse (sorry: contractual obligation) writes me about Jim Boeheim -- because some people just aren't smart enough to know when to shaddup.
(That one wasn't contractually obligated. That one was just for the hell of it.)
From: The Lempz
Where is the article in which you apologize to Jim Boeheim? Won't happen, right Doyel? I know you've kept up with the news: Zach Tomaselli has admitted to lying about Bernie Fine. Maybe you should have waited before calling out a Hall of Fame coach.
Nope. No apology. The original two accusations stand, and regardless, Boeheim screwed up by insulting alleged sex-abuse victims. You saw his apology for that, right? He didn't take it back, because he was wrong. Which means my column was right. You idiot.
Wow, a positive Gregg Doyel article?! Cats are now sleeping with dogs. How are you going to get Hate Mail over your article on Matt Kemp?
Oh, I'll get Hate Mail anyway. See, because I wrote nicely that day from Los Angeles, I had to balance out my personal Jekyll-and-Hyde scales by living meanly for those 24 hours. Any idea how many LAX employees and Denny's waiters had to suffer for the sake of my craft, just so I could be nice to Matt Kemp? A lot. And speak of the devil ...
From: TSA Agent
You can publicly lie all you want (ninth email) about insulting me at Chicago O'Hare last year, but it happened. It's ironic that you claim in Hate Mail that you're not the type of guy who insults people, then proceed to unleash more insults. And the premise that you're OK with having a professional reputation for insulting people, but that you're just too nice to actually insult people in real life -- that's, well, insulting of people's intelligence. Not to mention patently false.
I insult people in print, yes: coaches and athletes who deserve it. I also insult readers in Hate Mail, but again, only those who deserve it. A TSA agent, a waiter, a hotel clerk -- they don't deserve to be insulted, so I don't. Apparently you can't wrap your brain around the idea that a mean writer can be a nice person. It's not that big a reach, but then, you're not that smart.
P.S. You deserved it.
From: Grad School Gary
I don't understand why you believe that insulting readers who accuse you of having been rude to them at a restaurant, is proof that you're NOT rude. You were rude to me at Denny's in Cincinnati, and you stiffed me on a tip.
I'm starting to wonder if you're not merely stupid, but insane. Clearly you and the "TSA Agent" are the same person, which makes me wonder if you're doing this for kicks ... or because you have multiple personalities. If it's the latter, I hope you have a few more in there -- because these two personalities suck.
Just finished last week's Hate Mail. Grad School Gary said he saw you at Denny's in Cincinnati. How is that possible? I am not aware of any Denny's in Cincinnati.
I just looked it up, and you're right! There isn't a Denny's within 35 miles of Cincinnati. So I guess we'll just wait for next week, when
TSA Agent "Grad School Gary" writes back to say he misremembered, two weeks in a row, in emails to me -- and that he meant to say it was a Denny's in Dayton. Or a Frisch's in Florence. Whatever you do, "Gary," don't accuse me of being rude to you at a Skyline Chili. I refuse to eat there. That stuff is crap.
P.S. Skyline deserves it, too.
You are hated by most ACC fans. But your entertainment value is appreciated. We read you for your insight, or lack of. Keep up the uninformed and whimsical accounts of your opinions. If you did not look like a cartoon, do you think you could be taken seriously?
I look like a cartoon because I am a cartoon, at least on Twitter. Have you seen that thing? It's beautiful. It's actually a full-body drawing, but I use only the head for my Twitter avatar. The rest of that picture gets taken out for private celebrations. Shaddup.
From: Charles Meitin
Do you have another picture instead of the Mr. Clean-wannabe photo? It's reporters like you that give CBSSports.com a bad name -- 99.99 percent of the time you are wrong, and 00.01 percent of the time you spell your name correctly. Loser with a capital L.
Your name is an anagram for "anemic slither," which sums up your weak, scattershot attempt at hate mail. (You don't deserve the capital H or M.)
From: Moe Sawe
Your name is an anagram of Old Grey Egg. Which is what your head sorta looks like.
How many times I gotta tell you, I prefer "legged orgy."
From: Dean White
I've been a paying subscriber to CBSSports.com's "premium" services for years, and as a regular visitor, I of course have read your columns. While I disagree with your angle on things once in a while, I was pretty surprised to see today's "Hate Mail" column. What were you thinking, man? An entire column with you firing sophomoric insults at anyone who disagreed with you? Really?
Nine years, Dean. Nine. Years. That's how long I've been writing Hate Mail. You just now noticed? Just now? This was quite possibly the meanest email ever ...
From: Robert Francis
You need to toot your own horn! This story from 2009 was amazing stuff!
Nah. I think at this point, people expect it. For me to be right, I mean. Not for me to toot my own horn (1987, '88).
You're an idiot for comparing what Chip Kelly and Oregon did to Bobby Petrino's stupidity and Tressel's bombshell, but I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion -- and again, my opinion is you're an idiot.
Chip Kelly made a $25,000 payment to a recruiting scout who provided no "scouting" but did send Oregon a "five-star tailback." This email isn't one of your finer moments, Rick. When Oregon fires Kelly, remember this.
From: Kyle Carmin
Comparing Chip Kelly to an adulterer? Bobby Petrino doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as Chip Kelly. Maybe you're just mad because Oregon has defeated Oklahoma, Hawaii and Georgia.
Someone's been reading my bio! And you're right: Bobby Petrino doesn't deserve it. Petrino cheated on his wife -- but not on his job, and not on every coach out there who tries to win the right way. Petrino didn't stoop that low, no. I apologize, Bobby, for comparing you to Chip Kelly.
From: Devin C.
I noticed that you always find a way to post your Wikipedia page in Hate Mail. Such a vain little thing you are. Here, go ahead and use this letter as another way to flaunt your stupid insignificant Wikipedia page.
Nah, I already posted my stupid insignificant Wiki page elsewhere. Close readers of this story have already seen it. Which means you've seen it. Because obviously you read this every week -- and you read it closely. Any idea how badly you failed at insulting me?