CBSSports.com National Columnist

Hate Mail: Handsomely wrapping another dramatic week

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If I had a dollar for every time I was compared to singer Chris Daughtry, I'd have ... a handful of dollars. But it would be a big handful, befitting a man who was born with such big, um, hands.

Shaddup.

Hey, Chris Daughtry, you kinda look like Gregg Doyel. (Getty Images)  
Hey, Chris Daughtry, you kinda look like Gregg Doyel. (Getty Images)  
Anyway, it happened again this week, but I ducked that compliment like I duck 'em all. Because I'm humble like that.

Shaddup!

Hate Mail!

From: Mike F.

You're an idiot. Pay their tuition, books, room and food -- then pay college football players again? They have a choice, and they make it. We should ask you to pay us for reading your dumb columns.

You don't ask Josh Hamilton to pay you for the privilege of watching him swing. You don't ask Kevin Durant for the privilege of watching him shoot. See where I'm going here?

From: Jordan C.

I guess we should start paying high school players, too. Where would it end? Hell, throw a few dollars at the Pop Warner kids. College football players get a free ride to school because they play the game. A FREE RIDE TO COLLEGE. Your logic is amazing sometimes.

High school players, Pop Warner players ... none of them help generate millions of dollars for their school. College players do, and risk permanent injury banging into each other. You're comparing one group to the other -- and calling out MY logic?

From: Nate Paine

Doyel you moron, how much would you pay a college player? What's his brain worth? Please tell me.

Great question, but don't fall into the trap of comparing a college player's brain to yours. Yours? Might be worth a few bucks as a doorstop. But the brain of a typical young man with 60 years of life still to live? Priceless.

From: An Economist

Most big-time football schools are funded by taxpayers. I don't think taxpayers can afford the liability inherent in establishing a legal premise that college football is such a risky proposition, that before stepping on the field, the participants must receive compensation. That would open the floodgates to civil litigation against states, many of which are already bankrupt.

Better to keep our heads in the sand and pretend these guys aren't crushing each others' skulls. Pretty much what you said, minus the verbose verbosity.

From: Cody Wells

I've been suffering from a ruptured disc for several months and can't do any physical activity. So I'm asking a favor of you, Mr. Doyel: Will you please give me some of your testosterone? I believe that it will completely heal the injury. I promise not to enter any races and shatter the course records because it's obvious that your testosterone is a performance-enhancing drug.

A lesser man would read your note as sarcasm, but me? It reeked of sincerity to me.

From: Dick Bluemel

Hey, great article on the morality of fans watching football. I only kind of glanced over it, so if you made the following point, I apologize. Most people who watch football religiously make nowhere near what ...

Sorry. Cutting you off right there to focus on your first two sentences: You commend me on a "great article" that you "kind of glanced over?" A lesser man would be offended by that. But at my testosterone level, I'm fired up by it. I'm fired up pretty easily, though.

From: Arthur Dick Ranney

It is strange that you would write about suicide because to me nothing in the world is right when you are forced to live in a world of inferior intellect. I can't stand to watch you suffer anymore. Do yourself a favor and commit suicide. Somehow I think the world would manage.

You're just a guy, one lone wacko, asking me to kill myself. Pipe down.

From: The Lap Dog

If you commit suicide, I doubt your mother will be as visibly as upset as Junior Seau's mother was. On the other hand, a lot of people would be celebrating your self-inflicted demise. We already know you dislike yourself. And we don't blame you -- we don't like you, either. So think about suicide, for all of us.

Well, that's two votes ...

From: Brian

I have to disagree with your position regarding the boy playing field hockey. If a similar sport wasn't isn't available, he should be allowed to play. I don't see how this is any different from a girl wanting to play football.

Maybe you're the exception to the rule -- no offense, Brian -- but the average man is bigger, stronger and faster than the average woman. Now do you see how it's any different from a girl wanting to play football? As in, completely different?

From: Dan Monk

I don't necessarily disagree with you on the boy trying to play girls field hockey, I just can't help feeling like you are Chris Daughtry's long lost twin brother separated at birth and kidnapped by Mexican Zapatistas, taken away to a foreign land, destined to live the life of a rogue reporter searching for the life he never knew he had. Good luck bro, I hope you find what you're looking for.

Which part of Daughtry reminded you of me? Was it his handsome face, the chiseled body, or the fact he always seems to have a hot woman at his side?

From: The Butler

Your strange column about how players are responsible for choosing to play a violent game, but fans are not responsible for choosing to view games or purchase NFL licensed products, is yet another example of your immature world view. What's ironic is how your last several columns have documented the bad choices and bad judgment by various people in sports -- Bobby Petrino, Larry Brown, Michael Jordan. In other words, you're making a writing career out of holding other people responsible for the choices they make in life, but you absolve yourself from being held responsible for your own choices. I'm going to go out on a limb: Are you a Democrat?

Jeez I don't know. I'm too confused by the bulk of your rambling email to know anymore. Plus I'm starting to wonder how many times people go up to Daughtry and ask, "Anyone ever told you ... you look like Gregg Doyel?"

From: Ryan Coombs

Wow ... interesting! Pay college football players because you guess it hurts them later on in life. Great scientific causality right there. You do understand that there has to be DIRECT evidence between cause and effect ... not mere guesswork.

Your name is an anagram for "bosomy narc." Don't you have someone to rat out, Ryan? And after that, maybe you should try a bra. Bro.

From: Agra Man

I know, smartass. Don't tell me -- my name is an anagram for anagram.

Shaddup.

From: Charlie42s

Suicide is a selfish act, because those who attempt it aren't thinking about how it would affect their family and friends. I know because I once tried it and I was only thinking of myself. Six months later, I realize that life and every day of it is precious. This keeps me going. Keep writing.

Thank you, Charlie. Keep going.

From: Robert Balogh

I knew it couldn't last. You're back to your usual ways. You're actually right in what you say in this article about paying college players. But here's what the typical reader learns from having read this: First and foremost, they realize that Gregg Doyel is a douche nozzle. Second, they realize, you know, that douche nozzle has a point. Third, they realize, "Yeah, he has a point. Now if he could only find a way to be right without being such a douche nozzle." I read your article about Seau and his grieving mother. Don't know why, but I did. And I was impressed. Amazed even. That suckered me into reading this. Please do me a favor -- write me the next time you plan on not being a douche nozzle for just long enough to write another worthwhile article. Spare me the waste of time it is to read the hundreds of articles whose major lesson or point ends up being that you are a douche nozzle. In closing, just in case you don't get it yet -- you are back to being a douche nozzle.

Starting to like you ...


Gregg Doyel is a columnist for CBSSports.com. He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. He was 4-0 (3 KO's!) as an amateur boxer, and volunteers for the ALS Association. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.
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