There are weeks this Thursday monstrosity deserves its name, its name being Hate Mail. Like, almost every single week for nine years. That's 468 weeks. Seems longer ...
Anyway, this isn't like most weeks. So let's do, um, Mail.
Hey, Daughtry, I mean Doyel can you please PLEASE write an article on the officiating in the NBA?
Poor Chris Daughtry, he sure must be sick of being asked, "Did you know you look like Gregg Doyel?" As for your request ... I don't do requests.
The NBA has become nearly unwatchable with horrendous officiating and the flopping you mentioned. Since you are clearly the most influential sportswriter in the country, do you think the bad officiating would just go away if you wrote about it?
See what I mean? Not a lot of hate this week, so calling it Hate Mail would be a lie, and I refuse to lie
much. But anyway, guys, I'm flattered. It's like you're thinking, "If the great Gregg Doyel writes about officiating, it will improve." And with all the humility I can muster, let me say: I think you're right.
You are an idiot.
OK, this seems a bit hateful.
From: Chris H.
Are you in OKC? Great city huh? Bricktown is awesome, and the new stretch of I-40 looks great. Too bad Oklahoma City will never get an NBA team ....oh wait!
If I write it, Google remembers. Even that story from 2006. Kind of creepy, really. It's like Google's obsessed with me.
I miss the days when a Spam-Bot would rip you a new one after writing an article about Manu Ginobili.
There are weeks when the only nice emails come from my Spam-Bot friends. And they're so amorous! Between them and Google, I feel like a piece of meat.
5VeH4p a href=http aojtai jpjmsr.com aoj taijpjmsra, url=http: uhestm bhspjw.com uhest mbhs pjwurl, link=http:pruce.
From: Twoosh Master
Some of your columns are so amusing. When you're not trashing people, you often get caught flat-footed in your hero-worship. The latest example is your salivating over Kevin Durant. He's an MVP type player, but seriously -- we're talking about a basketball game. Try to keep it all in perspective, there, Champ. To you, sports is your greatest passion ... it's your job. It means more to you than helping the homeless, or teaching, or running a business, or providing medical care. But to most of us, sports is merely entertainment. So, pardon us if we don't wet our pants the way you do when you see a three pointer or a blocked shot.
Well, if I were more like you, I'd pretend that my job wasn't critical or even all that important. I wouldn't do my job with passion, because in the grand scheme of things, my job is nothing compared to folks serving in the Peace Corps. But if I shortchanged my readers, and myself, I'd be lousy at my job. I'd be, in other words, like you. And I'll be damned if I'll ever be a loser.
From: Twoosh Master, two days later
You're the sportswriter in America least capable of taking a charge, so please don't lecture other people about flopping. All the other sportswriters can handle letters from disagreeing readers -- they don't resort to drama queen theatrics such as posting their weekly Hate Mail --- and then following it up with insulting remarks directed toward those disagreeing readers. Oh, you poor little victim, Gregg.
Your first name, Twoosh. It rhymes with something. And that something? That something is you ... Twoosh. And if you were any more persistent in your lust for me, I'd suggest you try a new nickname: Google. Or maybe Spam-Bot.
From: Ron Koepp
Saw your article on Good/Bad Russell Westbrook. Do you see Westbrook improving year-to-year, so that we may see less of the Bad Russell?
Nope, I do not. He's a me-first scorer, period. I see him at his best as a dynamite shooting guard, like a much more explosive version of Vinnie Johnson.
From: Chet Zeshonski
Your analysis on LeBron vs. Durant overlooked one simple factor: age. If you're starting a team from scratch, and two players are close, there's no doubt any GM would take the guy who is four years younger. LeBron turns 28 later this year; Durant turns 24. End of story.
Maybe so, but I have the epilogue: Your name (couldn't resist) is an anagram for "those zen hicks." And I hear what you're saying, Chet: Those zen hicks? They're bugging me, too.
From: Judge Dredd
Since football is so dangerous, what's stopping you from publicly lobbying your employer CBS to stop covering the sport? Your employer makes tons of money broadcasting football. Maybe that's the inherent answer -- you're just as big a whore for money as the people you criticize. You're not man enough to put your money where your mouth is.
Nice attempt at a gotcha email, but I wrote about the morality of being a football fan -- my own morality, as someone who watches games weekly for my job -- and addressed the very issue you dared me to address. So my gotcha beats your gotcha. As if there was ever a doubt.
I read your FSU hate mail, and I wanted to share a few thoughts. Your responses to some, while completely within your right, makes you look like you enjoy arguing with people at their level. FSU is the only team that has truly kept the ACC afloat. Whether it's the 1990s or not, FSU has hardly been the detriment they seem to be. Thank you for your time -- nobody deserves comments like "swallow a dart." That guy was obviously playing online tough-guy.
Thank you, Jeff, for your reasoned note. If there's anything I hate, it's somebody playing online tough-guy.
Seriously, at least tell me that you laughed at my email before you edited it. I mean, I let you know that they're remaking Point Break and you edited my email. Print the whole thing! Come on, Bodhi! You owe me that much!
I owe you bupkis. And reserve the right to edit any and all emails, so long as I don't change the spirit in which it was written. Including yours from last week. Did I laugh? Put it this way. I laughed, I cried -- it was Hate Mail.
From: Bill Vaughn
Point Break is the best WORST movie ever? Obviously you've not seen the spectacle that is Hudson Hawk.
Damn. Looked it up, and even the trailer for Hudson Hawk is deplorable. That's 57 seconds I'll never have back.
Point Break the greatest awful movie of all time? Wrong. That would be Nothing But Trouble in which Dan Aykroyd's nose is intentionally shaped as a penis. Seriously, look it up!
I did. And boy was I sorry. If anyone clicked on that Aykroyd picture and got fired by your boss, well, sorry. Guess I should have said: NSFW.
Listen here, dips--t, you crossed the line this time. In the past you insulted my Razorbacks, or you ridiculed my fellow Hog fans, or said mean and ugly things about sports figures I admire. For the most part, that stuff rolls off me like water off a duck's back. However, this time, you have crossed a line that should never be crossed. HOW DARE YOU insult Road House by calling Point Break the greatest awful movie of all time? While it is deserving of its spot in the Pantheon of awful movies, owing to its general Swayziness, you did a criminal disservice to Road House.
Listen, David, I think you and me need to get together -- platonically! -- and watch Nothing But Trouble. I think we both may owe Dan Aykroyd an apology for overlooking his general Aykroydiness.
From: Ron G.
Thank you for your personal piece about your boss, Craig Stanke. I am a hardly-known sports writer who has been writing at a local level for a few years. In recent months I've attempted several spectacularly unsuccessful pursuits to secure writing gigs with larger platforms. The vast majority of my flirtations have resulted in nothing -- literally, no response letter, no email, nothing. There was one exception: my overture to CBSSports.com. Late one evening I sent Mr. Stanke an email suggesting I had a concept for a column and requesting submission guidance. To my shock, he responded in 20 minutes. He was brutally honest about my lottery-like chances but assured me that if my heart was still in it, he would read my query and that I'd -- I'm reading his email again now -- "have my word that I wouldn't take your idea and farm it out to one of the staff writers."
Well, I had the nerve and he was true to his word and predication. After providing a polite and detailed critique of my submission, his response was as expected: a resounding no thanks. My slight disappointment was thoroughly mitigated by his professional courtesy, something he extended to me before I had earned a shred of it. From a literary standpoint, Mr. Stanke didn't owe me the time of day but he treated me like a fellow professional writer. I will never forget that, personally or professionally. There are moments in life when you get a vivid glimpse of someone's soul -- when you can peer into a fellow human's inner wiring and tell whether they are fundamentally decent or indecent. Mr. Stanke was, without question, a wholly decent person. I'm sorry for your loss.
Can't call it Hate Mail this week. Not with this note. Thank you, Ron. You were one of a multitude -- me included -- Stanke gave his time and kindness. Which is why he was one in a million.
P.S. And you can write, Ron. Believe that. Great letter.