I'm not much for calling people names. Well, not anymore -- I'm growing up (shaddup). But this week? This week I didn't know what else to do.
People wrote me Hate Mail.
So I called them names.
From: Ray C.
Your Penn State/pitchfork article sucked. Taking football -- or any kind of sport -- over child-abuse victims is shameless. You deserve to sit in the cell with Jerry Sandusky.
And this, my friends, sums up the mass objection put forth when any of us say anything short of DEATH TO PENN STATE: "Obviously you don't care about child rape." The world must be a simple place to a dummy like you, Ray. Black and white. Up and down. Fifty shades of gray? You can't find one. Your eyeballs suck.
From: S. Bran
You're pathetic as a human being and a disgrace as a writer. You're a piece of s--- for writing about a man like Paterno like you do. You could never be half the man he is.
You messed up something -- probably a typo, no big deal -- so I'm going to correct your final sentence: "You could never allow half the kids to be molested by a pedophile that he did." Thank you, but that number is less than half. That number is zero.
You want people to apologize over a BS report that scape-goated Paterno? You wish you could have done half the good Paterno did in his life.
I've not done half the good, no. But you know what? I've done none of the bad Paterno did. Not a single kid has been abused by a pedophile that ran free because I lacked the guts to stop him. Not one kid. Paterno's overall impact vs. mine? I'll take mine, any day of the week. You dummy.
From: Jen Bryson
You're so over-dramatic with your Oscar Pistorius story, like this super-inspirational athlete is going to ruin the Olympics. Have you ever said one positive thing about anyone?
No, but I'll try it now: I'm positive you're a dummy.
From: Rob Sternowski
If being a double amputee is such a great advantage, why aren't more Olympic runners cutting off their legs so they can use blades? By your logic, pitchers that get better after Tommy John surgery should not be able to play in MLB because they have an unnatural advantage.
By my logic ... what? You read my story but didn't understand a word of it. I didn't say repairing their body gives athletes an unfair advantage. I said GIVING THEM LIGHTWEIGHT, SPRINGY BLADES FOR FEET gives them an unfair advantage.
P.S. No wonder you're so supportive of Pistorius -- your name is an anagram for "robot's winkers." That sounds phallic, you cyborg dummy.
From: Richard Zimmerman
As a Penn State alumnus it's a bit much to get chastised by the national sporting press for Paterno's power. Penn State tried to fire him in 2004 and couldn't. You'd think the press would have treated that episode with dismay and written endless articles on how something has gone very wrong at Penn State. But no, they wrote approvingly about how Joe stuck it out and turned his team around in 2005. So when you point that finger at elevating Joe above the university, point it at yourself. You played a big part in this, too.
From: Ryan Berger
The media created the idolizing aspect of JoePa. You felt he was bigger than he was, because you're not a part of the Penn State family. You created this, and destroyed this, and continue to collect a fat paycheck writing about this. I am a Penn State fan. I will not apologize to you, or any other self-preserving media member. You created this, not us.
Wrong, Ryan. I wrote this scathing article on Paterno six years ago, and you know how your "family" responded? You trashed me. Said, "How dare you attack Joe Paterno!" Don't try to have it both ways, dummy.
From: Thunder Boy
Hi jerk. Your article on OKC basketball in 2006 was so off the mark, dumba--.
True. It was. I've acknowledged it many times myself, written many times that I love the OKC atmosphere, so I won't hold it against the entire fan base that an individual such as yourself actually thinks I'd be insulted that you remembered something I wrote six years ago. Insulted? I'm honored, dummy.
From: Bill Portner
The Freeh Report -- what a load of crap. Louis Freeh was the FBI leader who presided over the agency when Robert Hanssen, the worst known spy in US history, sold billions in secrets to the USSR.
And Joe Paterno was the Penn State leader who presided over the program when Jerry Sandusky, the worst known pedophile in NCAA history, was grooming victims. See what I did there, dummy?
From: Tommy Timmons
You want Penn State fans to tell you they're sorry for something they were never involved in? Go f--- yourself.
Did you read the story? I see that you can write, Tommy, but can you read? I was very specific about what I wanted (some) Penn State fans to apologize for, and it wasn't "for something they were never involved in." Have someone read my story to you again, dummy.
From: Clemson Fan
If Clemson wants to give a scholarship to an undeserving football player, that's their business. After all, it's federal policy to provide scholarships to undeserving students -- a policy called affirmative action. Clemson is a private school and may do as they wish. This is the part of freedom that seems to trouble left-wing Democrats such as yourself. You just don't like people acting outside of YOUR discretion.
Wrong, dummy. Clemson is a public school. If you can't be right about the easiest "fact" in your email, I'm thinking you missed on every other "fact" as well.
From: Gil Hernandez
Clemson is a PRIVATE university. They can sign who they want to sign.
Gil, Clemson is PUBLIC. Not private. Know what that makes you? DUMMY.
From: A Fellow Sportswriter
I did a little research and discovered that your father, Robert L. Doyel, has a professional reputation for being a hothead. Nobody will speculate that you were adopted. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Yup, my dad was a lawyer, a law professor and an elected judge -- and yes, he has little tolerance for dummies. I'm just like my dad, and you know something? I'm as proud as I can be of that. He's a smart, tough, compassionate, fearless man. And you think comparing me to him will shame me? You're a dummy, dummy.
From: You Will Find Out
We don't blame you for wimping out on publishing your self-aggrandizing hate mail segment two of the past three weeks. After all, you haven't had much to self-aggrandize about. In fact, you've written some pretty shaky columns where you've engaged in a lot of superficial chest-thumping, finger-pointing and moralizing of the worst kind. Maybe the next time you're tipped off on rumors that an assistant football coach at a major university is alleged to be a child molester, you'll go to the authorities, rather than just sit on the story as you did with the Jerry Sandusky situation.
Nine years I've received Hate Mail, and this might be the dumbest email ever. I sat on the Sandusky story? Huh? A self-proclaimed witch repeatedly wrote me in 2010 to put a curse on me (starts with second email), and I thought that was nuts. Another guy wrote me a few months back, telling me a Chicago zoo had named a snake after me. I thought that was the weirdest email ever. But, no. Yours is. Dummy.
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You make more sense than that last guy, Spam-Bot.
From: Truth Teller
Skipping out on hate mail once again, eh, Greggory ?That's the second time in the past three weeks, huh? I imagine you've gotten your lily-white ass handed to you, and you can't handle it. So, you'll use the excuse of vacation time. What a p----. Are you a tough guy with your shaved head and soul patch? Jee-sus. You're a pussy. We all know it.
Yes, I was on vacation one week -- that's allowed -- and now I'm writing Hate Mail every other week. Know why, dummy? Because it's not as much fun for me as it used to be. I used to be proud to beat up all you dummies who stumbled into my yard. I'm not enjoying it as much anymore, because it's too easy, and I'm starting to feel like a bully. So, every other week is all you get. The irony is, you love it. Re-read your email, dummy. You love it, and when it's gone, you notice it. Why? Because you miss it.
P.S. OK, so it was a little fun beating you up, you dummy.