Updated June 6
You guys are speaking in tongues this week. One reader wrote in Spanish. Another affected a French accent. Michigan fans spoke denial. Jason Tucker spoke redneck. And me? I speak from a cold, dark place -- my heart.
Here's Hate Mail, you freaks.
From: miguel
Me interesan los favoritos de la MLB. Por favor enviame los que te gustan a diario.
I hear Pepto-Bismol works for that.
From: Russ
Bonsoir, Monsieur Doyel. What a delightful manner you possess, unnerving the inerudite masses with literary tickles too adroit for their callow funny bones to bear. While your work as a civil servant of the Roundball Republic inevitably requires such routine, your dexterity must render these confrontations hardly a test. Bored with this bucolic faction of the proletariat? Come, I invite you to join me this December as the Maestro, Allenatore Pitino, dines on quarry of a lesser Bluegrass origin. What despicable beasts they've become -- afflicted by defections, assistant coaching chaos, potential APR difficulties, and an intact Gator lineup -- they'll soon be graded as a program of soured vintage. Meanwhile, you and I shall dine on Dover Sole complimented by a ripe Aloxe Corton (of course), all the while lamenting these pitiful gawkers of your creative cyber-canvas. Sincèrement, Signore Ferreri.
Hannibal Lecter lives.
From: Jason Tucker
By the way, you are also an arrogant son of a (expletive) to say how great you are, which you most certainly ARE NOT! You are probably the biggest dope there is. When you are good, people know it; you don't have to tell them. That says a lot about you. To call your readers morons is partially true. People do get to be stupid after reading your crap for a while. You must be rubbing off, but to call the people who "make you" morons is pretty damn stupid and moronic in itself. Why alienate the people you reach out to, idiot?
Hi, Jason. How's that lawsuit against me coming? Nobody likes a big talker, Jason.
From: Bill Cranor
Not that I want to pile on Jason Tucker, (oh wait, yes I do) but getting eight of 10 picks right one year ahead of the 2006 NBA Draft ... that's 80 percent. Tell Jason that that's a "B," not a "C". Is he using a bell curve or is he just not good at math? I need to know these things.
Would that you were right, but an 80 is a 'C' in most classrooms. I must agree with Jason Tucker. And now I think I'll play in traffic.
From: John Cruz
Peabody, I think Jason Tucker has a man crush on you. What do say to my wife giving him your number so you two can hook up?
Sheesh, John, what is it with me, you and your wife? And how many men does she have in her little black book, anyway?
From: David
Wow. College basketball is relegated to second-class citizenship on CBS SportsLine.com for the summer! You have to look under the "More" dropdown to find it -- I thought you were better than that. At least, that is what you keep telling us.
Made you look!
From: Lucas
Doyel, you're the most worthless piece of (expletive) I've ever seen in my lifetime. I have made it my dream to someday see you get fired and have to move to Mexico just to make ends meet, so then when you feel you have a good article, you can get shot while trying to illegally cross the border wearing a loin cloth screaming a Mayan cry. But for some reason, you (expletive)-head, I am addicted to your Hate Mail. How do you do it?
Better be a large loin cloth.
From: Brian Golden
You sure are an (expletive). You write about 63 early-entry candidates for the NBA Draft, and you write something glib, insulting and not funny about at least 55 of them. Are the deadlines so brutal over there at CBS that all you can pump out is crappy lines ridiculing people's names? Did you just go into journalism to write bogus "exposes" and get in dumb one-liners about 20-year-olds? Get a life.
Only 55 of 63? Shoot -- I must be getting soft with age.
From: D DeVoe
You should check your facts before you write a story like this. Michigan did not cheat, and there were no recruiting violations. One could argue that Fisher was naive and/or unable to control what was happening, but other cases where the coaches were actively involved with the violations are far worse. The dollar amount and the high profile of the Fab Five made this a big story. As a professional who made a mistake, you're contributing to a national misconception about the Fab Five situation, and you should follow up with a retraction.
Lot of Michigan fans wrote along these lines, so let me spell it out to you: The NCAA hammered Michigan with massive sanctions. Hence, the NCAA is saying Michigan cheated. Whether it was a booster, a coach, the school president ... the NCAA says Michigan cheated. Period. And as for recruiting violations, check out this sentence from the 2002 Associated Press story on the sanctions: "(Michigan booster Ed) Martin, a retired Ford Motor Co. electrician, said he gave (Chris) Webber and his family $280,000 in cash and gifts while the player was in high school and college." Note the part about "high school." Thank you. Next question.
From: Ryan I
Cedric Simmons and Hilton Armstrong ahead of Patrick O'Bryant? Even you can't be that dumb, can you?
Every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
From: Steve Anderson
I am not too familiar with your writings, but you have got my attention over the last few years. How did you get my attention? It was by "slamming" my man Steve Fisher. I am not sure why you have a problem with him, but I am sure there is some reason you don't miss a chance to hammer him. As one of the biggest backers of San Diego State athletics, I can tell you that Steve Fisher has does nothing but great things since his arrival here. Top-notch coach/recruiter, class act, clean program, stellar in the community, well liked by his players and fans. I don't care what Fisher did at Michigan. That was "then." This is "now." How about giving Fisher his due for what he is doing for one of the worst basketball programs in the nation, while slamming him for what he did in Michigan. Fair is fair, isn't it? Thanks. ... Steve (Aztec) Anderson. P.S., I love your fire for sports.
Thanks, Steve. And you're right, Fisher has turned SDSU from a loser into a winner. How he did it, I have no idea. I know one thing: He's not coaching that team, because if he were, the Aztecs would be shooting on the wrong basket.
From: John
With all due respect, Gregg, Thad Matta is not a better recruiter than Roy Williams. The North Carolina class of 2006 is better than Ohio State's class. Don't get me wrong: Matta has done a great job recruiting, but to call him the greatest ever is a stretch.
Williams is one of the best ever, I agree. But surely you understand that it is one thing to attract great recruits to 2005 national champion North Carolina, and something quite different to attract them to probation-hounded Ohio State. It's not a hard concept.
From: Johnny Saltz
I just read your recently updated mock draft and no offense but I think it's the worst I have ever seen. Now I may only be 13 but I know a thing or two about it ...If you would like to see my mock draft, here's the link.
I hate it when teenagers rip me.
From: Chris Cutkomp
Me, strange? Haha, at least that is toned down from the last few weeks where I've been called deranged, bizarre and a cocky smart-ass. On the other hand I've been compared to Mark Twain, called a possible comedic genius and told I can write fairly well by a professional writer, so I suppose it all evens out. You wanna know the scary part, Doyel? I've yet to get started. Most of my e-mails to you have been half-baked musings about whatever happens to be on my mind at that particular moment in time. Remember back when John Chaney sent in the hack man and I wrote a little nursery rhyme about it? There is a section on my new site, Nursery Crimes, in which I take old rhymes, match them with corrupt politicians and give them a whole new meaning. "Goosey Goosey Gander" is now "Loosey Goosey Pander." "What are Little Boys Like" is now "What are Libby Ploys Like." "Here We Go 'Round the Mulberry Bush" is now "Here We Compound the Slavery Bush." Haha, I've gotten about 15 of them done so far, enough to get started. I'll be adding more as time goes on. I also have a section where I take real quotes from George W. Bush and real quotes from our Founding Fathers and combine them into conversations that are both hilarious and enlightening. It's funny to see Alexander Hamilton rip Bush a new one. I have to think of a pen name, though. That's not an easy task; the first 50 or so I've searched on are already being used by a writer of some sort. I'm trying to go with something very easy and short yet with meaning behind it, to me at least. You may not realize it, but your posting my rants in your Hate Mail column has been a source of encouragement. I've always been a shy guy. It's not because I don't have anything to say, it's because I can see through a lot of (crap) and people have a hard time understanding the cynicism behind what I say, so I keep my mouth shut for another day. The times are changing. Perhaps it is time for my wit and wisdom to emerge from seclusion. Thanks for posting my rants, really. I know you think I'm a bit off my rocker, but if being on it means condoning some things that my soul tells me are wrong then I will forever be off my rocker, willingly, purposely and purposefully. It's my life. I will not let some rancher herd me in with the rest of the sheep.
You know what scares me? One of these days my bosses are going to realize the most talented writer they read on the CBS SportsLine.com college basketball page isn't me, but you.
