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National Columnist

Hate Mail: Tar Heels fans stuck on 'everybody cheats' argument just don't get it

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They're speaking another language in Chapel Hill, where academic fraud has been allowed, even encouraged at North Carolina for years. They're so mad -- they're not mad at UNC for cheating; they're mad at me for noticing -- that they're not making sense.

So I did what I must do from time to time in Hate Mail: I ran their responses through Google Translate.

I still don't understand these people. Here -- you try.

From: Roman Lawing

Your faux outrage about North Carolina is cute. This is peanuts in the grand scheme of collegiate sports.

Translation: "I'm not disputing that North Carolina cheated -- I'm just saying, others cheat worse."

From: Dustin Church

There are some banners at the Smith Center that need to come down? If that's the case, every banner in every college arena needs to come down. You think there is a college in the entire country that doesn't give blue-chip athletes special treatment?

Translation: "And I mean, LOTS of others cheat just like North Carolina did!"

From: John Wortham

If you think this isn't systematic at many other schools, including you're beloved North Carolina State, you are wrong.

Translation: "We're just like that school down the road."

From: Brendan

It is quite comical that you think UNC is the only school that offers easier classes to their athletes. Your favorite school, Kentucky, must offer some program. I'm not sure Eric Bledsoe even knew how to spell his own name.

Translation: "I seem to have misplaced my white robe."

From: Michael Martin

You must be a Gator fan to be so dense to think easy college classes for athletes doesn't happen at every university in the country.

Translation: "One UNC fan said you love N.C. State. Another said you love Kentucky. I say you love Florida, because I'm like those other two readers: Rather than focus on the damning facts in your story, I'm going to focus on you!"

From: Jimmy, UNC Fan

Go to hell you Duke f--got. I wish I could get a hold of your Duke crybaby ass. If this were Georgia, USC or Michigan you would not care. You are in bed with the Duke [homosexual slurs] -- that's why you are on UNC's [graphic word for the male anatomy].

Translation: "I'm overtly homophobic, and hoping nobody is smart enough to figure out why."

P.S. I think we're done here with Google Translate.

From: Ed Hook

Leave Penn State fans alone. You are a waste of human flesh. Do something useful -- drown yourself and give your organs to someone that will give back to the community.

As long as they give my brain to one of the Paterno boys, and my spine to Mike McQueary.

From: Thomas S.

You're a filthy bastard who published harassing trash about Joe Paterno. I hope you die and your existence is wiped clean from the earth. You don't deserve the ground you rot on.

If ghosts are real, I'm coming back for you.

From: Scott Phillips

I saw your last Hate Mail and wanted to ask: Are you really proud of your answer to Alan Glassberg? You wrote, "Last year I joined with other outraged people to write so often and so powerfully against a pedophile-enabling coach that the school caved in and fired him." Are you truly proud of joining a lynch mob?

Truly proud? Yes, you wacko. Kids matter above all else. Certainly above a football coach who can't be bothered to make sure they're protected.

From: Mark Vasquez

In the intro to your last Hate Mail, you refer to Penn State's fans as "deranged." That's not really a very civil approach to conducting a conversation with your readers, Gregg. You remind me of Barack Obama with the way you say, I'm all about civility and getting along with people, and oh by the way, if you don't agree with me on stuff, that means you're a racist jerk!

Is that who I remind you of? Jeez, Mark, you sound obsessed with Obama. And a bit deranged. Wouldn't surprise me at all if you're a racist jerk, too.

From: Jeff Beach

Don't you have an editor? I know it's an opinion column, but I had to wade through a bunch of crap -- who cares about your sister? -- just to figure out what the scandal is about. And I still don't know why there is a picture of Julius Peppers. I guess I will find a writer who can explain things instead of just rant.

Aww, you disgruntled little homer. I believe this is the website you're looking for.

From: Dan

What a horrible artical about punishing the Giants for Melky Cabrera. I guess you never actually played sports. (Check the all-state list in 1987. And '88.) Typical journalist. I'll never read anymore of your articals.

You, um, misspelled "article".

From: John-Carlo

Why do you think using big words makes you smarter than everyone else? I have a good dictionary too! Moron.

Just in time! Could you loan your dictionary to that last dude?

From: Michael Enfield

You are an idiot. F--- you!

Sigh.

From: Michael Enfield

F--- you!

You already said that.

From: Michael Enfield

You're a douchebag. Go f--- yourself.

My, what a big vocabulary you have. When the last two guys are done with it, maybe you could borrow their dictionary.

From: Bill Blanchard

I am constantly torn between loving and despising your work. Sometimes you put out the most frustrating and ludicrous propaganda, and other times you contribute incredible journalism to CBS. The only way I can think to sum you up is that you are one of the best pieces of crap out there.

Finally, an epitaph for my tombstone.

From: Steve Marcella

You seem to say in your most recent responses to the overwrought Penn State fans that you're proud of the part you played in Joe Paterno ending up dead. Really? Is child abuse a death-sentence offense nowadays?

First, I didn't quite say THAT. Second, no, child abuse is not a death sentence nowadays. But if it became one, say, tomorrow? There'd be a parade, even if I had to organize it myself.

From: Ron

You have made your voice known now multiple times. Can you just let it the f-ck go now with Penn State? There are an enormous number of people trying to move on and restore the image of what still is a tremendous school. We get it, there are guys that will support Joe forever no matter what. Same types that still worship Michael Jackson and root for O.J. Can you have a little dignity and understand that there is a major mass of PSU good out there? Always has been. So just stop Gregg. It's done.

If I'm supposed to sweep the detritus of the Penn State scandal under a rug, you're going to have to find me a pretty damn big rug. Until then, it'll be done when I say it's done.


Gregg Doyel is a columnist for CBSSports.com. He covered the ACC for the Charlotte Observer, the Marlins for the Miami Herald, and Brooksville (Fla.) Hernando for the Tampa Tribune. He was 4-0 (3 KO's!) as an amateur boxer, and volunteers for the ALS Association. Follow Gregg Doyel on Twitter.
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