Marmalard? Dead. Neidermeyer? A dead man.
This is not dialogue from Animal House. This is actual conversation lifted from a police report obtained exclusively by SportsLine.com. Ron "Bluto" Zook might not get points for originality, but he knows how to intimidate an opponent.
Wisconsin's top-ranked D will try to contain Heisman hopeful Kyle Orton and Purdue. (Getty Images)
Florida's coach simultaneously made the biggest news of the week in college football, on Howard Stern, on every cheesy sports talk show -- and in Jeremy Foley's office. Whatever happened between him and the frat boys, Zook apologized, made nice and downplayed the "incident," the "exchange" or whatever you want to call it.
It's one thing to take on LSU, it's another to challenge the Panhellenic system. Sorry, but it's hard to imagine, say, Lloyd Carr rolling down to Greek Town to get his players out of a scrape with a bunch of LaCoste-wearing face jocks.
Maybe the Kappas should file for SEC membership if they're beating up Gators in the streets of Gainesville. Or maybe the Omegas should be notified. They're always ready to consecrate the bond of obedience.
Meanwhile, here are Dean Wormer's games of the week ...
Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life ... unless Purdue gets through these next two weeks. It is about to blow the lid off West Lafayette if Orton's Army keeps winning. A case can be made for the Boilermakers playing the biggest pair of games in the program's history -- Wisconsin this week and Michigan next week.
Win those two and Purdue would be 7-0 overall, 4-0 in the Big Ten and have at least a one-game lead over the Wolverines and Badgers. Not to mention being right in the thick of the national championship race.
This week, the nation's No. 3 offense (Purdue) goes against the nation's No. 1 defense (Whiskey). Purdue averages almost 42 points a game while Wisconsin's D gives up only 6.5.
Think back to when you guys were freshmen ... I, myself, was so obnoxious, that seniors used to beat me up once a week: USC freshman Dwayne Jarrett has changed his mind on transferring now that he is the go-to receiver. Jarrett was acting wimpy even though he is a teenager roaming free in L.A. Who wouldn't want that?
Leading receiver Steve Smith is out with a broken leg, so Jarrett's presence against Arizona State becomes even more important.
"I think I'll stick it out," said Jarrett, a Mike Williams clone who has 17 catches for 189 yards and three touchdowns. "I'm good. I don't think about it. I'm just focused on football."
Also, look for tailback Reggie Bush to get more time at receiver to make up for the loss of Smith.
You're all worthless and weak ... if you're still saluting Cal. At least that's the take of Arizona State coach Dirk Koetter who gets his own crack at USC this week.
"Cal's getting all these accolades for coming close," Koetter said this week. "The object of the game is to win."
This is easily the Sun Devils' biggest game since 1996 when they went to the Rose Bowl. And we still don't know much about them. The starting tailback has been suspended. The defense is the second-best in the Pac-10.
Whatever happened to the old Pac-10 belief that the team with the best senior quarterback won the conference? Arizona State's Andrew Walter fits the description. He's easily the best senior quarterback in the Pac-10 (third overall in pass efficiency). Of course, there's only one other (Oregon State's Derek Anderson).
But beat USC and the Devils have a smoother road to the Rose Bowl. They have only two road games left -- at Cal on Oct. 30 and at Arizona on Nov. 26. Don't be surprised if Koetter wins the biggest game of his career. The Cal-USC game film has been passed around every coaching staff in the conference showing the Bears outgain the Trojans 2-1 -- and lose.
If Arizona State doesn't turn it over, look for an upset.
Is there anything on earth you hate worse than that horse? For Virginia, the answer is no when Chief Osceola comes riding into Doak Campbell Stadium on Renegade. The Cavaliers go to Tally as the first higher-ranked conference opponent ever to face Florida State.
|Why I'm at this game|
|Virginia at Florida State|
|Remember your first trip to see Siegfried and Roy's white Tigers? At some point you asked, "Are they for real?" For those of you who have never been to Vegas, Tallahassee this week will do. Join me, fun-seekers, to see if No. 6 Virginia is the real deal playing at No. 7 Florida State.|
This could be a changing-of-the-guard game. If Virginia wins, it controls the ACC -- for now. But what has Virginia ever won? It was the first school to beat FSU in an ACC game, but that was nine years ago.
No. 6 Virginia has beaten Temple, North Carolina, Akron, Syracuse and Clemson. Yawn. No. 7 Florida State still doesn't know what it has with Wyatt Sexton at quarterback. Put it this way: If Leon Washington runs harder than Renegade, he's the only horse the 'Noles will need.
For God's sake, what kind of man hits a defenseless animal? Tommy Tuberville, of course. Arkansas' Razorbacks (3-2, 1-1 in the SEC) have one last desperate shot at winning the SEC West when they travel to The Plains.
You can't wipe away the smiles of the Tigers. They are 6-0, ranked No. 6 and dreaming about Fort Lauderdale on New Year's. If you haven't noticed, Auburn (3-0 in the SEC) is doing things in reverse compared to last year when it started in the top five, then fell apart with an 0-2 start.
This season the Tigers have gradually crept up the charts. Last year's Starland Vocal Band is this year's Foo Fighters.
"That's the biggest difference from last year's team," Tuberville said, "a little bit more consistent, a little bit more poised."
A little bit less threatening to PETA, we hope.
I hope I score! Oh boy! Easy, Flounder, we're talking UCLA, which is having no problem scoring these days. The Bruins are the second-best story in L.A., which, with USC around, means they're yesterday's sitcom.
Still, the Bruins (4-1) deserve some props as they travel to Cal. Linebacker Spencer Havner is putting together an All-America season. First-year offensive coordinator Tom Cable has the Bruins averaging 470 yards, 64 more than last year's season high for one game.
"I had confidence in this team because I believed in Karl (Dorrell)," said UCLA AD Dan Guerrero, who has spent the season doing I-told-you-so interviews. "Last year was no indication of what this offense can do."
Would you go out with me ... and find three dates for my friends? Ethan Flatt, Michael Spurlock and Robert Lane are available at Ole Miss. The Rebels' three-headed quarterback debuted last week against South Carolina, making some kind of history.
Not exactly sure what kind of history, but the Three Amigos shared the position sometimes snap-by-snap in a three-point victory over South Carolina. Tennessee comes to town this week for a game rife with angles.
Fans are guaranteed of seeing at least five quarterbacks, considering the Vols' two freshmen Erik Ainge and Brent Schaeffer. Ole Miss coach David Cutcliffe and Phil Fulmer, best friends, are meeting as opponents for the first time.
Cutcliffe was the offensive coordinator on Tennessee's 1998 national championship team. Two of his assistants are from Tennessee. Heck, his wife, Karen, used to be the Tennessee basketball secretary.
You'll need a flip card for this one, definitely. Initially, Flatt replaced Spurlock, who started the season replacing Eli Manning. Lane is a hotshot redshirt freshman who was a Parade All-American, rated No. 3 nationally, two years ago.
Manning was at Ole Miss for five years and never got to play his brother's school. Now three of his former teammates will do it in one afternoon.