In the past, this annual column has been a salute to American excess.
In our preseason travelogue hyping the season's best games we have driven an Escalade, a Lexus and tapped the likes of Xzibit to pimp our ride. We thought of contacting Ricky Bobby this year to put a NASCAR slant on things, but no fuzzy dice.
Really, Will Ferrell's publicists blew us off. Shake and bake this, homes.
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| The best thing about the Smart car? It can double as a golf cart. (Provided to SportsLine) |
Smart cars.
In two years we'll all be driving them, especially if Bush keeps swinging for the fences in Iraq. The Smart car is the approximate size of a Texas lineman --eight feet long, five feet wide, five feet tall, 1,588 pounds. Goes 85 mph, runs on unleaded, gets 60 miles per gallon.
It's a Mini Cooper on an Olsen twins diet.
Like Hasselhoff, Smart cars are huge in Europe, only a lot more useful. We saw them all over Rome during a recent trip. They're cuter than Shelley Meyer, slightly smaller than Ralph Friedgen and a lot quieter than Charlie Weis.
The last craze this big was the spread option. So we bought in, or at least leased in for our trip around the country this fall. Somebody nudge the hamsters on the tread mill. We're off ...
Sept. 2
Cal at Tennessee: The Smartie comes in handy in this rather cozy parking situation. The best vehicle to have at this game is a yacht, but they all seem to be tied up together partying until the crack of noon on the Tennessee River.
Huh? Wha--? The game? Oh, yeah. We've already called this early upset.
Georgia Tech at Notre Dame: Weis took his team indoors recently and turned up the heat to simulate Atlanta's climate. We tried it in the Smart car. Now we know what it's like to be microwave popcorn.
Southern California at Arkansas: The honor of the SEC and Pac-10 are at stake. Who knew that John David Booty vs. Robert Johnson would stir this much interest?
Sept. 9
Ohio State at Texas: The trash talking has started early. The guy with the steer horns on the hood of his Caddy has threatened to gore the Smartie. No sweat. The Smart car also does a 4.4 40.
Sept. 16
Where to go, where to go ... There are at least 10 must-see games. This might take some doing. Already ordering new hamsters -- er, thinking of tuning up the engine.
LSU at Auburn: The loser has to walk back to Baton Rouge. Oops, gave away the ending.
Clemson at Florida State: Tres Bowdens (Jeff, Bobby, Tommy) try to beat the snot out of each other. Bring a box of Kleenex.
Florida at Tennessee: Smokey knows our scent by now and has marked his territory. We are welcome to park in his dog house. Hard to tailgate, though, when you're hip deep in dog links.
Iowa State at Iowa: People who raise maize praising grazing.
Miami at Louisville: The Kerry Rhodes Memorial Game is sold out. Forget it. This game benefits the damaged ego of the former Cardinals defensive back whose dropped interception two years ago denied Louisville its biggest win in history at the Orange Bowl. Donations can be sent to the Louisville athletic department, c/o Hold On To The Damn Ball, Idiot!
Michigan at Notre Dame: See how many leprechauns can be stuffed into the Smart fortwo.
Nebraska at USC: Nebraska playing guarantee games? Didn't know the athletic department needed the money that bad.
Oklahoma at Oregon: Sooners might have lost this one with Rhett Bomar. Now the task becomes more daunting.
Texas Tech at TCU: Mike Leach isn't afraid of anything, is he? The week before, the Raiders play at UTEP. Say goodbye to a 10-victory season.
Sept. 23
Alabama at Arkansas: Darren McFadden vs. Kenneth Darby in the battle for third place in the SEC West.
Arizona State at Cal Dirk Koetter names himself the starter at quarterback.
Penn State at Ohio State: Paul Posluszny eats a Smart car at halftime.
Sept. 30
Alabama at Florida: The first of a brutal four-game streak for the Gators. If they get through Alabama, LSU, Auburn and Georgia in a row, name 'em champs right now.
Ohio State at Iowa: It's Tressel's world. He is a combined 6-2 against Michigan and Iowa.
Oct. 7
Texas vs. Oklahoma in Dallas: Phil Mickelson and Mack Brown are friends. In 2004 they agreed that if Phil won the Masters (he did) and Mack won a national championship (he didn't), they'd each take 25 of their closest friends to Cabo. Brown sealed the deal last year. Cabo here we come? We're not sure, but The Hefty Lefty allegedly had trouble rounding up 25 friends. Zing!
Oct. 14
Florida at Auburn: Scalpers, start your engines.
Oct. 21
Texas at Nebraska: The Huskers? When did they start playing football again?
Oct. 28
Florida vs. Georgia in Jacksonville, Fla.: Tailgaters take note: You can fit exactly one slice of ham, a bottle of mustard and three cans of Schlitz in a Smart car.
The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. There we said it, suits. Nyah, nyah. This is still a football game inserted into a weekend bender.
Tennessee at South Carolina: Things are getting serious in the SEC East. Gamecocks come in 6-1.
Nov. 2
West Virginia at Louisville: Nothing says college football like Louisville on a Thursday night in November at Papa John Stadium. Odd setting, maybe, but a BCS title-game participant might be decided on this night. Try the pepperoni, by the way.
Nov. 11
South Carolina at Florida: Steve Spurrier's second visit to The Swamp this season. He has the season opener in a ceremony to honor the '96 championship team. Let go, Gators, for goodness sakes.
Nov. 18
Auburn at Alabama: You know the Tide are turning crimson over all those "Fear The Thumb" T-shirts. If 'Bama doesn't win this one, time for the mega-profanity filter on those message boards.
Cal at USC: Marshawn Lynch tries to clinch the Heisman -- and the Pac-10 title for the Bears -- in the Coliseum.
Michigan at Ohio State: Lloyd, we hardly knew ye.
Nov. 24
Texas A&M at Texas: Went to an IMAX theater and a football game broke out. UT's new video board is the largest in the country. Players have hinted about hooking up a PlayStation to it. Nothing like a 75-foot tall Justin Blalock to scare the overalls off the Aggies.
Nov. 25
Florida at Florida State: That's a real spear, right? They really lit that sucker, huh? Chief Osceola is an honest to goodness Native American? Why is that horse turning toward our sideline? Hey, he's not slowing down. Chris, watch out! ... For the love of all things pure and holy, somebody stop the crazy Osceola dude with the lit spear.
Kansas at Missouri: Spear? Bunch of wussies. Residents of these two states were killing each other in the 19th century. How's that for the start of a football rivalry?
Notre Dame at USC: This is where I don't get the Notre Dame No. 1 thing. Even if the Irish somehow come into this game undefeated, they're going to play in prime time at the Coliseum. It's a setup, an ambush, slow death by Song Girls.
Dec. 2
Army vs. Navy in Philadelphia: Smartie isn't allowed in the lot because it's an import. Patriots only in this game.
Stanford at Cal: Bears retrofit Cardinal at crumbling Memorial Stadium. Then everyone's going over to Oakland for a biker rally. You in?
USC at UCLA: This is the only trip the Trojans want to make to the Rose Bowl this season. A return here in January means they've failed to get to the title game.
Conference championship games: The Smartie smells like pizza and Red Bull. Getting a tuneup, going to Turtle Wax, cleaning out the leprechaun scat and waiting for marching orders to Kansas City, Jacksonville or Atlanta.
