We're not talking about who would take those jobs. I can name you 12 MAC coaches who would gladly give up their complimentary Tauruses from the local Ford dealer to earn the right to be fired three years from now at Coral Gables or Tuscaloosa.
No, we're talking about who fits a narrow profile that has been years in the making and dog-earred around the edges. Consider these classified ads.
Alabama: Candidate must be a white head coach, preferably in his 40s or 50s who at least once shook hands with Bear Bryant. At least a hint of morals and proficiency at clock management preferred.
Oh, and must beat Auburn at least once this decade.
Miami: Candidate must be tan and burly enough to break up a brawl. Ability to work with as-yet-unknown new athletic director considered a plus.
It's weird that one blanket question could apply to all three coaching searches: How good a job is it? Iowa State answered with Chizik. Great hire, only the school's second since 1995.
'Bama's next coach will be its fifth this decade; Miami will be on coach No. 3 since February 2001.
All is not lost. Thank God for free-agent-for-life Bobby Petrino.
Alabama and Miami pride themselves on their resiliency. Since Bear retired, every 'Bama coach who hasn't visited a strip joint has won 10 games at least once. Since 1979, Miami has both won a national title and changed coaches an average of once every 5.4 years.
Yes, there are much bigger expectations at those schools. Chizik could go 7-5 next season and be named mayor of Ames and some of the northern Des Moines suburbs.
A record like that at 'Bama will earn you a late-night call from Mal Moore, which is how Mike Shula got The Big Haircut.
Sunday showed a stark difference between Pollard's Iowa State and Moore's Alabama. Most notably, layers of bureaucracy, mismanagement, recent failure and negative publicity.
While Pollard was blasting e-mails, 'Bama's AD was carefully plotting when to tell Shula he was fired. Moore, by one account, waited until approximately 11 p.m. Sunday to inform Shula. That way, he thought, most newspapers would be past their deadlines.
Let's get this straight: Moore was doing something that a large portion of Tide fans had wanted him to do for weeks -- and he allegedly tried to hide it.
Note to Mal: The Pony Express died out 150 years ago. There's a thing called the Internet -- oh, and late deadlines for papers, too.
Interesting, isn't it, how some people thrive under the pressure of big expectations? Oklahoma AD Joe Castiglione laid down the blueprint for coaching searches seven years ago. It was secret, quick and thorough. He came up with Bob Stoops.
"It's funny you should say that," Pollard said. "Joe Castiglione was one of the first people I talked to right off the bat."
Pollard, 41, arrived from Wisconsin in October 2005, essentially to shake things up. His hiring of Northern Iowa basketball coach Greg McDermott got the same e-mail treatment. Before identifying Chizik, Pollard laid out 150 candidate profiles with the help of a search firm.
Pollard eventually found that Chizik's career track was very similar to that of Stoops.
"It's not different than watching game film," he said. "You're finding tendencies."
Someone at Alabama isn't doing their film study. The past four Tide coaches couldn't handle (in order) a) their private life; b) Tuscaloosa; c) their liquor, and; d) Auburn.
With Pollard driving the process, Chizik interviewed Saturday night, then got an offer. He went back to visit with his wife and boss Mack Brown. On Sunday, he accepted. Pollard then began breaking out the e-paper plates and cyber plastic forks.
Ice cream and cake for everyone in Ames. Long, tedious days ahead in Tuscaloosa and Coral Gables.
Read Dennis Dodd's Wednesday blog for the rest of the national notes.