ATLANTA -- Dear UCLA,
Hello. How are you? Enjoyed your stay so far? Can I get you anything? Extra pillow? Snack? A chance in hell? Return ticket home?
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| You did good just getting here UCLA, but the run ends in Atlanta. (Getty Images) |
You are a nice story. You did well in a rugged Pac-10. You have a smart coach. You're from L.A. Some people say Los Angeles is New Jersey with movie stars. Not me. Some of my favorite rappers are from L.A.
You are a lovely team, but if you beat Florida, it would be one of the greatest Final Four upsets of all time.
Surpassing the Gators with a power forward masquerading as a center in Lorenzo Mata, while he battles a tandem of Joakim Noah and Al Horford, the Elbow Syndicate, would be stunning. It is also about as possible as me becoming the next ESPN ombudsman.
Noah is 6-feet-11 and Horford is 6-10. Horford is so big he looks like he does curls with small condos. Noah is a poor man's Dennis Rodman. Mata is a good player, takes great pics poolside with the ladies, but he will be seriously outmatched.
So let's see: Big men vs. shrimp. Shrimp vs. big men. Shrimp. Big men. Big men. Shrimp.
Keep the engines on that UCLA jet nice and warm.
Of the two Final Four matchups, UCLA, yours is the biggest mismatch. I read with amusement a story in the Los Angeles Times about how tough Mata is. Unless the rules in college basketball have changed since last week, Mata will not be allowed to carry a hatchet and baseball bat onto the court. That is what it will take for him to beat Noah and Horford. Machinery. A saw.
My friend, the respected and redoubtable Bill Walton, told the newspaper: "Of the 10 John Wooden championship teams, four of them came when the Bruin front line came in as the underdog -- in 1964, 1965, 1970 and 1975. Against Duke, Michigan, Jacksonville, Kentucky. Those teams all had more celebrated front lines. Remember Sidney Wicks (6-8) dismantling Artis Gilmore (7-2)? Remember Fred Slaughter in 1964? Fred was 6-5 and Duke had a 6-10 guy, Jay Buckley, at center.
"The Bruins are a great defensive team and you don't have a great defensive team without having an anchor on the backline," Walton went on. "And that comes from Mata's willingness to do all the little things that solidify the Bruins defense. All the double teams, the pressure on the perimeter, none of that would work without the effort of Mata. That's what makes basketball such a great game: What the Bruins are facing this weekend -- how to beat the big guys."
All of that sounds nice but look at those dates: the 1960s and 1970s. That was so long ago Joan Rivers had her original face. Show me a team today with one of the most athletic and powerful big men combos in history and I'll show you a team that will win almost every game they play. Particularly if the center on the other team is Gary Coleman, by comparison.
So while you play outstanding defense, UCLA, you have not seen great defense until you see Florida again.
It is almost as if we are searching for a reason, any reason, to justify UCLA being here. They earned this trip. They do not have to justify anything. They simply do not have the talent or horses to stay with Florida.
So UCLA, my thoughts are with you. Enjoy Buckhead between practices this week. Great place, this city.
By the way, I know some people at CBS. If you need some extra tickets for the game Monday night, give me a ringy dingy. I can get you some good seats.
Yours with love and respect,
Mike
