Hate Mail: Simply divine, is all it is
Updated May 17
One reader thinks I'm God. Another thinks I'm gay. (Not that there's anything wrong ... oh never mind.) Quite a few of you seem to think I'm single.
What do I think? I think Hate Mail is the best thing that ever happened to the Internet. Don't forget to click on the video version, which I like to call -- because I'm clever like that -- 
Hate Mail Gone Wild.
From: Dave
Could you share with everyone that note that you apparently think you have from God saying you can sub for Him? We'd love to see His notarized signature. By the way, I just got off the phone with Jesus, and He said you faked the note.
Weird. Jesus just called me and said you're a putz.
From: David D.
How many states/cities are you now banned from by readers as a result of your articles? I'm going with 47 states and 75 cities.
Don't know, but at least I'm still big in Dallas.
From: Nora Alaniz
Here in Dallas, Randy Galloway read part of your opinion about Dirk Nowitzki on his radio show today. I had to read for myself if you were the arrogant jerk that your so-called article makes you out to be. You are.
Best piece of writing Galloway's seen in years.
From: warB_panthers
In that photo you look like a Bay Area slam poet with a rap name like Paisley Sourz who'd riff on the McKinley assassination in iambic pentameter ... and you'd have a very thin German girlfriend called Alma who never seemed to eat, smile or talk, but would constantly smoke unfiltered cigarettes and drink bottled water.
I'm big right now in Germany.
From: Tobias H.
Dear Gregg Doyel, I am a German NBA fan and to say it at the beginning, I am very proud of Dirk Nowitzki and the decision that made him MVP. This MVP title is given for the performance of the regular season. Not the postseason. Maybe you are not much into NBA rules, but me as a German can help you out there.
Found you in Stuttgart, Tobias. I'll go to the ends of the Earth to look some of you people up. Hey, you think Michael Ballack looks like the Elephant Man?
From: Cindy
Approaching 40, yet not married. Bleached hair. Obnoxious goatee. Quotes Bette Midler. Targets everyone with a bitchy insult. Uh, you're GAY. Even your mother knows.
Shhh -- she does not.
From: Jason Tucker
As much as I hate you, I LOVED the article on Dale Junior. Easily the best thing you have ever written. But that's not saying a whole lot now, is it?
This is what passes for fan mail.
From: Mike
A little weasel reporter calling Dirk a "gutless fraud" is a little much, don't you think?
Not as bad as a mouth-breathing dork calling Gregg a "little weasel."
From: joe_pug_man
I thought of asking you an intelligent question but I realized that you are not an intelligent person. So I passed. Then I decided to ask you a stupid question because you are in fact a stupid person. So here is my question: Is Dr. Greg House your role, and if so do you realize he is a fictional character? You're not Hugh Laurie Doyel. You're just ... Doyel.
According to that House website, Dr. House is "an antisocial maverick doctor who ... does whatever it takes to solve puzzling cases that come his way." So you think I'm a maverick? But I'm not as big a gutless fraud as Dirk, right?
From: Andrew R.
So Gregg, you're cooler than Clemens. How long until we see you working partial seasons for CBS and instigating bidding wars between CBS and that other network?
The bidding has begun, in fact.
From: Justin T.
You have platinum blonde hair and a soul patch, both which were popular, oh, say, in 1999 -- yet you're lecturing us on what's passé in your column that trashed Roger Clemens. That's classic. No wonder you're a 38-year-old man who can't find a girl to marry him. Now go listen to your 'N Sync album on your iPod.
No 'N Sync for me. But I've got SexyBack, Whoomp! (There It Is) and Rhinestone Cowboy. Oh, and one more thing: Your girl loves listening to my iPod with me.
From: Jonathan
Regarding your part-time athlete article: First, Clemens isn't the first in major sports. Shaq repeatedly took the first few months of an NBA season off while with the Lakers by waiting until September to have surgery. Second, most people would like to see you gargle Clorox.
In the history of the world, has anyone who called himself "Jonathan" -- not John, but Jonathan -- ever amounted to anything? Grow up, Johnny Boy. People are laughing at your name behind your back. Me? I'm laughing in your face.
From: Kurt M.
I am new to your column, and although you make some valid points, your foul language instills a perception of ignorance and arrogance that detracts from your ability to master your subject matter. You may find that you can improve your position by leaving the gutter speech out of your message.
Thanks for the advice, you delicate little piss-ant.
From: Dahla Stevens
While I agree that Dirk Nowitzki appeared to make very little effort during the playoffs, he got MVP for the regular season. So, I can only conclude that you lost a lot of money betting on the Mavericks ... or you are an ethnocentric racist because I'm betting that if Dirk was an African-American, your column wouldn't have been quite so vitriolic.
Picture my mouth gaping open.
From: RealStalker
You have reached the epitome of success: You now have a group dedicated to you on Facebook.com.
Wikipedia, Deadspin, Facebook ... I'm an icon. Or a moron. One of them.
From: Garrett Rooney
I thought we had this ironed out the last time we corresponded. Good Doyel = faceless news medium, i.e. the Internet. Bad Doyel = standing in front of your freezer in your trendy, too tight T-shirt.
You know why the T-shirt is too tight? Because my body is medium -- but my guns are extra large.
