Updated Aug. 2
Instead of focusing this week on my favorite topic, I thought I would open the floor to you. The readers. My readers. My fans. My acolytes.
My goodness. I got carried away there for a moment. Sorry. Back to Hate Mail. Let's start with my favorite kind of e-mail: a dumb one from a Duke fan.
From: Steve Williams
Is it just me or do you have a real problem with Duke and Coach K? Every other article it seems you say something to discredit that coach and program. Your personal issues with him are affecting your credibility as a journalist.
Is it me, Steve, or are you starting to see my stories in your sleep? I've not ripped that two-faced weasel in months. Not counting that whole "two-faced weasel" thing.
From: Doug Banton
I find it laughable that you include Bob Knight in a list of cheaters (Bonds, Landis) and thugs (Vick, Artest).
For that story, Bonds and Landis were the cheats. Vick and Artest were the thugs. Knight filled the "remorseless jerk" demographic.
From: Jeff
Please drop the everyone-hates-me bit. It's tiresome. I know you want this climate of spirited dialogue between the readers and you, but it's just not there. You even gave away your own strategy in your Donaghy article when you said "America wants a superstar and a jerk, all wrapped up in one despicable package." That's really a great line, but don't force it. Just write your opinions in articles; you don't have to write about the fact that they're YOUR opinions. I actually like the way your writing flows and it's often even interesting; just stop writing about yourself. Everyone loves a good hate mail column, but I'm sorry to report that it's not in your repertoire.
It's not in my repertoire? With as much modesty as I can muster, Jeff, I'm happy to report that I not only have the best hate mail column in the business -- I've perfected the genre.
From: Jason Cauley
Re: your hate mail ... I'm amazed. All these morons think you are a serious sportswriter. What nincompoops!
Hahahaha -- exactly. The joke sure is on them. Wait a minute ...
From: Dylan
You act as if sitting on your ass all day writing articles is harder than being a professional poker player. You have no idea.
I never said poker players were lazy sloths. I believe I called them "addicts and idiots."
From: daniel jarvis
I can't believe you get paid for writing. You are easily the worst columnist on this site. I've read two of your columns, and I wish I had not wasted those five minutes of my life.
You know what's funny? You came back to read that second column. You know what's funnier still? You'll come back to read a third. Then a fourth. Hell, you're reading this right now. And in a few months, Daniel, this next guy will be you.
From: Frank C.
Why don't you ever do any articles on tennis? I want another reason to dislike you.
Tennis as a hobby is beautiful. In fact, I could probably whip your ass, Frank. But as a journalistic assignment it's up there with ballroom dancing and spelling bees. You know, the stupid stuff you can find on ESPN.
From: Joseph Neri
Your flippant dismissal of Barry Bonds' reference to his DNA as being one reason for his ability to hit home runs in great numbers is all too common among sports writers who will not take the time and effort to examine the various factors that contribute to a player hitting a great number of home runs as opposed to other players who--
Sorry, Joe, but you've been cut off. That sentence was 62 words and counting, with no sign of a period or even a comma. I hereby flippantly dismiss you as a naïve Barry Bonds apologist and a self-important blowhard. And a crappy writer.
From: carrot top
You are my bitch.
You left multiple Internet fingerprints, which I traced to that porn site. Nice. Stop looking at me like that, Carrot Top. You're giving me the creeps.
From: Vicodin Killah
Your computer is about to go down by the Killah Klub. No one talks s--- about the Illini.
I assume you mean this column? Which I wrote five months ago? Glad to see you made my suffering a priority.
From: Mike McCracken
I'm starting to appreciate your articles. You're pretty adventuresome.
Nah. I'm just a s--- magnet.
From: Phillip Holder
I'm having Dribble withdrawals!
I don't dribble while on assignment. You got a problem with that? Take it up with the pumpkin head playing left field for the Giants. As soon as he hits a few more homers, I'll be home and you'll get your Dribbles.
From: Jim Greene
I've been reading your columns for a long time and I take offense to the person who called you a "pathetic moron" and a "jackass." I don't think you're a jackass.
Awww. Ain't you sweet.
From: Drew in Singapore
While you're out there tracking Bonds, why don't you start a movement: Get everybody attending Barry's next few games to bring large Sharpies, so when the cheater-cheater-steroid-eater finally hits No. 756, whoever catches the ball can quickly draw a big asterisk on it and throw it back at him. Wouldn't that be the ultimate slap in the face?
That's a great idea right up to the point where some dude with a Sharpie catches No. 756 and realizes, at that very moment, he is holding in his hand a new house, or four or five new cars. Or a weekend in Vegas. At that point the only thing you'll see flying onto the field is an unused Sharpie.
From: Tommy K.
You need not go into combat with the masses. It only makes you look worse. People obviously read your stuff, so why call readers out? Do you really have that much time on your hands to worry about what someone wrote to you?
I have that much time and more. I can even look up my readers and figure out who they are and where they live. I can get into my car and go to the airport. I can fly to Houston (looked you up). I can map your house. I can knock on your door. I can--
