Some things I would rather do than wait for Barry Bonds' slow, obnoxious ass to break the all-time home run record:
• Count pennies.
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| Barry, you just bring out the worst in Mike Freeman's imagination. (Getty Images) |
• Take a bath in caramel cream Diet Pepsi.
• Hang out for 12 hours with Star Wars fans.
• Watch Road House eight straight times until I bellow with the cachinnations of a lunatic at Academy Award-worthy dialogue as this:
- "You got a name?"
"Yeah."
"Well, what is it?"
"Dalton."
"Oh my God. I heard of you!"
• Watch the sequel to Road House.
• Watch Caddyshack II.
• Read the ramblings of some of the weirdoes and bomb throwers on the SportsLine message boards.
• Click on the Internet ad that says: "Take this pill and you will have the longest erection in human history."
• Cook possum.
• Hang out with Pacman Jones.
• Or with that walking freight train destined for annihilation, Mike Tyson.
• Sell my baseball card collection.
• Look at the pictures on Sean Salisbury's cell phone.
• Be the slab of roast beef and potatoes at the center of the dinner table once James Gandolfini sat down. Or Tank Johnson.
• Be named "Tank."
• Be Mike Vick. Worse, be his poochy.
• Be one of those bad guys who face the Spartans in the movie 300 and hear: "Spartans, tonight we dine in hell!"
• Get hit with a stun gun.
• Twice.
• Buy O.J. Simpson's new book.
• Be sprayed with insecticide.
• Be eaten by a dinosaur, and I don't mean Joan Collins.
• Watch Shark Week.
• Be a whiner like Johnny Damon.
• Or a hamstring in an NFL training camp.
• Watch the X Games.
• Drink green tea.
• Hear Satan exclaim, "I got next."
• Count the grams of fiber I consumed.
• Go through BUDS training. Or the Ranger Regiment.
• Read this from Gilbert Arenas' blog:
- "There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack.
- "I know you're making a weird face as you're reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.
- "We're humans. We live on land.
- "Sharks live in water.
- "So if you're swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that's called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack.
- "A shark attack is if you're chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that's a shark attack. Now, if you're chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.
- "When I see on the news where it's like, 'There have been 10 shark attacks,' I'm like, 'Hey, for real?! They're just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh!' We live on the land, we don't live underwater."
The problem, Gilbert, is you pilfered that bit from another comedian.
Thief.
And finally, the last thing I'd rather do than wait for Bonds' slow ass to break the home run record:
• Be Bud Selig and follow around a man Selig obviously despises.
• Then use words like "Herculean."
So hurry the hell up, Barry. We're all waiting.
We're all tired of waiting.
