Hate Mail: Don't make this harder than it already is

Updated Nov. 1

So this week I made fun of a guy with two chins, another guy who designs interstate guardrails in Idaho, and a third guy who has erectile dysfunction.

But you started it by comparing me to Jeffrey Dahmer.

Hate Mail is brutal. I wish I could do it more often.

From: josh

Zzzzzzzzz ... your columns put me to sleep. You really need to approach a drug company about putting your columns in pill form. You could be rich.

I already did that. The pill is called Viagra. You know, Josh -- the one in your medicine cabinet.

From: Joe M.

Wow, Gregg Doyel standing up for a principle? I never thought I'd see the day. Are you getting soft, Doyel? Because that A-Rod story sure makes me think so.

How can I be soft? Viagra, remember. Viagra.

From: Chris T.

Did you just compare your writings to Hemingway's?

No. I was comparing his to mine.

From: Abe

It's obvious your mother knows somebody at CBS very well. They gave you a job, you start spewing your filth everywhere. You ever heard, "Don't kick a dog while it's down"? Probably not. You were one of the kids, along with Bundy, Gacy, Dahmer, who tortured animals growing up.

You just compared me to three of the worst serial murderers in U.S. history? I'm intrigued appalled.

From: Greg S.

Sounds like someone lost money on the World Series. Stop mixing gambling with work.

Caught me. I'm big on gambling.

From: Andrew D.

As a longtime hater of your articles, and as someone who wanted to throw up when I saw the headline "Colorado would have been better off losing the NLCS," I must say that every now and then you hit the nail on the head, and this A-Rod article is the perfect example of that.

I must have been preaching to the choir on that Bor-Rod column, because this is the closest thing it got to a mean email.

From: Keith

Most of the time I hate your guts and your articles and think you're pretty much a douche. However your article on Bor-Rod was spot on. He couldn't hack it in New York and is taking the easy way out. Do you have an opt-out clause in your contract? If only CBS Sports.com could do the same with you ... douche!

OK, this was closer.

From: Matthew T.

How much would it take for you to pull a Rick Reilly and sell out to ESPN? And at the risk of hurting that opportunity, do you think ESPN lost its final sliver of credibility by identifying Reilly and Bill Simmons as the two best sports columnists anywhere?

I don't know about its credibility, but I was a bit confused when ESPN's guy said that about Reilly and Simmons, considering I'm every bit as good as one of them. (The other one, no chance.) ESPN was probably just trying to get back at me for leaving in 2003 for this fine job. No grudges. Their staff includes my favorite sports writer ever.

From: Bill C.

You seem to actually love hate mail. Conversely, do you hate love mail? I await your weak response.

I'm not sure I would recognize love mail. Maybe you can help me with this next guy.

From: Dave E.

We all know you're a natural, you've got talent. You were born a total jackass and a complete fish-head. If you stepped it up, you could be one of the legends of jackass-ary. But instead you're slipping. Your dribbles are now just one-liners, and your articles are somewhat agreeable. Reading your articles used to make me want to punch stuff, particularly you. It's like Sonny told us in A Bronx Tale: There's nothing worse than wasted talent. And you are wasted talent. But he's a movie character, not a real human being. And I'm getting the feeling you're not either.

I'm going to take this as a compliment. Not sure how, but that's what I'm going to do. Next time, Dave E., try to be more clear.

From: Dave E.

It's 11 a.m. on Thursday. Where's your Hate Mail column? Slacker. You write two or three columns a week which, judging by their quality, couldn't have required more than an hour or two of effort. Add in the Hate Mail and the one-liner dribbles, and near as I can tell you do about 10 hours of work a week. So I expect the Hate Mail column first thing on Thursday morning. Next time I'm complaining to your boss and telling him that you're a fish-head.

This isn't any nicer. Or meaner. I can't tell if you hate me or love me. Maybe it's both. I could live with that.

From: Matt Y.

I feel so bad for you. I don't know what's worse -- being a no-talent hack who is not respected by his peers, or dying your hair blonde to look like a wannabe Eminem. Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Gregg, stay seated.

Now then, this was clear. This guy hates me. And if he didn't before, he will now that he knows I looked up his wedding photos from Roseton, N.Y., and laughed at his double chin.

From: Eric

Most anyone can take an excerpt from a letter or an opinion and trash it, as I am sure you are doing right now, or look up an individual and find some flaw or criticism. It sounds to me like you are taking the mail you receive too seriously. If you can't handle the scrutiny of being a published member of the media then I would recommend a different job. I'm not saying that you should embrace everything that is sent to you, but I just don't understand the need to publicly humiliate people.

I only publicly humiliate people who trample into my back yard and leave a mess. You, for example, left no mess. So you get to spend another day in irrelevant anonymity there in Iowa. You're welcome.

From: Gregg Doyel Retro Day

Seeing as how every pro sports team has a retro day with mostly ugly uniforms from yesteryear, I'd like to propose Retro Gregg Doyel Day for Hate Mail. Bring back the picture you had a few years ago -- you know, the really geeky one before you went boy-band bleach blonde on us with that weak ass chin-tee. Although that may be cool in Ohio? At least go for some handle bars. Oh, and give us your top five or 10 favorite hate mails.

Interesting. First of all, I'm thinking of doing a Hate Mail book. Best of Hate Mail, that kind of thing. Second, my look has changed again but I'm too lazy to update the photo. No glasses. No blonde. Almost no hair, period. I've gone minimalist, except for my arms, which are maximus.

From: Rob

I read a lot of your articles because I enjoy how candid and honest you appear to be, regardless of whether I agree with your opinion. But man, do you have to constantly remind everyone what an athletic specimen you are? WE KNOW ALREADY. Seriously the machismo thing gets really annoying.

Be nice to me. Isn't it obvious I'm trying to over-compensate for something? But just for you, not another word on my athletic exploits for the rest of this week's Hate Mail.

From: kevin

Do you really participate in recreational mixed martial arts? I would fly pretty much anywhere to watch you fight some of the repeat offenders who frequently send you hate mail. One word of caution; any match involving CT Hoosier would probably become extremely violent or potentially X-rated. Seriously, it could be a hit. We could call it: Greg Doyel Hate Mail 77.

I really do participate, and just last week I really got my nose broken doing some kickboxing at Jorge Gurgel's MMA gym against a damned good light heavyweight named Mojo Horn. Then I dragged my bloody nose into the ring and sparred with UFC welterweight Dustin Hazelett, who turned my white T-shirt completely red. What a hoot! As for you, spell my name right, please. I can handle a broken nose. I cannot handle a missing 'g'.?

From: CT Hoosier

You should come write about something here in China.

People are starting to talk about us, Hoosier Stalker.

From: charlie j.

Remember Rick Kuhn? Boston College is that nice neighbor down the block -- the one with the kid who did hard time.

Excellent point. Well done.

From: Milford M.

Drivel once again. At least you are consistently poor at what you do.

You design highway guardrails -- looked you up, Milford -- and you're making fun of my job?

From: big dog

Do you have anything better to do than bash Indiana? We all knew it would be a matter of time before you jumped on this like a rabid dog. I have met Kelvin Sampson twice, and I know people who know him very well. He is a good and ethical person, despite the picture you try to paint of him.

Wow. You met him twice, and you know people who know him? That's huge. Next time I write on Indiana, I'll be sure to call you for some of that insider info.

From: Chris

We're all very impressed with your ability to navigate your database and various search engines to find out frivolous information on your readers in some lame attempt at intimidating them. However, threats of stabbing readers will not hide the truth that you are not very insightful in your sports coverage and do not have enough integrity to last in this business. Certain writers can be offensive and brash and pull it off because of something called talent. You are not in that category. Hope to see this letter in your next installment. Peace out, home slice.

I've been a sports writer for 18 years, home slice, at some of the best newspapers and websites in the country. You don't have to like my style, but you have to recognize the talent. Do it at once -- or I'll stab you with a fondue fork.

From: Jeff

Are you required to write a handful of half-assed, reactionary articles each week on topics that you only pretend to care about? Is there any way you can scale that back and write one solid article each week instead on things that actually matter to you? And why do you bask in the glory of pissing off dumb people?

Yes. No. Because you're an easy target, Jeff.

From: R. Gates

Don't be sexist. Chicks hate that.

Broads don't like that term, Gatesy.

From: Toxicshock

Nick Saban is despicable because he treats the media with the regards they have earned? He's not limp like you so-called columnists. He doesn't need a hug or some puff-piece column. The media just cannot relate to a man who will not sink to the level of a sycophant.

The only people who like Nick Saban -- the only people who have ever liked Nick Saban -- are fans of the team he's coaching at that moment. Everyone else hates him because he's a despicable guy who leaves a trail of hard feelings. You'll find out some day, Alabama fan.

From: Anders N.

Your article about UFC judging was garbage. You speculated, criticized and bad-mouthed Dana White. You wrote the article in a negative manner and then offered no positive solutions. Do you know that the judges work for the government and not Dana? How does Dana have ANY influence over them? Please stop writing about MMA -- you obviously don't know what you are talking about.

Stick to your UFC fanboy message boards, Anders. That's where you'll find people who think just like you do. Here on planet Earth, I'll continue to call it like I see it. And I can see Dana White has an enormous problem on his hands with UFC officiating.

From: Peter Gazzara

Can you tell me where I can find information about the ABC's Wide World of Sports TV show in the '70s and '80s ... Superteams? They had competition between many different sports teams and I would like to know which team sport did the best overall ... Thanks, Peter G.

Most random e-mail ever.