At this month's annual NFL owners' meetings, the league passed around its list of prime-time games for the 2008 opening weekend, with Washington at the Giants kicking off the season. Terrific, except I didn't see anything or anyone telling me which games to avoid.
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| Hmm, anyone smell Tuna? (US Presswire) |
Ready. Set. Go away.
New York Jets at Miami, Sept. 7: Quarterback? Can I have a quarterback? What's worse is that in the absence of a contest we'll be treated to 274 closeups of The Tuna and told what a great job he's doing of turning the Dolphins around. Please. It's Week 1, for crying out loud. I'm more interested in where he'll be in four years.
Detroit at Atlanta, Sept. 7: The Lions ranked 31st in rushing. The Falcons ranked 26th. So it's Jon Kitna vs. Chris Redman, and, I'm sorry, but I don't have four-and-a-half hours to kill waiting for a final score.
Kansas City at Atlanta, Sept. 21: Great. It's my birthday, and I get to celebrate with two of the worst teams out there. The Falcons don't have a quarterback, and Kansas City may not, either. The final score isn't the issue here; the over-under on attendance is.
Minnesota at Tennessee, Sept. 28: The quarterback to throw the first touchdown pass wins, and, yes, we will enforce a midnight curfew.
Oakland at Baltimore, Oct. 26: What do you say we just let the Ryan Brothers decide this in a best-of-three falls? What ... you'd rather watch JaMarcus Russell in a throwdown versus Steve McNair/Kyle Boller/Troy Smith? Please.
Kansas City at N.Y. Jets, Oct. 26: See Kansas City at N.Y. Jets, Dec. 30, 2007.
Arizona at St. Louis, Nov. 2: Good only if you're a defensive back with incentives based on interceptions. Rams quarterbacks threw a league-leading 28 last season; Arizona was second with 24. I never thought I'd say this but ... calling Rex Grossman. Calling Rex Grossman.
Buffalo at New England, Nov. 9: The Bills haven't won here since a 16-13 overtime decision in 2000 and are 1-14 over their last 15 tries against New England. A lottery will be held before the game to determine which lucky Bills' season-ticket holder gets a chance to cover Randy Moss.
Houston at Indianapolis, Nov. 16: Look, I wouldn't have wanted to be there for Little Big Horn or Pearl Harbor, either, and the Texans have about as much chance of winning this one as the Titanic did of making it to New York. It's bad enough that Houston has never won in Indianapolis and is 1-11 in the series. What's worse is that the Colts have scored 30 or more points in all but one of their home games against Houston.
Tennessee at Detroit, Nov. 27: Let's see, the last time the Lions looked good on Thanksgiving was when Earl Morrall quarterbacked them. Nope, wait a minute, I think that was Bill Munson. Anyway, it's been awhile. The only thing worse than the Lions on Thanksgiving is the Tigers in middle relief. I'll give thanks when I don't have to cover this game.
Detroit at Indianapolis, Dec. 14: Recommended viewing only for Peyton Manning Fantasy football owners. Detroit ranked 31st against the pass, so what do you think happens?
Arizona at New England, Dec. 21: The Patriots won their last 14 home games, including three playoff starts; Arizona is 9-40 on the road dating back to the last game of 2001. New England has Tom Brady and Gisele; Arizona has Matt Leinart and pool attendants. New England reached the Super Bowl four of the past seven seasons; Arizona has been to the playoffs twice in 32 years, once if you don't count the 1982 strike-truncated season. I think you get the idea. The Cards have about as much chance of winning here as Lane Kiffin does of getting a contract extension.
Miami at N.Y. Jets, Dec. 28: You're telling me they couldn't switch this series around and put the September game in New Jersey and the December game in Miami? This makes about as much sense as hiring Isiah Thomas to run your basketball team. So now we have two of the league's bottom feeders finishing the season in a game nobody will attend ... unless, that is, you want another closeup of The Tuna. Hey, did we ever tell you what a great job he's doing with rebuilding the Dolphins?
Dallas at Philadelphia, Dec. 28: I thought taking down the tree was depressing. Now it's T.O. in Philadelphia, which is why I loathe Christmas returns. Somebody cue the Mummers.
