If we're going to overreact, we're going whole hog
B: Select six teams and make them play at the same time on the same field, last man standing wins. Call it the Second Battle of the Marne and sell it to the History Channel.
Basketball
Typically the best because the players want to be there for props, but if we're fixing games here, we're fixing games here, to quote Tim Donaghy, so:
A: Ban even any form of defense except shot-blocking.
B: Just for curiosity's sake, put Candace Parker on one of the teams to see just how far the men's game actually is from the women's game, rather than depending on anecdotal guesses. If she's the best, let's see how far away she is. Hey, just an idea, OK? If you hate the idea, e-mail Doyel. He loves it when you call him an idiot. I know; I've seen it done.
Hockey
Now that the new big-deal idea is outdoor hockey, the All-Star Game has become even less appealing. But the NHL has changed its format so many times there aren't any really new ideas left. But we still have two, because, damn it, that's our job.
A: The World Against (Name The Country): One year, Canada. The next year, Sweden. After that, Russia, and on and on. The World Against The "Ehs"; The World Against the "Ssons," then The World Against The "Ovs," and eventually down to Greece -- in which everyone in the world plays against the 73-year-old Chris Chelios.
B: Play the game outdoors, but not just outdoors, but outdoors in Winnipeg, where winters really, really, really suck. And the game ends when a designated mom calls everyone in to eat.
Soccer
Don't need one. We have the Champions League, the Copa Libertadores, the African Nations Cup and on and on, every year, plus the World Cup every four years, plus the European Cup every four years. MLS? Please. It's still a feeder for the big boys, and but us no buts about required patriotism or anything else.
But if you really need one, split the world in half at the equator and get your best 22. Winners get to spend the next six weeks on the beach with zaftig supermodels and wait for their next megadeal ... oops, too late for that one.
And make sure the folks who run MLS get terrace seats, to remind them of how far they are from getting it.
College football
What, you don't have enough to complain about with the BCS?
College basketball
Given the current trending, make the McDonald's Game cutoff at seventh grade. High schoolers are just too old.
Or, in the alternative
I think we'll just go with "shut up" again. We're turning into a nation of snivelers about stuff that really doesn't matter, and as we all know, nothing matters less than all-star games.
Except of course, involuntary voluntary OTAs and summer leagues.
Ray Ratto is a columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle.
