Women in sports really do want to be men, but for the life of me I can't understand why. Men are stupid. Men are immature. Men aren't even men. We're pigs.
Maybe that's why women are trying to become men -- to fill the sports void left behind by us swine.
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| You might want to cool your jets a bit, Danica Patrick. (AP) |
The whole thing is too much. The common denominator in the devolution of sports has been testosterone and the ensuing pursuit of "respect." Too much testosterone has led to fighting and cheating and posturing, but it also has led to records and championships and hundred-million-dollar contracts, which has caused some knuckleheads, like Tour de France disgrace Floyd Landis, to seek more testosterone.
And this is the path women want to walk?
Maybe they have no choice. Playing sports the right way hasn't done much for their profile, or their ability to make a buck. The Women's United Soccer Association folded in 2003, in three years being unable to match the attention generated by Brandi Chastain's bra or Hope Solo's tantrum. The 12-year-old WNBA remains a fringe sport, kept afloat by the NBA for reasons known only to the NBA. The only time the nation stops to notice a WNBA player is when she enters male territory by throwing down a dunk.
Or by putting up her dukes.
It was one thing back in the day when Cynthia Cooper mimicked the men and overdosed on that ridiculous "raise the roof" sign to the point that Amy Winehouse thought maybe Cooper needed an intervention. But it's something else entirely -- something so unnecessarily male -- for WNBA players to throw down, as they did Tuesday night in Auburn Hills, Mich.
Does that dateline ring a bell? Auburn Hills, Mich.? It should. That was the site of the last great NBA brawl, the 2004 nightmare that had fans behaving like players, Ron Artest manning up and Stephen Jackson impersonating a hyena.
Now the women have their own Malice at the Palace. Tuesday night, Sparks rookie Candace Parker nearly got into a fight with Detroit's Cheryl Ford, exchanged two spastic takedowns with Detroit's Plenette Pierson and then threw a punch at Pierson as all hell broke loose.
Ever wondered what that 2004 NBA brawl would have been like had Artest and Jackson not been on the same side? This was an example. Parker was the disrespected star. Pierson was the unhinged lunatic, frothing at the mouth as her teammate, Ford, tried to calm her down. Eyeing Parker like a starving person eyes a steak, Pierson flung Ford away, reinjuring Ford's knee. Ford left the court in a wheelchair. Pierson should have left in a straightjacket.
It was so bad that former Bad Boy Rick Mahorn, who's 6-10 and looks to be 300 pounds, had to play the peacemaker. That didn't work so well. Mahorn tried to push Lisa Leslie away from the scrum and was rewarded with a flop from Leslie that was so egregious, male soccer players everywhere averted their eyes.
Give Mahorn credit for treating Leslie like a person, not a paper doll. It is that double standard that allows Patrick to roam pit row with impunity, shoving Dan Wheldon last year in Milwaukee and stalking Ryan Briscoe earlier this year at Indianapolis, knowing damn well nothing will be done back at her. After being stopped by security officials before she could reach Briscoe, Patrick said, "Probably best I didn't get down there anyway." The idiot.
Patrick did get down to Milka Duno's pit stall on Saturday. Convinced Duno had bogged her down by driving too slowly during practice, Patrick yelled and cursed and seemed shocked -- shocked! -- that Duno didn't appreciate it. Duno threw a towel in Patrick's face, told her to leave and finally walked away. Given the context, Duno took the high road.
Dominique Moceanu did not. Twelve years after helping the United States win Olympic gold, she went on HBO this week and ripped Bela and Marta Karolyi for pushing the team too hard. Moceanu painted an ugly picture of their "dark side," leaving unsaid her possible motivation for lashing out: Moceanu wanted to come out of retirement at the 2006 U.S. national championships but was unable to qualify because of an injury, and wasn't given a pass by USA Gymnastics to compete anyway.
As for Wie, she was so emboldened by shooting three consecutive rounds in the 60s on the LPGA Tour this past weekend -- she was disqualified for not signing her scorecard -- she has decided to take on the men on the PGA Tour for an eighth time. She didn't make the cut in her first seven tries, but here she comes again. The stop next week, the Legends Reno-Tahoe Open, gave her a free pass into its tournament.
And why not? When it comes to sports, women are the new men.
