Adding cage to oval -- or ice -- makes sense in this angry world

Kevin Harvick and Carl Edwards aren't very nice to each other, but in NASCAR's current fashion, they will each be called into the principal's office, get the five-minute lecture and then sent back out to play. It's just letting a playa play.

It is also the latest in a fairly steady stream of garage, pit row and porta-john incidents this year -- words said, hands thrown, audience loving it, the organization turning a blind and winking eye. Victimless crime, or to give it its preferred name, victimless hi-jinks.

Put Carl Edwards and Kevin Harvick in a cage instead of the garage, and it might not be all smiles. (Getty Images)

In the meantime, MMA is taking a huge beating over the allegations that the Seth Petruzelli-Kimbo Slice fight might not have been entirely on the up-and-up. Ultimately, of course, that will end the same way, with nothing happening because the MMA audience really doesn't care that much how genuine the sport is as long as someone's getting the viscera pounded from him.

Hey, society's in a pissy mood right now. People want something to punch something else. And hockey season is starting, too, and fighting is back in fashion there as well.

Which leads us to our latest sure-fire, can't-miss-even-in-this-economy plan to take over the world, one cable outlet at a time.

NASCAR MMA, and Hockey MMA.

If on the off chance that the Slice-Petruzelli fight fails to pass MMA's admittedly liberal smell test, they'll need the genuine article again, and soon. Already some of the best names have been cycled out as the true toll of the sport becomes more widely known, so the star wheel has to be reloaded.

And the only place we know where the fights are as real as they are plentiful is NASCAR.

The Edwards-Harvick row is only the latest, and given Edwards' decision to dent the hood of Harvick's car with his head, we know that they weren't foolin'.

So why not have an MMA ring at every event and make a little extra scratch off the boys' tempers? It's called synergy, and all the cool kids in marketing love it, because it keeps interest high while keeping overhead low. And nothing speaks to the American psyche quite like low overhead.

Let Edwards and Harvick strip to their skivvies, away from the gasoline stench, and go at it under recognized MMA rules (which are actual and verifiable, despite the evidence to the contrary) in front of a crowd of high rollers and VIPs who pay for the extra event as part of their NASCAR In Your Wallet ticket.

NASCAR would suddenly have more viewers, and the seemingly flattening interest would spike again, which is just the thing for the sponsors -- if such people still exist in the grand new world. Plus, Edwards and Harvick and all the other kids who don't play well with others would be able to work out their frustrations without all those messy tool boxes getting in the way. And MMA gets new, weirder legitimacy -- its microscopic dignity restored, if you must.

This is such a seamless idea that we're surprised someone in either pursuit hasn't already thought of it. They might talk funny (as opposed to Boston fans, all of whom sound like Winston Churchill at a funeral), but they know where the money can be found, and if this isn't the answer to their prayers. ...