Online chats? You have some e-mail to answer first, Mr. Commish

"Dear Commissioner: Serious question, requires a serious answer: You're chained to a chair, gagged, with your eyelids stapled open. There's a TV in the room, but you can't get to the remote. How much NFL Network programming do you think you could watch before you offered to give your captors all the league's account numbers?"

"Dear Commissioner: How come you guys always have dire financial problems when you're about to negotiate a new labor deal, or is it just that because of cutbacks caused by the world economic crisis, the Cayman Islands aren't open 24/7 anymore?"

"Dear Commissioner: I have been a Lions fan my entire life, like my father before me and his father before him. Now, do I ask you to send someone to my home to blow my brains out, or must I call the Lions directly? They don't seem to answer their customer service hotline, and Thanksgiving is coming up, so you can see there is a time issue involved."

"Dear Commissioner: Arlen Spector -- did you ever give any thought to just giving him 3 percent of the Eagles and shut him up that way? You guys aren't anti-bribery all of a sudden now, are you?"

"Dear Commissioner: Do you have plans to attend the Cardinals' first home playoff game in 61 years, or will you wait for them to do it again in 2069?"

"Dear Commissioner: If you could choose the new head of the NFL Players Union before negotiations began, would it be Gilbert Gottfried, Sarah Palin or a pony?"

"Dear Commissioner: How many times may I hit you flush in the face with the NFL rulebook before you and your fellow elves realize it is too thick and convoluted to make any sense anymore?"

"Dear Commissioner: Is it true that you are entertaining a plan to play the conference championship games opposite the Inauguration just to let the new President know what's what?"

"Dear Commissioner: The Pro Bowl -- why, exactly?"

Get back to us with your answers ASAP. We need time to apply the leeches before we let you read the fan comments.

Ray Ratto is a columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle.