Let's leave the exciting world inside Plaxico Burress' head for a moment. Let's let Dodd walk through the re-upping of Charlie Weis and the puffy-gooey 2009 Notre Dame schedule with which he can rebuild his résumé. Let's even ignore Stephon Marbury, Man of Leisure.
Instead, we want to bring you the latest from the trying-too-hard-to-be-a-nitwit Sean Avery, who became the first player in the history of any sport to be immediately suspended for publicly insulting his former girlfriend.
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| The NHL moves quickly to muzzle Sean Avery. (Getty Images) |
"I'm really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada," he told the network before the Stars' game against the Flames. "I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. But enjoy the game tonight."
He refers here to Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is currently dating actress Elisha Cuthbert, although it is also an oblique shot at Los Angeles center Jarret Stoll, who is dating another Avery ex, Rachel Hunter.
Basically, Avery is an utter swine, which is not news to anyone who has seen or heard his work before. Indeed, a number of his Dallas teammates and his boss are more than willing to see the back of him, judging from the immediate reaction.
"I completely support the league's decision to suspend Sean Avery," Stars owner Tom Hicks said in a statement. "Had the league not have suspended him, the Dallas Stars would have. This organization will not tolerate such behavior, especially from a member of our hockey team. We hold our team to a higher standard and will continue to do so."
"We expect that out of him like we have all year," said goaltender Marty Turco. "You know, the show continues."
And center forward Mike Ribeiro finished off with, "Nothing he says or does anymore shocks me. I think it's part of him."
Dallas is currently the worst team in the Western Conference, and just brought in veteran Darryl Sydor, a former Star, to try and heal what some NHL observers say is a badly splintered dressing room.
But that's normal living in the world of sports. I mean, Avery's leg is bullet-hole free, which is something. And Quentin Richardson has never regarded Avery as a teammate, either.
It's the swiftness with which the NHL office reacted, though, that is most interesting. Avery's remarks, which were extraordinary for their tastelessness even in a culture that works the word "tasteless" pretty hard, got him wiped out almost before the Internet reacted to the original remarks.
And Hicks, whose general manager, Brett Hull, signed Avery, a former teammate, to a four-year, $15.5 million contract, couldn't wait to jump in on the back end with a venom that even Mayor Mikey Bloomberg couldn't muster when he vowed full frontal justice upon Burress.
True, they might have done it to save Avery from a 37-on-1 beating at the Pengrowth Saddledome, and they might have done it because he behaves like such a festering sore so often.
Mostly, though, the league stepped in to say, without actually saying it, "There really is something we won't tolerate no matter how much notice it gets us."
I mean, they've had owners get arrested. They've removed the shame from fighting. Until this, we were sure they would do literally anything to get someone to pay attention to them.
But this is beyond even their endurance, and not just because it probably made Don Cherry's eyes explode. It had all the elements the league needed for swift and sure retribution -- crudity, cruelty, insensitivity, revulsion, and it came out of Sean Avery's mouth.
Avery is now closer than he's ever been to being the man he's always wanted to be -- a household canker sore. But he'll have to do it without his only platform for fame, since the league, which does nothing swiftly, set speed records for his suspension.
Indeed, if the league really wants to make hay while it makes Avery pay, it should put an NHL Network camera in the room when Avery meets with the league's prince of discipline, Colin Campbell:
"Sean, why did you think that was a good idea?"
"Because it works for Vince McMahon, and now non-hockey fans know who I am."
And then Clemenza, who is standing behind him, says, "Hello, Sean," like he did to Carlo Rizzi in the car right before he piano-wired him.
At least that's how Gary Bettman fantasizes the meeting. What will actually happen is less interesting, but it will probably end with him never being paid again, Hicks taking a new and far more jaundiced view of Hull's acumen, Stars coach Dave Tippett breathing several thousands sighs of relief, and Phaneuf in a very bad mood while he mentally reconciles not being able to beat Avery into a thin, gray paste.
And best of all, no thighs were shot in the making of this little dog-and-pony show. So you don't need violence to be stupid -- you just need stupidity. And Sean Avery's as good as gold there.
Ray Ratto is a columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle.
