You see the picture and your jaw drops just like mine did. You know what photo I'm talking about. The one when you first looked, you thought this was a column about Kirby Puckett.
No, that's not Kirby Puckett. That's Mike Tyson. The Mike Tyson. The one-time baddest man on the planet looks like he ate the damn planet.
Seeing Tyson in this state of water-retaining global excess is more shocking than when I heard Plax shot himself in the leg. I'm serious.
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Not that I'm Denzel Washington, but my goodness, Iron Mike.
Maybe I should have sympathy for Tyson, but sympathy is not what we do here at CBSSports.com. Smart-ass is what we do.
So please excuse what follows. I must do it. I have to do it. I can't help myself.
"I finally found you! My long lost twin!" -- Mark Mangino
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mike?
Mike who?
Mike, why'd you eat all the jelly doughnuts?
Chris Paul just set the steals record. He has actually two additional steals that are unaccounted for. Tyson ate them.
Mike Tyson -- in his second trimester since 2007.
"Mike, let's have a chat." -- Signed, NutriSystem.
"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children ..."
He wasn't kidding.
Though he'd have to snack on a Tibetan village to get that large.
Tyson is starring in a new MTV series: Pimp My 'Fridge.
There's a news conference on Friday to announce that Mike Tyson can't see his, ahem, feet.
Bill Belichick tried to film Tyson eating dinner but ran out of tape.
"We love you for who you are, Mike." -- The Klumps.
Tyson fell off the wagon then ate the wagon.
Boxing isn't dead. We finally located it. It's deep in Tyson's colon.
I'm not kicking Tyson when he's down. Remember this is one of the nastiest human beings ever to participate in professional sports. Besides, if I did kick him, he wouldn't feel it for a week.
By the way, if Tyson ever did have a Plaxident, it'd take a team of five surgeons, a crane and 16 metal detectors to find the bullet.
For those of you keeping score ... aw, hell, never mind. Tyson just ate the score, too.
"Lemme upgrade ya'." -- Tyson to Beyonce
Tyson apparently had no clue how much fructose corn syrup is in the human ear.
Bush was right. There were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Tyson ate them.
WWMD: What Would Mike Do? Go for seconds, of course.
If Santa is late this year it's because Tyson ate Prancer and Vixen.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: What is that? ... WHAT IS THAT, PRIVATE PYLE?
Private Pyle: Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!
Hartman: A jelly doughnut?
Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!
Hartman: How did it get here?
Pyle: Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!
Hartman: Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle?
Pyle: Sir, no, sir!
Hartman: Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?
Pyle: Sir, no, sir!
Hartman: And why not, Private Pyle?
Pyle: Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!
Hartman: Because you are a disgusting fat body, Private Pyle!
Any day you can reference Full Metal Jacket is a good day.
An Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at Tyson -- and didn't miss.
The Day the Earth Stood Still is not a sci-fi movie about an alien attack. It's what happens every morning Mike Tyson gets out of bed.
"You've got nothing on us Mike." -- Jessica Simpson's lips
Wal-Mart is making a Tyson action figure. French fries sold separately.
For most people there are six degrees of separation. For Tyson, there are 60.
Is that a tattoo on Tyson's face or a map to IHOP?
Good luck, Mr. Tyson, in fighting the battle of the bulge. We've all been there buddy.
But please don't stop eating. Your appetite is important to the economy.
