Stain-free figures few and far between in NBA playoffs

Well, I guess this means Stan Van Gundy is to be declared a good coach now. All is forgiven, because the Orlando Magic are moving on and the Boston Celtics are moving out. That's how the law works -- win, and the whole world wins with you. Lose, and you stink on ice.

And for the Magic, the stink has all been on Van Gundy, the hyper-animated clothes hamper who according to all the conventional wisdom has overcome all his worst instincts to coach Orlando to the Eastern Conference finals.

Perfect. One more reason these have been the least satisfying NBA playoffs in years. The instant, and momentary, resurrection of an effective yet unpopular coach. "Where knee-jerk reactions happen," indeed.

Stan Van Gundy's reputation might never reach these heights again. (Getty Images)

Then again, who hasn't come out of these playoffs without some level of disgrace? Derrick Rose and Ben Gordon, for sure. Also the Cavaliers and Nuggets. After that, everyone has come away with the mark of the skunk, and for all the anticipation of the seemingly preordained Cavs-Lakers final, that won't change.

The seven first-round losers that weren't the Bulls all shamed themselves to one degree or other, most notably the Hornets. You don't do worse than tapping out, and losing by 58 is a tap-out, pure and simple. And Hawks-Heat is generally held already to be an instant classic of inertia.

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The officiating got another round of abuse, only this time because Mark Wunderlich was blocked out of a lame attempt to foul by Antoine Wright. Then the NBA apologized, looking weak and feckless in the effort. Then David Stern, who might actually be going crazy, thought that instant replay like the NFL might be a good idea at some point, although he said he would be outvoted 30-0 on that. Yeah, right -- like David Stern doesn't know how to count votes and shift owners' minds when he wants something.

The Hawks were found guilty of playing the deadliest 11 games in playoff history. The Celtics were game but hurt. The Mavs were undone by a better team and burdened by a celebrity serial nutjob. The Rockets managed to put together one of the most bizarre series ever -- win by 8, lose by 13, lose by 14, win by 12, lose by 40, win by 15, lose by 19. Dwight Howard has been praised for calling out his coach and scandalized for not demanding the ball enough -- at the same time.

And everyone hates the way the Lakers are playing. Hates, I tell you.

So who exactly does this leave for NBA fans to admire as the conference finals begin?

Well, the Cavs, who have won all their games so far by an average margin by 16.5 points, including holding the opponent under 80 in half the games. They are halfway to the Full Moses ("Fo, fo, fo, fo,"), and everyone has looked just grand, including once-vilified head coach Mike Brown. LeBron, we don't really don't need to cover.

And everyone seems freshly enamored by the Nuggets, who have looked good in beating a heartless opponent (New Orleans) and an undermanned one (Dallas). Plus, the Bulls were noble in defeat, especially Rose and Gordon.

But nobody has been happy with the other two semifinalists, and the only person who has been crushed more than Kobe Bryant is Van Gundy.

Van Gundy is too critical of his players, too prone to panic, too conservative, too Ron Jeremy-esque -- you name it, he's guilty of it. But if you want to encapsulate the dissatisfaction, just say that he has been found guilty of being militantly unfashionable by the NBA Politburo.

This will not change, either. You'll notice that Dwight Howard was instantly rehabilitated in the Game 7 win at Boston oon Sunday. So was Hedo Turkoglu, who was metaphorically chain-whipped for most of the first six games. But Van Gundy has the feel of a lost cause, because he isn't going to look or coach any differently, and being uncool is a state of mind in the eyes of the beholders.

Van Gundy, though, has a way out -- to remember our pal Mike Brown. The Cavs coach was routinely mocked two years ago for being unworthy of LeBron, sometimes even by LeBron. Now, he is either left alone or credited for growing into the job, even if a lot of that is actually the maturation of Mo Williams at work. All coaches look better when the point guard is good -- ask George Karl, whose marriage to Chauncey Billups has been perfectly golden for him.

Now maybe this is Van Gundy's fate as well, if not this year then next. If he does it this time, of course, the players will be largely responsible, and Brown will be back in the dumper, but nothing is permanent in this league -- not even reputations.

Except of course, for the officiating. Tim Donaghy put face to thought, and the league is paying for it even now. In fact, with apologies at the ready for crimes not committed and crackpot replay ideas by the guy who is supposed to have the steadiest hand in the sweat-for-cash industry, the league is paying full retail and then overtipping.

But I guess that's going to be a long and painful process, since the NBA long ago lost its way on nurturing and protecting its officials while at the same time improving them.

Maybe they can ask Stan Van Gundy what he thinks. After all, he would like to be asked something, anything, that doesn't make him feel like Paul Newman at the end of Slapshot, when the referee thrusts the Federal Cup at him in disgust and snarls, "Congratulations, you bum."

Ray Ratto is a columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle.