Some technical assistance? Call off dogs, commish

Hate Mail: Dreaming to write like you

First of all, you have to know what triggered the story you're reading right now. So I'll tell you: It started for me a few days ago when Orlando's Dwight Howard shoved Cleveland's Ben Wallace in Game 3 of the Eastern Conference finals, got called for the foul, and then complained until he picked up a technical foul. That was Howard's fifth technical of the postseason. Two more, and he'll be suspended a game. Even if that game is in the NBA Finals. Imagine that.

It's pretty obvious that NBA referees' patience is running very thin these playoffs. (Getty Images)

So that's what triggered this story. Howard went into Game 4 on Tuesday night dangerously close to missing a game deep in the playoffs. The same went for Los Angeles' Kobe Bryant, who was sitting at five technical fouls this postseason entering Wednesday night. And Denver's Kenyon Martin, also with five technicals.

Four teams are left in the NBA playoffs. Three have a star on the precipice of a one-game suspension.

This is an epidemic. These players are idiots.

That was my story.

But then I did some research. And not exactly complicated research, either. I read about each technical foul that has been called this postseason. I watched YouTube highlights of some of the plays in question. And then on Tuesday night I watched Howard pick up his sixth technical foul, putting him one away from an automatic one-game suspension. Howard's crime for this particular technical foul? I have no idea. He scored despite being manhandled by Cleveland's Anderson Varejao, barked out a syllable or two at Varejao in passionate glee, and then ran back for defense.

Technical foul? For that?

And just like that, my story had changed. There are idiots here, make no mistake about that. But it's not the players.

It's the officials.

Which means it's the NBA. This is David Stern's fault.

•  Magic's Howard has technical foul rescinded

And Stern knows it, the micromanaging little paper-pusher. Already he and his minions have overturned several technical fouls called this season, including a whopping three on Martin alone. Think about that. Officials have called Martin for five technical fouls -- awarding the other team, in playoff games, five extra free throws -- and three of those five technicals were rescinded later by the league office.

How about those five free points? Do those get rescinded, too?

For Martin, there is good news. Instead of playing with five technicals, which would put him two away from an automatic one-game suspension, he has "officially" been called for just two. So he's free to act the fool a few more times.

The league also has cut Kobe Bryant a break. He actually has been called for six technicals, but only five withstood the postgame review by Stern and Co. One of them was rescinded. That was in Game 6 against Houston in the second round, when an official watched Houston bully Ron Artest scat like a scared cat after coming into contact with Bryant. Somehow the official decided Bryant deserved a technical foul. Why?

Because the official's an idiot.

And I blame David Stern.

Clearly, NBA officials have been told in so many words to penalize passion. That's a mandate that comes straight from the top, from Stern, who wants his league to be a little less raw, a little more polished. A little bit more like the NFL, I guess. The NFL has gotten to the point where two players can barely look at each other in the end zone without getting penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct.

The NBA is heading down that path. Three times, Kenyon Martin has been called for a technical that was so ridiculous, Stern's people removed it after the fact. Bryant had one of his removed. Howard had his sixth technical expunged as well after Stern and his people studied what actually happened Tuesday night, as opposed to what the game official interpreted as happening.

Stern needs to hire some younger officials, people who don't seem so damn offended every time passion overflows, and then he needs to give them a directive: Don't allow the bullying and the badgering -- maybe pay attention when Cleveland's Mo Williams overhands a basketball off Dwight Howard's butt -- but for the love of God allow the players a second, maybe two, to experience some emotion during a big moment in a big game.

Otherwise, more and more people will pick up on the NBA's dirty little secret:

Where will amazing happen next? In David Stern's office. Where uptight officiating mistakes go to die.