This weekend it's time to celebrate the birth of America. Flags go aflutter, people sing, hot dogs are eaten, coleslaw is slung and Sean Hannity weeps for the children.
I'd like to celebrate the holiday by bringing to you a star-spangled Mike's Malicious Mail: The Soccer Edition.
It has been some time since Malicious made an appearance, but the massive e-mail response to a recent column about the latest American soccer disappointment -- combined with the tedious process of stocking the basement with canned goods, Michael Jackson CDs and porn mags -- has caused a delay.
But it's official. Soccer fans are nuts. Soccer fans have now eclipsed MMA fans as the most thin-skinned, whiny, anal, defensive, ridiculous and obnoxious of all fan bases.
Want to know why this is true? Read on.
Let freedom ring, baby!
"Ignorant analysis, clearly no knowledge of soccer," writes soccer Tom. "In fact I wonder if you even watched the game. People like you are the biggest obstacle soccer faces in achieving respectability in the US."
Actually, soccer is the biggest obstacle to soccer achieving respectability.
"I was born in Redneckville, Alabama," writes soccer Michael, "to a father who was all-state in three different sports. Baseball, basketball, football i grew up playing those same three sports. Ignorant of the beautiful game until the 1998 world cup in which i fell in love. Knowing even then that our National Team was full of mediocre players always seemed to be overachieving. I never did and still dont understand why idiotic sport fans like yourself take the stance on soccer like you do. Is it because we are not the best? Because you grew up without an athletic bone in your body? I have never, ever, ever even considered writing a worthless feedbackreview of anything written by worthless media types such as yourself until now. The piece on US Soccer that i have just read, you just wrote, has removed all curiosities from my mind. People like you are not worthy to enjoy such a wonderful Sport. ... PS. i wish i knew you so i could! give you the finger."
First, not sure how they do it in Redneckville, but feel free to capitalize the letter "I" and punctuate.
Second, it's the Fourth of July. Save the middle finger for the Christmas holidays.
Third, are you serious? Is there really a "Redneckville"?
"What the f--- is wrong with you?" writes soccer Bob. "You should get shot."
Probably will in Redneckville.
"I think you're an imbecile," writes soccer Manny, "you should stick with fat asses NFL players who can't run for 5 minutes straight... Please don't make silly commentary on the beautiful game... My 2 cents..."
Those "fat asses" NFL players are the best athletes in the world. But, admittedly, their asses are quite huge. Yeah, I looked once.
"You're unoriginal and a bore," writes soccer John. "Soccer has been played in this country since the 1600s. It was as popular based in the 1920s but the two competing leagues failed during the great depression and didn't come back until start of professional leagues after the 1966 World Cup. Several generations didn't grow up with soccer. Now they are. This is just one more step. We don't need unpatriotic idiots like you."
So if I don't like soccer I'm unpatriotic? Soccer is socialist.
"Hey, Mike, go f--- yourself," writes soccer Jon. "This was one of the best performances in a tournament by the USMNT... ever. Rome wasn't built in a day, you d---wad."
The Romans hated soccer too because they were real men. And I haven't heard the word d---wad since eighth grade. Excellent word choice.
"hey mike freeman," writes a guy who would only identify himself as monkeyman. "you are an ugly pathetic man who looks like an ape. please stick to writing about things you know something about that is if you actually know anything?. football or should i say SOCCER, is the most popular sport in the world and i am sorry your small brain doesn't understand it. go f--- yourself."
My small brain did learn how to construct a proper sentence and I don't look like an ape. I mostly resemble Denzel Washington.
(On crack.)
"I am usually a frequent reader of yours but on this subject you are in way over your head," writes soccer Brendan. "You have about as much business writing about this as I do writing about auto brain surgery."
Cars have brains? More important, do they have health insurance?
"Go kill yourself," wrote one extremely angry soccer fan named Josh. "how can you talk s--- about us soccer after this performance. i've had it up to here with hearing fa----- like you talk about the beautiful game. you want to talk about the disappointment from beckham's arrival and the 02 world cup? what is that even supposed to mean? everyone knew 02 was an aberration and the beckham arrival was simply a pr move for MLS which has progressed quite a bit in the past few years, not that an ignorant writer like you would know that. seriously, name me ten players in the mls off the top of your head and i'll be impressed. The fact that CBS even gives a clown like you the chance to write about soccer shows what is wrong with the game. Your disgrace of an article fails to address the real problems with soccer in this nation such as player development, mangerial ability, and leadership from the USSF. i am sick and tired of jackasses like you getting to write about soccer. it's obvious you know nothing about the! game and don't understand that there has clearly been progress in this tournament. if you can't see that then just go away, you won't be missed.if you think you are a legitimate journalist then you are mistaken as well. as this column shows an obvious lack of knowledge, research, and foresight regarding U.S. Soccer.go away and get a job at mcdonalds, please! you piece of s---... and if you'd like to know a thing or two about being a journalist or the game of soccer let me know!"
Josh is the kind of guy who sets the houses of the game officials on fire if a call goes against his team.
"Why even write this article on U.S. soccer?" says soccer Eric. "Its obvious your mind had been made up since day one. Most people who truly love the game don't give a s--- if you appreciate it or love it. Your loss. But don't write these self indulgent bias articles to try sway someone who doesn't know any better. The problem with people like you and Jim Rome and the others is that you can't let it succeed because than you'd be eating your box of crow for breakfast. P.s. You need to change your picture. You look super constipated in that photo. Kind of an ongoing theme in your writings."
Good point. I've have been very irregular lately.
"You are a f------ moron," writes soccer Ron. "I do not know how CBS gave a dips--- like yourself a job. Why don't you stick with the hood games and not comment about soccer? You are a disgrace, a disgusting ignorant, brain washed moron who shouldn't watch sports period, rather, you should be washing dishes at a local hotel."
What exactly are "hood games"? Like chess?
"They pay you for this crap?" writes soccer Joe. "You go on the list of know-nothing, self-aggrandizing writers. Mike Freeman: here-on synonymous with douche bag."
That list could wrap around the Earth, but I like being at the head of it.
"Stick to the sports you know and do some research before expecting the US to beat the 5-time world cup champions," writes soccer Allan. "Typical American assh--- journalist."
Another really long list.
"Hey Mike, us soccer fans really don't CARE what a second class sports journalist like you think about our sport," writes soccer Bob. "Write about something you know about, like PBA bowling....."
Always interesting how a foof says he hates you and doesn't care about you but them takes the time to write you. Plus, bowlers get all the women.
"I just read your book 100 biggest sports jerks and I must say it was one of my favorite books I have read," writes Omar. "I really hope there is a sequel. Keep doing what your doing man."
Nothing to do with soccer. Just shameless self-promotion.
"I know that for inner city affirmative action writers such as yourself," writes a reader who identifies himself as Rev. Wright. "soccer is unknown to you, so you bash it. Fat Manny Ramirez, Fat Shaq, Fat Tractor Trailor, Pudgy Rodgiguez, Fat John Kruk ... have you ever noticed there are no FAT soccer players---that's because the sport is too physically demanding. In soccer, you actually run, so by definition, you won't be fat. Have you ever noticed how few 6'6 tall players there are running around on the soccer field? Yeah, that's because while a guy that tall can look like an athlete on a tiny basketball court, but a guy that tall just isn't quick enough or mobile enough to excel on the soccer field. It's funny how when it comes to politics, you think America should be like Europe !in other words, a p----, pacifist, welfare-state Ironically, when it comes to sports, you bash the rest of the world for embracing soccer."
As an inner-city affirmative action hire, I did learn how to capitalize properly and put spaces between the ends of sentences.
I also grew up in the suburbs, thankfully far away from trogs like you.
And did you just really pull the Tractor Traylor card?
Finally, from Bruce: "I'll give you credit for having a motor, but as a humourist you're a bit of a project."
I'll keep working at it Bruce. Be patient.
