Hate Mail: Mom, is that you?
Updated July 16
I go away for a week of vacation, and nothing changes. Hate Mail remains a window to the soul.
This week, in our effort to get to the bottom of the wonder that is me, we discuss my blatant teenage heterosexuality. And my latent adult homosexuality. And that horny talking oven from Quizno's. Plus we unmask Hoosier Stalker, who turns out to be ... well, you'll have to see for yourself. But what a plot twist that is.
From: Rob Murphy
Do you really have Neil Diamond on your iPod, Gregg? That bit of news was surprisingly candid. I'm not mocking, I have Manilow on mine. Tramps like us, Gregg.
I do have some Manilow. Could It Be Magic. The last two minutes are the best two minutes in music history. Plus I'm lame.
From: Dave
Wow, two of the biggest beatdown articles I've ever read -- on the Home Run Derby and on Lance Armstrong -- both in the same day by the same guy. The shock value of your work is hard to read, and I'll just need to look at your name in the future to save myself some time. Best of luck finding longevity with work like this.
You think you're hurting me, Dave. I know it. But the truth is, your first sentence was so good that I'll be printing up your note and plastering it to my ceiling. And as an added bonus I gain cool points by losing a dork reader like yourself? Damn I'm good.
From: C. Shovein
Are you serious? Maybe if you ever visited Minnesota you wouldn't go out of your way to bash it. "Oh it's so cold" ... cry me a fricking river.
What's it like to go through life with the last name Shovein? Do you get offended by that Quizno's commercial with the talking oven and the 12-inch, um, sub?
From: Greg
Whew. Your response to CT Hoosier in the last Hate Mail implied a welcome departure from, say, some of your -- um ... is homoerotic too strong a word? -- responses to Thomas Burns. Moving on, is saying that I'm glad we're on the same page, re: Lauren Shehadi, too Limbaugh-like for you? If so, get the f--- over it.
Homoerotic? Me? These next two responses are just for you, you big fat meanie.
From: Larry
Triple-G -- being a young man, you may not have the greatest recall of the classic sitcom The Beverly Hillbillies. Donna Douglas played Elly May Clampett. Not Emmy Lou, as you mocked that woman in the last Hate Mail. (Emmy Lou's letter.)
Oh, I knew that. I was 13 when I started watching Elly May on TV. Believe me, I have her body name seared into my brain.
From: Rick
We have got to work on your geography skills. Ohio, in the Midwest? (Brent's letter) Tell me what part of Ohio is "Mid" or "West." Or are you under the opinion that everything between NY and LA is Midwest?
You have a point, but here in Ohio, we consider ourselves a Midwestern state. Look, the Florida peninsula isn't considered part of the Deep South with Georgia, for example, even though it is south of -- as in, directly below -- Georgia. I don't make the rules. But if I did, ice cream would be a food group. And Elly May would have been my babysitter.
From: Kenny E.
Too many long mails in Hate Mail. It should be a short "You SUCK" or a short "I love you and wanna have your babies." This intellectual banter is ruining the rather neanderthalistic "Yeaaah, I just invented a word" nature that Hate Mail is supposed to produce.
You really make me infuriangry.
From: Frank D
Your article on NFL violence was simply the best one I've read this year anywhere on any subject. At times you are confrontational, but underneath, you really are a terrific writer and always interesting.
Sorry. Fail. Another long e-mail. Kenny E. won't like it, so I can't post this one ... wait. What did you say?
From: mike
Are you high? This thing on NFL violence is one of the worst sports articles I have ever read! Where do you get your info? Maybe you should cover NASCAR -- seems a bit simpler. Anyway, I hope the buzz lasts for a while longer. Oh and Micky D's has a new burger out today -- review it for me, will ya?
How is it possible that you were you reading the same article as (my man) Frank D? Anyway, I don't do McDonald's, unless it's a McGriddle. But that, I do -- four times a week.
From: Chad
American have a right to work ... unless the work involves millions of dollars and national television? Playing a sport is a right if someone is willing to sign you -- just like any other workplace in America. You are only differentiating based on the income being made. Usually your articles are great, but this article is borderline retarded, lacking any depth whatsoever. Please don't be another sportswriter douchebag who knows nothing but how to talk big.
So that's three votes on my NFL violence story. One calls me "terrific." One says it was "the worst." And you call me a douchebag. Those are the three votes. I demand a recount.
From: Russ O'Risky
Sometimes I read your articles for no other reason than to assure I know what people are referring to in their hate mails to you. How do you feel about that?
I feel there's a thin line between love and hate, and you're straddling that sucker.
From: Rob Fargher
Excellent point.
From: CT Hoosier
Happy Fourth of July; get yourself a passport.
My mom said the same thing! Holy cow. The light bulb just turned on. "CT Hoosier" isn't a pseudonym for my mom, is it?
From: Brandon
Are you trying to look like a tough guy in your online pic??? What's up with that? You are a sportswriter, dude, not Chuck Liddell.
In my last picture, with glasses and a bowling shirt, I was correctly mocked every week for being a wuss. Now I'm being mocked for looking like Chuck Liddell. And you think you're hurting my feelings?
From: Jeffrey K., July 6
I really enjoyed you on that Seinfeld episode the other night. Wearing the same clothes two days in a row with a lunch stain mind you is unacceptable. Also, you look like less of a meanie with your glasses.
I'd rather be called "mean" than "wuss." The new picture stays.
From: Jeffrey K., 12 minutes later
OMFG I just noticed you're on vacation this week. Does that mean no Hate Mail?
You'll live.
P.S. Um ... you did live, right?
From: CT Hoosier
Thanks for the head's up that you'll be on vacation. I'll be much more productive this week.
I suppose you'll live, too. Mom.
From: Thomas Burns
Just read a (name withheld by Mr. Gregg Doyel himself) column for the first time. Do you ever call your boss and complain that you can't tolerate having your work on the same site as his? He sucks. Beyond my comprehension why he has a job as a writer.
I removed my colleague's name to protect the innocent. Also, it casts aspersions on everyone else here. Whose name was redacted? Freeman? Elling? Miller? I'm not saying. Besides, you could have said that about any of the knuckleheads here.
From: Burton DeWitt
"Big City Man, winner of the 2009 Dubai Golden Shaheen G1, died this week following a workout at Hollywood Park in California, reported his former assistant trainer, Stephane Chevalier, via Facebook." -- I guess Twitter wasn't available for this breaking news event?
Twitter is sponsored by Elmer's Glue. Conflict of interest there.
From: Luis
Your comments in your column about the Tour de France and then again today on Mad Dog Radio were ridiculous. Get on a bike this weekend and ride 30 mph and then tell me how easy that is. Everyone rides a bike, but not everyone can ride on the tour. Everyone plays Little League but not everyone plays in the majors. Everyone learns how to write, but not everyone can have their own column. Stick to writing about what you do know.
I know this: Millions of people want to play in the big leagues, and they play baseball until finding out they're simply not that good. Who dreams of riding in the Tour? Hundreds of people. That's all. And they all make it there. Why? Because somebody has to make it there.
From: CT Hoosier
I no longer miss you on the college basketball beat. Gary Parrish works harder and has a more friendly disposition.
Albert Belle has a more friendly disposition. Nobody works harder.
From: Angela
"Let's not ... and say we did"?!? That's a HORRIBLE comeback! (Joe's letter.) You should've just replied with, "That's what SHE said!"
That seems sexist to me. Why can't it be, "That's what HE said"? And why do athletes on camera always say, "Hi Mom"? Somewhere, a dad weeps. It's not easy being a man in this world.
From: Victor Teran
Heard you on the Steve Czaban show this morning and was totally entertained by your take and want more. Czaban is a right-wing psycho, but I love his show.
He's right-wing? He is??!?! Then I, in good conscience, will stop doing his show. The second he stops paying me to be a guest.
