You're out there. I just know it. You're reading this right now, aren't you, you stupid little boy?
And you are a little boy. I don't care how old you are -- you're not a man. Not if you're one of the thousands, probably hundreds of thousands, maybe millions, of American males slobbering over the Internet for images of ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews.
You're not a man.
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| First, it's not gonna happen. Second, get a life. (US Presswire) |
Maybe I'd rather not survive.
You're why men have become such an easy target. You know that? You're the reason TV shows like The Simpsons and Family Guy and Married ... with Children make a mockery of the American male. In commercials, the husband or father is almost always the comic relief. He's the slow-moving guy who misses out on the last Eggo waffle. Or the dimwit incapable of purchasing a CD on the Internet. Or the horny moron who walks into a plate-glass window when a pretty woman saunters past.
That's him.
Because you're ... you.
And there's a whole lot of you out there. I could pretend you don't know the latest Erin Andrews story, and dutifully lay out the background right now. But that would be ridiculous. Of course you know the latest Erin Andrews story. You're part of the story. Hell, you are the story.
Yes, you.
You're probably not the actual guy who drilled a hole into the wall of her hotel room and filmed her and then put it on the Internet. But chances are, you're among the hundreds of thousands of guys who have searched the Internet for that video. Which means you're among the millions of American males who set this sick scenario into motion by congregating online at the altar of Erin Andrews Imagery. Objectification is yours!
And you're this country's next wave of husbands and fathers. Terrific.
Honestly, I don't know why I'm even bothering. You don't, and you won't, see your problem. Addicts or idiots -- and you are very possibly both -- never do. You think it's fine to scour the Internet for pictures of Erin Andrews and then find the nearest message board and type, "I'd hit it." As if you'd have a chance at Erin Andrews. Or any attractive woman. See, the general rule of thumb is this: If you've ever uttered the words I'd hit it ... then you really wouldn't. Because you couldn't. Because you're a loser. Ask the woman who works in the cubicle next to you. (First, take your eyes off her breasts.)
You're the guy who goes to strip clubs and shoves $1 bills into a stranger's g-string while she dances in your lap, and you're stupid enough to think you've scored. Your capacity for self-delusion is exceeded only by your incapacity to attract an actual (free) woman. So you go to strip clubs or hire a prostitute or, if you're cheap, you congregate on the Internet and study YouTube videos of Erin Andrews. Look, loser -- there's her butt!
But when something like this happens ... when there's a report of an actual video of Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room ...
Meltdown.
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| outlaw_scumfuc: Doyel writes whatever he can to get a rise out of people. So now he's a feminist? Now he wants to generalize who I am? I haven't searched for this Erin Andrews video, mostly because I just don't care, but I'm not about to chastise people for doing what they do as though I'm some sort of moral authority. He's a sportswriter (and a lousy one at that) masquerading as the public defender of female sexuality. I know a lot of dancers who are quite happy doing what they do and if he wants to call it objectification so be it, but I respect them on a far different level. |
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| GreggDoyel: Look, Outlaw, I never ripped dancers. I ripped the men who would basically pay a dancer to come close to him. How humiliating. The only way a sexy woman will get near you is if you PAY her? Sad. And your reading comprehension sucks, too. I'm not a feminist. I didn't defend poor Erin Andrews -- I ripped the idiot men who slobber over her, or over any woman, on the Internet. Have some pride, people. Honestly. |
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The Internet goes nuts. According to Google Trends, which tracks web searches, the Erin Andrews hotel video was the single most-searched item on the Internet this weekend. The search peaked Monday morning at about 9:20 a.m. ET, which means guys along the East Coast reported to work and got down to serious business -- looking for this damn video.
Guess what was No. 2 on the Google Trends list? A search for someone called "Aaron Andrews." I'm not making that up. And just missing the top 10 was the search for "Erin Anderson." I'm not making that up, either. So not only is the typical American male horny and hopeless -- he's stupid.
But he's real. And apparently, since I'm an American male myself, he's ... me.
Now you see why I'm so angry? Because you make me look bad. It's not like I know Erin Andrews, because I don't. And it's not like I'm hoping she'll read this column, because she probably would prefer this whole thing to go away. The less said about it, the less focus on it, the better. That's probably her position, so my story is just one more log on the fire.
The maker of the video is trying to sell it, according to TMZ.com. On the message board below TMZ.com's story about its refusal to purchase the video, a typical American male whose screen name is "schlepptomaniac" wrote the following:
Saw the video...I'd piihb.
"Piihb" is shorthand I've never seen before, but I can guess what it means. ("Put it in ...") When did the typical American male becomes such a sick freaking dumbass?
Meanwhile, this whole video thing has created a cottage industry unto itself. There's the video sales aspect, and the overheating search engines. And there's this: Makers of Internet viruses are capitalizing on the typical American male's desperate lust by attaching a computer virus to various "Erin Andrews video" search results.
Ironic, no?
You wanted to see Erin Andrews naked. Instead you caught a disease.
I hope it rots and falls off.
Your hard drive, I mean.
