Hate Mail: Let's go crazy, let's get nuts

Updated Aug. 27

The crazies came out of the woodwork this week, and I realize the bar for that sort of statement is pretty high. The crazies come out of the woodwork every week around here, which is why I don't call it Rational Mail.

But I wrote about Tim Tebow a few days ago, and I failed to anoint him the best football player of all time. I didn't even give him credit for introducing Adam to Eve.

And that drove the crazies crazy. Here they come. Have a vomit bag handy.

From: R. Grode

Charlie Ward over Tim Tebow?!? Gregg, as a Gator you should know that you don't just listen to Tim Tebow -- you hear Tim Tebow. After this year you might.

Damn that was deep. Tell me something -- if Tim Tebow were to fall in a forest, and nobody was around, would it make a sound? After all, you don't just listen to Tim Tebow ... you hear him.

From: Rita

You're omitting a huge component of the "Greatest Player" argument: the intangibles. Tebow has set a standard for other student-athletes to aim for. He makes his teammates perform better. He sets great examples for youth. He inspires people and he wins. His charity, his desire to better those around him, will live forever.

And when Tebow turned that water into wine, well, it was a miracle.

From: Joey Davidson

How was Charlie Ward off the field? Part of Tim Tebow's allure is what he does away from football.

Ward was student-government vice president as a senior. And he became a surrogate big brother to teammate Warrick Dunn after Dunn's mom was murdered. But if you're asking me if Charlie Ward circumcised boys in third-world countries, like Tim Tebow has done, the answer is no. Ward did not.

From: Cliff Randall

In college it is said that you are judged to be the best from off-field actions as well as on the field. Tebow has done way more than Ward, and if anyone followed Ward, it would have led to the NBA bench. Tebow will probably win another national title, then move to the NFL with a rich contract.

Such a short e-mail, yet so many holes. First, Ward did as much off the field -- minus a circumcision here or there -- as Tebow. Second, Ward had a better NBA career than the NFL career Tebow will "enjoy." Third, and most important, never write me an e-mail with the words "it is said." Unless I'm the one who said it, I don't give a damn.

From: Bruce Cameron

So one well-coached interview is enough to make you love Michael Vick? Why have a legal system at all? Just go on 60 Minutes and all is forgiven. I'm just curious, Gregg -- if Vick had killed your family, would an interview be enough for you to forgive him?

So long as he shed a tear as he apologized, yes -- if Vick killed my family, an interview would be enough for me to forgive him. Excellent argument, Bruce. You really twisted me into a pretzel with all that logic of yours.

From: CT Hoosier

I couldn't make it to Indianapolis on such short notice, but thanks for the indirect invitation. You should share your travel plans more often.

I fear you would have fit in there, stalker. For his 14th birthday, my son and I went to a gaming convention -- GenCon -- and it was dork central. I was hoping it would center on video games, but it was mainly role-playing games with lots of 20-sided dice. My son and I spent a fortune for two all-access weekend tickets, gawked at freaks for an hour, and then he looked at me and said, "Nerds." So we left and went to the movies. I love that kid.

From: Rich Brandeis

Hiroki Kuroda was hit by a batted ball. His injury is totally irrelevant to an article about eliminating bean balls. The logic you used to get to your conclusion was really lame.

My point was that the Kuroda incident, on the same night as the David Wright beaning, showed again that a baseball is freaking dangerous, and should be treated as such. I suppose I didn't spell out that connection for my slower readers, Rich, and for that I apologize.

From: Brian

Article misinformation: Bengie Molina was the next batter after Sandoval in the SAME inning, not the next inning.

Well, crap. I got the information from the AP game story. What's the use of stealing information from other sources if the information is wrong?

From: Jimmy

Just a thought: Who is the bigger idiot, Michael Vick or Plaxico Burress?

Neither. The bigger idiot is that AP writer I plagiarized borrowed that Molina stuff from.

From: Rina

You are so wrong on the article about the Raiders coach who hit his assistant. Everyone involved in the NFL -- players, coaches, officials, etc. -- should be held to the same standards. If Steve Smith was suspended a game for hitting a player at practice, then the coach should lose a game for hitting another coach. Period.

Be honest, Rina. You didn't really read my story, did you? I never said Cable shouldn't be punished. I said he should be punished by his team, just like Smith was punished by HIS team. The Panthers chose what to do to Steve Smith. The Raiders should decide what to do with Cable. And the NFL should butt out. Next time you read one of my articles ... try reading it.

From: Anthony B.

Whether you like the Raiders or not, I don't really care. But to call out a legendary owner and be disrespectful is BS. It wasn't even about football either. You're talking about his age and a serious medical condition called dementia. REAL CLASSY.

I never said Davis suffered from dementia. You did. REAL CLASSY.

From: Chris D.

Gregg I hate all of your columns and I am not sure why CBS employs you.

Two reasons. One, I generate e-mails like yours. Every e-mail I get pushes me closer to lifetime tenure. So, thank you. And, second, CBS employs me because I have a knack for looking up readers and ridiculing them ... say, for being 5-feet-6, 135 pounds and still registering for an online recruiting website to make it as a soccer player. Come on, Chris. Did you really think you'd get a college soccer scholarship at 5-6, 135? Women's soccer, maybe.

From: Chris H.

Dammit! I forgot to e-mail you last week and then had to suffer through a hate mail that saw John, Barb and some guy with the last name Spaw get multiple chances to spew forth their garbage.

Spaw and spew in the same sentence ... was that intentional? Very nicely done. A douchebag would say, "nicely played," but I'm not a douchebag. A douchebag also would sign off on his correspondence with the word "cheers!"

From: Chris

Take that bald head of yours that looks like a penis out of your (deleted) and look at the numbers. Tebow is a way better all-around player than Ward was or ever will be. And I hope you use a condom for that head of yours because spreading the (deleted) you call journalism all over the Internet is like spreading herpes to your boyfriend. Cheers!

I'm so glad you wrote, Chris. I hate it when the irrational fans write me -- I can't take those guys seriously. But you? You're the voice of reason.

From: Joe C.

Your hate mail staggers the mind. No other blogger -- none that I am aware of -- has to sift through thousands of e-mails that say you suck, you're wrong, and you should never have children. How you do this without coming down with some serious mental condition is absolutely beyond my comprehension.

Your final sentence makes an assumption the size of Alaska.

From: Joe Martin

Usually I send feedback to Pete Prisco because he badly misses the boat, but I think you hit this one on the head. Before I read your article, I voted Tebow to be the better player. But your last point about the Heisman voting was very strong, convincing me that Ward probably was the greater player. I'm now going to entertain myself with some Charlie Ward highlights to reinforce my recent change of heart.

Wow, Joe. I love it that we agree ... that Prisco's a knucklehead.

From: Russell Shaddock

I'll tell you something, CBS. I once wrote in that Pete Prisco is the biggest idiot and is absolutely bereft of any sense of football knowledge or intuition. Well, congrats to Gregg Doyel. He beat Prisco hands down.

Another guy who says I beat Prisco! Man, I'm a roll. Hey ... hold on there. What did you say?

From: Jon Wilson

Check out Matt Leinart's stats. Heisman -- check. More completions than Ward or Tebow had attempts -- check. Team's win-loss record -- check. The fact Leinart is not in the discussion is absurd.

Matt Leinart, an all-time great college player? Hahahahaha ... oh, wait. You're serious? Hahahahahaha. Now that IS funny.

From: Jeff

Charlie Ward? The best? Don't think so. The best COLLEGE football quarterback of this era is Tommie Frazier -- hands down.

Look, guys. Leinart couldn't run and Frazier couldn't pass. Neither player belongs in the conversation. Don't be such homers for your favorite teams that you can't see that.

From: Roger

Tommie Frazier didn't have the stats, but was better than both of them.

Good Lord. Isn't it enough that Tommie Frazier -- and Matt Leinart, and even Gino Torretta and Shane Matthews and Chuck Fusina -- were good quarterbacks? No need to try jamming them into a place they don't belong. Monday Night Football tries that every year with someone like Theismann or Kornheiser or Miller. Never works.

From: Doug Whittle

Isn't there anything else to write about? Does the Ward vs. Tebow question make any difference at all, to anybody? I doubt it. Did Ward play against equally speedy defenses as Tebow does? I doubt it. Does Tebow juke like Ward did? No. Who freakin' cares?!

You're right, Doug. What kind of person would care enough about that topic to read the entire column, expend more effort to find MY e-mail address, and then send me an eight-sentence e-mail about it? That person doesn't exist! (Count your sentences, Doug. And I saw your picture at that college in Wisconsin. Shave the mustache. You look like a trout.)

From: Dave

I tried to read your whole article, but after reading a certain amount of sheer stupidity I had to move on. You think as clearly as a 90-year-old coach who does nothing to help his 'Noles and rides around in a golf cart. Bobby Bowden set out his goals: First, outlive Paterno this year even if it ruins his team. Second, find a reporter who will suck up to him. He's halfway there.

I tried to read your whole e-mail, but after reading a certain amount of sheer stupidity I had to move on. Next you'll try to tell me I'm a Bowden suck-up or something, even though I've hammered him so hard for about three years that I've been accused of ageism. Which is not fair. I don't hate old people. I hate stupid people. Which means I hate you, Dave.