Hate Mail: Give me the keys
Updated Sept. 10
Acting juvenile can be fun, but there's a time and a place for it. And this week is not the time, and this column is not the place, for acting juvenile. That's why the very first letter of Hate Mail addresses the very serious issue of drinking and driving.
After that, we transition nicely and even maturely into bodily functions.
From: Jake
Billy Gillispie's situation is sad, but you make him out to be a pathetic loser. His history with drinking IS problematic, but let's be honest: He hasn't hurt anyone but himself. He is hardly the dangerous alcoholic you make him out to be.
Three DUI-related arrests since 1999 and you think "he's hardly the dangerous alcoholic"? Let's put you and Gillispie in different cars on the same dark country road next Friday night at, say, midnight. How safe would you feel?
From: T.L.
I don't even read your articles anymore. I get all the pleasure I need from your hate mail responses.
Please, for the love of God, tell me "I get all the pleasure I need" is not a euphemism for, um, something gross and sticky.
From: Trent
I read hate mail today. I think it's hilarious that people read all your articles and then tell you that CBS should fire you. Wouldn't the best way to accomplish that goal be to NOT read your articles? I love your articles. And I love you too.
Have you ever been listening to music, and nodding your head to the beat, and then had the music shut off unexpectedly? That's what it felt like to read your note. I'm nodding, nodding, grooving, just about to break out the electric slide, and then I get to your last sentence. And my power went off. And that was not a euphemism for ANYTHING.
From: Kenny E.
Never seen an article of yours get so much ... love? Your NFL blackout article was disgusting. People agreeing with each other, supporting it, not hating you. Disgusting.
I myself think that whole "sticky euphemism" stuff was worse.
From: Jeff Walter
I agree with you on lifting the blackout policy.
Kenny E's not going to like your note.
From: Brian K.
Great write-up suggesting that the NFL give the blackout policy a timeout. Living in Los Angeles and traveling to San Diego to see games in these tough economic times ... I couldn't agree with you more.
And he's really not going to like yours.
From:Cesar B.
F--- you and your (deleted).
But he'll enjoy yours.
From: Chris H.
Bravo on your OSU-Georgia piece. I really am starting to like you. Your rugged good looks, your rippling muscles, your sharp wit. I am starting to actually believe you CAN polish a turd!
Would it have killed you to finish this e-mail one sentence earlier?
From: Jimmy
I have decided that you need a nickname. A few ideas. The One of Three G's. The Wordsmith of Wisdom. The Sayer of That Which is Truth. The Lord of Loathe Correspondence. The Sledgehammer-Wielding Smasher of All Intellect. The King of the Keyboard of Death. He Who Formerly Challenged Readers to Fight and Still Would If It Were Allowed.
Back in the day some people at the Miami Herald called me "Double G," and I liked that. I'm a weekly guest on the Steve Czaban radio show and he introduces me as "The Chainsaw," and I like that. But I'm kind of partial to He Who Formerly Challenged Readers to Fight and Still Would If It Were Allowed.
From: Harrison
You're the biggest douchenozzle I've ever had the un-pleasure of reading.
If It Were Allowed, I'd strongly consider Challenging You To Fight right here and now.
From: Stickney
I agree the NFL should get rid of blackouts. You are not misunderstood, as you suggested in last week's Hate Mail. Your articles are just misread. I misremember what you wrote all the time. My mistake. I will take care to reread your articles Mr. Doyle.
Could you possibly remember, and then re-remember, HOW TO SPELL MY $#*+! NAME?
From: Mark
I guess you are Mr. Misunderstood. We used to be certain you were gay, but now you have a manly look. The world just doesn't make sense anymore.
Um, in your second sentence ... who is "we"?
From: John
What's this? Hate Mail without CT Hoosier? This is sorta like poop without stink.
Wait. Is Hate Mail the poop and CT Hoosier the stink? Or vice versa? Did you just call Hate Mail a big pile of s---?
From: CT Hoosier
You are hated by so many readers that you call your weekly mailbag "Hate Mail" and you still don't have $1,000 to throw around from now until December? Either you are doing your best Sprewell impression, or you are grossly underpaid.
Here he is, everyone. Here's CT Hoosier, back where he belongs, in Hate Mail. Now kindly get off my back. And as for you, CT Hoosier, you're right. I am GROSSLY underpaid.
From: Dave
After reading your Hate Mail comment on N.C. State and then watching that N.C. State football game against South Carolina, you are right: N.C. State football doesn't matter.
And you should see the N.C. State basketball team. Talk about irrelevant.
From: Jeffery Tinker
The more I read of your article, the more I realize you have no grasp on reality. What you fail to realize is that Brett Favre is still head and shoulders above Tarvaris Jackson. Sure Favre had a terrible finish to last season, but he was injured. Jackson is better? Get a grip.
If you're going to read more and more of my article, try understanding what I wrote. Never once did I write that Jackson is better. What I wrote is that MY HOPE is for Jackson to beat him out. Why? Because I like T-Jack. And I dislike Favre. Don't feel bad, Jeffery -- lots of Vikings fans are just as illiterate as you are.
From: Rich
Are you retarded? Obviously you are, if you think Jackson is better than Favre!
See what I mean, Jeffery? You're not the only idiot in purple.
From: Russell Stewman
I agree with you a good bit of the time, but not on this one. Georgia will likely NOT finish in the top 20, and Oklahoma State had better not hang their hats on this win. OSU will look back on this as the first look at how inefficient, and even deficient, their team really is.
You could be right. Scariest column to write in football season is the one after that first game. There's no frame of reference. If Georgia goes 4-8, then obviously Oklahoma State didn't prove a whole lot. But what if Georgia goes 10-2? It's not easy being me, is my point.
From: Chris
Did Dennis Dodd lose a bet to you? He had a link to one of your articles in one of his. It was almost like he was paying you a compliment.
Not everyone on our writing staff resents my talent.
From: Mike Duncan
Do I detect a jealousy thing on Oklahoma State finally getting facilities? I guess your alma mater has no donors and plays football in a trailer park? Give it up and give Mr. Pickens his due.
You read that story and you detected ... jealousy? As a detective you're defective, Mike. Either that or you're stupid. Possibly the latter. You probably couldn't have gotten into my alma mater. But I bet they'd have taken you at Florida State.
From: Chris H.
Holy s---ballz! The article on Pickens is without a doubt the greatest piece of work you have ever done. I may love you but reserve the right to tell you that you suck because you always let me down in the end.
I'm a tease like that. I show some leg and then BOOM! The leg is attached to army boots. I'm where fantasy goes to die. Or something. That was almost deep.
