Conservative estimate: Limbaugh as NFL owner would be uncomfortable

Rush Limbaugh might one day own the St. Louis Rams.

Hell, sometimes these column thingies write themselves.

The only thing that could make this news even more fantastic is if in his first two acts as owner, Limbaugh traded for Donovan McNabb and made Jesse Jackson the head coach.

Followed by Ann Coulter's hiring as general manager.

Does this idea even make sense to Rush Limbaugh himself? (Getty Images)

My head exploded after hearing this Limbaugh news.

Limbaugh is going to change the name of the team from the Rams to the Nappy-Headed Hos.

(Of course I know Don Imus said that, but it still fits.)

And somebody lock up the Rams' painkillers, stat.

When the Rams go 1-15, Limbaugh will blame it on the liberal media.

Or ACORN.

"Look, let me put it to you this way," Limbaugh once said on his radio show. "The NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons. There, I said it."

When I see McNabb and Tom Brady, the first thought that comes to mind: gangs.

Sure.

"I mean, let's face it, we didn't have slavery in this country for over 100 years because it was a bad thing," Limbaugh said on his radio show. "Quite the opposite: Slavery built the South. I'm not saying we should bring it back; I'm just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark."

Slavery had its merits, like the no-huddle.

"I think the media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well," Limbaugh said on ESPN in 2003.

Brett Favre is black?

How exactly will Limbaugh address the team after the purchase?

"I just want to introduce myself and say my door will always be open. That is, unless, you're a black quarterback. If you are, please leave the room now."

•  Limbaugh-Checketts group wants to buy Rams

Would NFL owners really allow Rush Limbaugh to own a team? Really, really?

It is serious and it could happen, according to several NFL sources, because of one of Limbaugh's potential partners, Dave Checketts. The latter's tenure as president of the New York Knicks and then Madison Square Garden was definitely mixed. Nevertheless, his name adds credibility to a bid that would otherwise be seen as some sort of sick joke. Checketts is currently the owner of the NHL's St. Louis Blues.

Let's be clear: It's unknown if the Limbaugh-Checketts group truly has the cash or the muscle to buy the Rams, valued by Forbes at $913 million, but there are people in the sport who are taking this bid talk seriously.

Media types like me would love for Limbaugh to own an NFL team because it would provide an unending source of material.

Limbaugh is a pungent bowl of stark-raving bigoted lunacy. He would be a dream to cover. It would be better than making love to Halle Berry.

But for the NFL, Limbaugh as an owner would be as comfortable as a colonoscopy with a periscope. It would be one of the great nightmares for the sport.

The league has made significant strides in putting its horrid racial past behind it. The NFL isn't perfect on the issues of ethnicity, but it tries.

Allowing Limbaugh, who plays the song parody Barack the Magic Negro on his radio show, a seat at the owner's table would instantly undermine everything the NFL has worked decades to accomplish.

And again, this whole thing is very possible.

Limbaugh is a huge sports fan and football follower, which is why ESPN hired him in the first place before he torched the place one day.

I'm still wrapping my head around the words "Limbaugh" and "NFL owner," which is like saying the words "Freeman" and "Denzel Washington" in the same sentence.

"Have you ever noticed," Limbaugh once said on his radio show, "how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?"

Yeah, this could be interesting.