UFL should stand for Unseen Football League

The United Football League had its debut on Thursday night and in its infinite brilliance went against college football and the baseball playoffs. In other words, someone threw the UFL a shovel and told it to start digging its own grave.

Let's assume the UFL actually wants people to watch its games. I tried. I tried very hard to watch but couldn't find the league on TV and instead ended up watching The Joy Behar Show and trying to understand what the hell Arianna Huffington was saying.

If Shane Boyd's Redwoods fall and Freeman can't see or hear them, do they make a noise? (US Presswire)

I looked and looked and looked for the UFL. Supposedly, it's on the Versus network. I've yet to find this mythical Versus. It'd be easier to find Madonna's virginity than locate Versus.

In order of obscurity, Versus finishes just behind Carrot Top and just ahead of the Mongolian sand beetle. Versus is the tar pit of networks. Its motto should be "Versus ... where sports leagues go to die."

Three Diet Cherry Pepsi drinks and an Arianna Huffington translation matrix later, I was still in hot pursuit of an actual UFL game. I ended at the league's website. Initially I went to UFL.com and discovered it was the site of the Florida Gators. Damn Gators. They rule the world.

Finally, the actual UFL website was found, and looks like it was designed in 1995. It's so cheesy it makes those Valtrex commercials look like Law and Order.

It offered a link that stated "click here and go live to a game." But you had to download something first. No way was that happening. All I needed was that new rhinoceros gay porno virus to infect my machine. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

So I was stuck. No UFL games. No California Redwoods against the Las Vegas Locomotives. Nothing.

This was the opening weekend of the league and it was invisible.

The UFL stands for the Unseen Football League.

As a football addict, I want the UFL to succeed, but it won't break through a crowded fall sports universe if it makes the games difficult to find on television.

It's one thing for a league to try and compete with the NFL. It's another for a league to give up even before it begins.

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The sports graveyard is littered with past NFL competitors and each of them had a great deal more money and P.R. than the UFL. There was the World Football League, the United States Football League, the World League of American Football and the XFL (remember that abomination?). Not to mention that Canadian football has tried on several occasions to get a foothold in America.

All those leagues are taking dirt naps. The CFL has failed to make serious inroads here as well.

This is what the UFL is up against and its opening foray is putting the sport on an invisible channel and utilizing a crappy website?

Everything about the UFL says cheese just at time when it should be presenting a more, well, professional side.

The UFL has gambled that America's football appetite is endless. Indeed, television ratings for the NFL are at their highest in two decades.

That doesn't mean sports fans will just accept any football, especially hidden football.

The UFL on its website says the league's mission statement is "to fulfill the unmet needs of football fans in major markets currently underserved by professional football by providing a high quality traditional football league comprised of world class professional football players. The UFL will serve the communities with pride, dedication and passion, and uphold a leadership role in the development of football worldwide. The UFL will provide every fan with an affordable, accessible, exciting and entertaining game experience."

Um, accessible?

Can someone please tell me where Versus is?