Hate Mail: He who posts most makes threads dreaded
Updated Nov. 12
I love message boards. I read them. Post on them. Study them like the fascinating little bug colonies they are. But message boards have a danger, and that danger is brainless groupthink.
You know what I mean. One guy says something, the next guy mindlessly agrees with it, and so on. Soon you have a whole lot of lemmings rushing to the cliff.
Here come three lemmings now. And remember -- as they fall off the cliff, they're not booing. They're cheering Hate Mailllllllllllllll!
From: Matt
Must have missed your column about how Cal football coach Jeff Tedford should have sat Jahvid Best after his first concussion. Guess it doesn't apply unless it involves Tim Tebow and Urban Meyer.
I wrote on the Tebow concussion because Tebow is the face of college football, and because Florida is the defending national champion and No. 1 team in the country. I could write on concussions every week, but I picked my spot, and your team was it. Consider it a compliment. If nobody cared about your team, you'd be a Seminole.
From: Mark
Did I miss your concussion exposé on Jahvid Best? Where is your lambasting column about Tedford and the self-serving way he played him after a previous concussion? Where is the outrage like there was when Urban Meyer played Tebow?
Matt said it better than you, Mark. Snarkier, more concise. You're not just a lemming. You're a wordy lemming.
From: Deacon Stoic
Looking forward to your column on Tedford allowing Jahvid Best to play with a concussion. I know you have a great deal of passion for the subject. I read what you wrote on Florida.
Sure you read it. And then you read what your buddies wrote on the message board: "Let's e-mail that idiot Doyel!" And here you are. I can't wait for your buddies to write about the joy of eating dirt. When it's your turn, pretend it's chocolate.
From: Bob Swallows
Using anonymously written crap by a bunch of losers with a lot of free time as a source of discussion-worthy material is bush-league journalism.
Dude, look at your name. I don't have to anagram it to insult you. It already IS insulting you.
From: Cody P. Wells
Come up with an anagram for my name.
I don't do requests. But if I did, and if you were a bit too frisky with your hands -- but not to me, of course -- I'd come up with "cops lewdly."
From: Brian Smith
Come on, Gregg! We're all waiting. When are you going to publish your article bashing Urban Meyer for his handling of the Brandon Spikes eye gouging incident?
Again, I don't do requests. But your name is an anagram for "his mint bra."
From: Steve
No comment on Urban Meyer's suspension of Spikes for a whole HALF a game? Thought I could count on you.
But if I wrote on it, that message board for Florida fans would devote their time to me again. And I'd rather they get started eating dirt.
From: Cody
McGriddles suck. I can't believe you didn't take the easy bait to bash Urban Meyer again. Giving a player who eye-gouges a half game!?! Gregggggggg -- you're better than that.
McGriddles WHAT? Are you that same Cody P. Wells who wanted his name anagrammed? "Coldly spew." There. Happy?
From: Sick Reader
You write a decent story on the Fedor fight and then end it with the Sinatra/Twisted Sister comment. I just lost any respect for you. What kind of modern man gives a flying f--- about a fossil like Sinatra? You are truly a douchenozzle.
It was alliteration. "Sixty seconds of Sinatra" sounds better than: "Sixty seconds of Radiohead." See? And frankly, I don't listen to any of that stuff. I'm all about the 1970s. Try Strawberry Letter 23 . Best song of all time.
From: Abdullahi
You're a racist pr--k and I can see it through your articles. I thought you were cool at first but the more you put out, the more you came off as a douche. It all started with that "Rush's rights were violated" article and you went from there. If I ever run into you I'm giving you a good ol' knuckle sandwich.
Normally such a ridiculous e-mail would get my dander up, but I'm in a good mood because I'm still listening to that YouTube clip of Strawberry Letter 23 . Shhh for a second. Here comes the grand finale!
From: Bobby
You window-licking idiot. The SEC is going to win a fourth straight national title this year -- but you think it's overrated. That is just amazing. What a complete dumb--- you are.
You called me a window-licking idiot and I giggled. But then you spouted your SEC propaganda, and you used what MIGHT happen in the BCS title game as if it's concrete supporting evidence, and I ... giggled some more.
From: Nick
I'm not trying to be snide, but I don't get how you're right about the Cairo thing in last week's Hate Mail. If they're five or six hours ahead of us, how could they see it on the previous calendar day? I mean, if you posted it before midnight Thursday, then the corresponding time for the reader would've been Friday morning. There is no time at which you could've posted your story in which the reader could've viewed it in Cairo on the previous date as your statement implies.
What I mean is this: It's today here, and it's tomorrow there. So they're in the future. I think that's what I mean. Where's Michael J. Fox when I need him?
From: Jordan K.
You seem to be joking with me again about the Cairo issue. You said, "But since it's yesterday in Cairo, technically you're getting Hate Mail early anyway. Since we're in the future here, give me a lottery number." You're first sentence clearly states it is yesterday in Cairo and your second sentence states that you are in the future relative to Cairo time, both of which are incorrect.
Let's not mention that whole Cairo thing anymore. Let's pretend it never happened.
From: CT Hoosier
With no passport, you will never taste a McArabia.
Dammit, Stalker, I said let's pretend ... wait. A Mc-What?? I'll be damned, that thing really exists.
From: Nick F
Something's not right here. I read your dislike for Skyline Chili and decided to try it again after four years, and you're right. It still sucks. McGriddles on the other hand are pretty good.
So you tried both of them simply because I always talk about it? I have another idea. Try mailing me a personal check. Or cash. It's fun!
From: Kenny E.
Apparently I need an alias or something more memorable. I've tried McGriddles, I've mentioned your baseball career, and I've even stepped up the stalking over the past three months and STILL am not getting looped in with the regulars. Suggestions?
Hmmm. You could mail me some cash. It just might work.
From: Lou Tomlin
Not sure if anyone pointed this out yet, but soccer is not a sport. It is what guys who are afraid to get hit do in the fall.
I assume you're referring to my soccer career, as I referenced last week in Hate Mail? Not sure if anyone has pointed this out yet, Lou, but if anyone were to try to look you up for the sake of ripping on you, they'd fail. All they'd find are a bunch of "Lou Tomlin" references with an extra name attached. There was Mary Lou Tomlin. Lily-Lou Tomlin. Betty Lou Tomlin. Which one are you, stud?
From: David Lowell
Sometimes when I read your Hate Mail column I kind of feel bad for you. All these people spewing hatred as though they really know the real Gregg Doyel. I bet you actually have a tender soul, you just don't show it. Why don't we see that side of you Gregg?
It's there. If only you could have seen the tender look on my face when I asked Florida fans to eat dirt.
From: McLife
Thanks for the nice Bengals article. Previously you've treated most of the Cincinnati teams with contempt, but lately you've given grudging props to the Bearkitties and now the Who Dey crowd, so the question is ... when does the other shoe drop? Spite runs deep in you, young padawan.
Sigh. For the millionth time, I'm not mad at Cincinnati teams because a radio station in town fired downsized me in a cost-cutting move two years ago. I'm not. I'm petty, but I'm not THAT petty. But just so you know, I'm covering the West Virginia-Cincinnati game on Friday night. If the Bearcats lose that one, my tender side will be AWOL.
