I'm Jon Gruden and I love you.
If you haven't noticed by now, on the Monday Night Football broadcasts, I express my love for everything and everyone.
I love rainbows, giraffes and late fees. I love three-step drops, Oreck vacuums and yards after contact.
I love Greg Jennings and Waylon Jennings.
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| Hyperbole? Jon Gruden gives that an emphatic thumbs-up. (US Presswire) |
Some of you might think I express my unabashed and shameless love for every single player in the NFL because I'm setting myself up to be a coach. You people are such cynical weenies. But I still love you.
By the way, the Buffalo Bills are a helluva franchise and I love them, and my undying Bills declaration has nothing to do with the fact they have a coaching opening. Love how Dick Jauron looks like Skeletor. Have you seen the Bills? Great team, man! That Terrell Owens is special.
I coached Skeletor once, and he's a helluva guy. Love that boney-ass face, man.
I love icicles, gargoyles and the Mayans. The Mayans are my boys. Hoo-ey!
That federal stimulus money is doing a helluva job. Love tax breaks, too, man. Every American should have a tax break and a Favre jersey.
I love Juicy Fruit, pepperoni and Bill Belichick. Fourth-down plays that don't work? Beautiful, man.
Notre Dame is having a great year. Love me some Irish. So what if Army, Navy and Air Force beat them every season by 30? Have you seen Charlie Weis? I'd love to have a slim waistline like his. Who wouldn't?
Speaking of Notre Dame, give me Brady Quinn any day of the freaking week, man. What an accurate thrower. Love me some Brady.
I love herbal tea, Dick Vitale and mammograms.
And I love Tim Tebow. Did you see what I told the Orlando Sentinel about Tim Tebow?
"Tim Tebow is so interesting to me," I said. "He's like Brandon Jacobs playing quarterback. He's 250 pounds. He's the strongest human being who's ever played the position. Ever. He will kick the living [expletive] out of a defensive lineman. He'll fight anybody. He is rare. Tebow is the kind of guy who could revolutionize the game. He's the 'wildcat' who can throw. Most of the teams that have the wildcat back there, it's Ronnie Brown, it's Jerious Norwood, it's whoever you want to say it is. This guy here is 250 pounds of concrete cyanide, man. And he can throw. He throws well enough at any level to play quarterback."
Concrete cyanide. Love me some concrete.
You know what I love besides every team in the history of the NFL? A sunset. Nutin' like a sunset, man. Makes you all tranquil and stuff.
I love the name Anquan. I'm naming my next son Anquan. Anquan Gruden. That's beautiful!
Have you ever read the RICO Act? Man, it's a thing of great beauty. I love the RICO.
I love everything.
Except Keyshawn Johnson. Can't stand him.
But I love you.
Hoo-ey!
