Hate Mail: Time flies when you're sending dung

Updated Dec. 3

Get ready. Some guy just walked in here, uninvited, and in less than 20 words called everyone in the room a name. He called me a name. He called you a name. He even called himself a name, though he wasn't bright enough to realize it.

Hate Mail loves a reader like John MacLean. He has enough dumbness for all of us!

From: John MacLean

You draw hate mail like s--t draws flies. Both you and the senders deserve one another.

In this analogy scenario of yours, am I the smelly brown pile ... or the incessantly vomiting insect? Never mind. Doesn't matter. There is no right answer. Better question: Which one are you?

From: Dean Bratsis

Just read the Rich Rodriguez hit piece. Way to twist words.

It's what I do No idea what you're talking about.

From: Chris

Have you ever heard of F.A.C.T.? Fast, accurate, concise, true. Is this really your occupation? Gathering bits and pieces of info only to place them where and when you want to?

I prefer this mantra: Write. Unhinged. Slanderous. Smears. I wonder if that spells out an acronym, and if so, if that acronym would apply to you.

From: Trent

You write two articles on Ohio State and Jim Tressel in successive weeks, criticizing him in one and praising him in the other for doing the same exact thing. I agreed with both. You should be a politician. I'll stuff the ballot box for you.

And just like that, we go from FACT to ACORN.

From: Tim and Deb

This article on Michigan's Rich Rodriguez was right on! We could not agree more.

Which one of you actually typed this? Or did you take turns with every key stroke? I bet Deb typed the letters g-r-e-g-g ... i-s ... h-o-t. Unless that was Tim. And this is how I deal with readers who are being nice to me? I really am a bad guy.

From: Sam

I think you are the most disrespectful journalist I have ever read. It's one thing to pound someone with your pen. It's another when you pound them with the attitude you have and try to put yourself in a position of being superior.

You're sort of making me feel bad. I suppose I could be nicer. I'm going to give it a try with whoever writes me next.

From: Nate Branahl

Your last article -- on how boring the Heisman race is shaping up to be -- was more boring than the race itself. Please, if you can't write anything interesting and worthwhile, don't write at all.

Your name is an anagram for The Anal Barn. And I say that nicely.

From: Shilp Shah

Why is it that when you attack your readers, you attack them personally? Instead of using intelligent arguments, you call them stupid and ugly. So basically, how is it that you are employed? I don't respect any writer that doesn't respect his readers.

I respect my readers, Shilp. Most of them. Almost all of them. OK -- everyone but you. Isn't that better?

From: Tony D.

I agreed with your Rich Rod article and wrote a thread titled I "told you so." I'm pretty sure I got more hate mail than you.

Did you get a note from Shilp? I didn't think so.

From: John Hicks

PLEASE assemble a "Best of Hate Mail" and put it in book form. I am sure it would be a bestseller. You could donate the profits to help all those Michigan fans pass their GED test.

I plan to, seriously, but Rick Reilly already wrote a book with the words "hate mail" in the title. Figures. That guy has been using my material for years.

From: Chris Sommers

Why can't you be more like Bill Simmons?

Because my egomania is shtick -- and near as I can tell, his is the real deal.

From: Dave Rhea

Bobby Bowden "loves FSU football to death"? I think that is genius. Are you on Twitter? If not, get there!

Honestly? My ego isn't big enough to get on Twitter. I seriously don't understand why anyone would want to get 140-character thoughts from me -- or from anyone -- throughout the day.

From: Glenn

Your article about Tiger Woods shows just what a no-talent idiot you really are. Tiger Woods is a superior athlete and an icon of our times, while you are just a lazy hack who won't even take the time to get his facts straight. If I was from Michigan I'd suggest a proper diet for you, but since I am more civilized I will simply never read one of your columns again. (I know you haven't written anything on Tiger yet, but I just wanted to get ahead of the rest of the crowd.)

I'm now receiving Hate Mail on columns I've not even written? Damn. I'm better than I thought. Maybe I should get on Twitter.

From: Jerry

You think the Florida team is somehow greatness? I wonder how quiet you will be if Florida loses to Alabama or Texas. I doubt you will be back here to eat your words. Good thing you pathetic CBS writers hide behind keyboards and monitors and have others write your articles.

True, ghost writers write all my stuff. I'm just here for that picture. If you saw how ugly the ACTUAL writers are ... wow. Well, fine. Every now and then one gets on here himself. See for yourself.

From: Burton DeWitt

Maybe you can help me with this one, since you're from the area. Where the hell is Cancun, Kentucky?

Go to Cairo, Ga., and hang a left.

From: Stewart

Are we going to get another soul jam recommendation for this week?

Excellent question, but no. My last two tips, Strawberry Letter 23 and I Feel Love were not picked for their soul. They were picked for their era -- the 1970s. This week, I recommend Pink Floyd's Run Like Hell. If the first 45 seconds of that song don't make you want to punch someone in the mouth, you're a pacifist pansy.

From: Ramiro

Florida State has sunk to "the level of Miami"? C'mon Doyel, decent article -- until the cheap shots. Miami is on the way up. Leave the Canes out of this convo.

I thought you were about to tell me to "leave the 'Canes out of your mouth." Nobody's ever said that to me. Except for me. I just said it to me. And it makes me want to punch myself in the mouth. If I hear that song by Pink Floyd, I just might.

From: Thomas Burns

What do you believe Tim Tebow would have to do for a facemask to be called against him? I've watched him stiff-arm, grasping facemasks lo these four years. Just saw it again vs. FSU -- no flag.

Tebow doesn't grab anyone's facemask for a competitive advantage, T.B. He only does it to defenders with crooked teeth -- and he straightens them. It's orthodox orthodontia.

From: Chris

It must have been a shame riding that short bus all those years. Between yourself, Dennis Dodd and Mike Freeman there's not a single ounce of credibility.

Like Prisco is any better.

From: Jake H.

As a Michigan and Big Ten fan, I generally avoid CBS for anything college football-related, since I'm still ticked at Gary Danielson for that embarrassing Get Out to Vote Campaign for Florida during the 2006 SEC championship game. Anyway, I just wanted to commend you on the Rich Rodriguez article. His "woe is me" attitude is getting tired. After I read the Hate Mail comments from Michigan people, I felt that a response from a sane Michigan fan was absolutely necessary -- especially from one who has a grudge against your parent network. Keep up the good work. After this article, I now have a reason to check out CBSSports.com.

Jake, I think I like you more than I have ever liked a man in my entire life.

From: Tony

You're an idiot. First and last time I'll read anything you write.

Who needs you? I've got Jake.

From: Barbara Straight

Worst column I've ever read. Showed you know nothing about football. I'm surprised you still have a job writing anything about sports.

The words from Jake will sustain me.

From: Joaquin Ticonderoga

One game in which Florida finally excels as the No. 1 team in America and suddenly they are "greatness"? What a mockery you make of sports commentary.

Starting to miss Jake.

From: Phil

The Thanksgiving hate mail was as good as pumpkin pie. No one should have to read that trash, but your responses were priceless. Must say the column and work you do brings a freshness that is missing from sports today. Keep doing what you do.

You remind me of Jake.

From: John

Do you think baldness makes you look younger, as you say on your bio? Ha, Ha. You look like the typical South Florida Gator homer!

You read something I wrote and got so mad that you went to my bio, read it, studied my photo and then clicked on the link to give me a piece of your mind. And THIS is the best you could come up with? A baldness joke followed by a homer joke? Makes me sad for you.

From: Brandon Micheal

You are a defensive person, according to your bio. You are right -- I could break your nose, but not that ego. You have a big chip on those shoulders. You need therapy.

Lot of people reading my bio this week. I wonder if that's where Jake found me ...

From: Davey J.

You are one earring and a good shave away from being Mr. Clean.

I wore an earring from age 30 to 33. I looked like a fool, but nobody had the guts to tell me. Know why? Because I'm intimidating like that.

From: Kenny E.

UGLY FLORIDA HOMER.

Kenny. Loyal stalker. You're still mad about that Chad Ochocinco column, but this is beneath you.

From: L.J.

Whose writing among your sports journalist peers do you enjoy the most? I can't imagine it would be anyone at CBS. I think Jason Whitlock is pretty good and so is Mitch Albom when he lays off the sentimental goo.

First of all, I love everyone here at CBS, even the guy who writes hockey, whatever his name is. Second, Whitlock is the only sportswriter in America I have to read every day. But there's one in Canada who fits that bill, Bruce Arthur of the National Post, the only sportswriter I literally have bookmarked. The guy's terrific. Reminds me of me. As for Albom, he's the Oprah of sports writing.

From: Steve Wolf

I'm a student at LSU and I feel our athletics director, Joe Alleva, is no good. While discretion would normally prevent me from sharing this opinion with the whole world, seeing you constantly attack public figures without much substance other than background hearsay gave me the confidence to go ahead and slam Alleva in an article appearing in the school paper a month ago or so. Yes, I was called an idiot and received angry letters, but seeing you take it week after week gave me the confidence to go ahead and write it and not care what people think. Your tendency to write horrible articles attacking public figures just to create a sense of anger inspired me to go ahead and share my opinion, even if it was an unpopular one. If it's one thing I've learned from reading your columns and hate mail over the years, it's not to take criticism personally and to have the courage to have an independent mind even if you know you will be slammed for it. In other words, thank you for being an arrogant (expletive deleted).

This was the nicest insult ever. Or the meanest compliment. Whatever it is, I miss Jake.