Hate Mail: Delayed reactions flavor of weak
Updated Dec. 17
This week there are references to 'shrooms, crotches and proctologists. Not all in the same letter, thank goodness. I can't even imagine such a letter. Anyway ...
There are also references to the past -- to stories I wrote a long, long time ago. Some of you have a memory like an elephant. Either that, or you're still using dial-up to get onto the Internet. Speed up, people. You have to move fast to keep up with Hate Mail.
From: Gregg Watson
In response to your article on the OSU-Iowa game, you may not have liked the way it looked, but the bottom line is the win. This is five years in a row for the Buckeyes in the BCS -- and no other team can say that.
You spell your name like a champion, and you make good points in your e-mail, but dadgum. I wrote that thing a month ago. What's your Internet provider -- a carrier pigeon?
From: Joseph Journeyman
I just read your Sept. 2008 article about Vince Young. "V.Y., you poor guy, if it'll help, I'll switch places with you." It was good for a laugh, but you come off like a ignorant schmuck.
And your Internet server must come out of the Galapagos Islands. There are turtles there, people. Turtles. Get it? Turtles are slow, and his Internet server is slow, and ... never mind. Animal jokes never work out.
From: Candace Kochmann
I just saw your appearance on CNN's Reliable Sources. Your comment about Tiger Woods and a farm animal was uncalled for. There is no evidence of that and it makes you appear like you are expressing sour grapes and are jealous.
See? They never work. Animal jokes, I mean. And anyway, Candace, who am I supposed to be jealous of in this scenario? Tiger ... or the farm animal? Don't answer that.
From: Sonny
I think CBSSports.com should be ashamed to let you make an announcement on CNN that you're waiting for news that Tiger Woods has been with a goat. Who are you that you could make such a announcement of something you have no knowledge of?
An "announcement"? It was a joke, Sonny. A joke. Good grief.
From: Solei Adams
What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?
Forget about me -- that old codger needs to bring a sense of humor to Candace and Sonny. But as for you, your name is an anagram for Salami's Ode. I added the apostrophe myself!
From: Bertrand Piggins
You say the sex life of Tiger Woods matters to you? Get a life!
And your name is an anagram for "sprinting badger." But to be honest, "Bertrand Piggins" is even funnier.
From: Blake
Mark Ingram is not deserving of the Heisman ... and Dexter McCluster is? I must say this is a first. Might you be reminded that McCluster is the second-best running back in the state of Mississippi, behind Anthony Dixon -- who is the second-best running back in the SEC behind Ingram.
My point, obliquely, is this: Ole Miss had the best RB in the SEC and didn't know it until late in the season, when the offense finally shifted from overrated Jevan Snead to underrated Dexter McCluster. So my point, really, is this: Houston Nutt is an idiot.
From: Inge
You're an idiot.
No, Houston Nutt is. Pay attention.
From: Casey P.
Never thought about the BCS or the Heisman like that, but you are definitely right: Society is being brain-washed by the media, which is why we don't think outside the box or for ourselves. Well done.
Thank you. You do realize, of course, that I just brain-washed you.
From: Sean Lynott
When are you going to add a picture to your Wikipedia page?
I keep waiting for someone to do it for me. Someone else made my Wikipedia page in the first place. Someone else keeps updating it. Whoever that person is, post a picture! And make it this one!
From: CT Hoosier
I added the fact that you are an accomplished all-state athlete to your Wikipedia Page. If the edit lasts until Thursday, I'll expect a public thank you in the introduction to Hate Mail.
You're the guy behind my Wikipedia entry? You?!? I should have known, you mouthy little stalker.
From: Kenny E.
I'd like to use Hate Mail as a platform to congratulate CT Hoosier on his new digs. I live only 40 miles away from Gregg -- who wants to have a stalker party?!
Scary thing is, you know exactly how far you live from me. You even know the best possible route to my house. But have you ever edited my Wikipedia page? Nope. You have a lot to learn from CT Hoosier.
From: Chris H.
I read last week's hate mail, you big baby. You want someone to quote you? OK, I'll bite. How about this: "Oklahoma City Sonics? Hornets? Not gonna happen."
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Unless they're MY words. Those words were brutal. When I'm wrong, I'm not just a little bit wrong. I go all out.
From: Dave Blandford
As a 26-year resident of Louisville and fan of the Cardinals, I am reminded of the story that you wrote about the Cards when Bobby Petrino left. My memory paraphrases, but you said they will NEVER reach those heights again. I was so ticked at you, I couldn't see straight. Now, I can only say, "Wow, what a crystal ball you had."
But when I'm right ...
From: Playground John
STOP STEALING MONKEYS!
Next time, leave those mushrooms where you found them.
From: Texas Angie
Hey can I use you as a personal reference for this job I'm applying to? I just need your digits. Thanks, buddy.
Sure thing: 867-530-ni-ee-ine.
From: CT Hoosier
Corporate America is really putting on damper on my CBSSports.com readership. And I have to pay taxes. Basically, if my repatriation doesn't come with a face-to-face encounter with Gregg Doyel, it will be a great disappointment. We should set a date.
Sure thing. I already gave out my number. Call me.
From: Darrin W.
When will you -- yes, you, the only guy on here with the crotch big enough to do it -- write an article crushing the hopes and dreams of all those people complaining about the BCS and dreaming of a playoff system?
Mentions of my crotch are always welcome. Preferably, though, your first name wouldn't be Darrin but would be, for example, Jenny. And your number would be 867-5309.
From: Ray Schuck
I read the following on your blogg today: "That would be like saying I'm a poor man's Ernest Hemingway. I'd take that as an enormous compliment." And, so, with two short sentences, the subtext of your work becomes clear. The angst, the hate, the picture with the hammer ... it's all an emulation of Hemingway -- you're struggling with your masculinity. It all makes sense. Personally, I would have gone with a poor man's Theodore Sturgeon, which I'm sure says plenty about me.
I'm sailing right past your Hemingway analogy and wondering who the hell is Theodore Sturgeon -- and if he's half as good as Chuck Palahniuk.
From: Jim Bole
Bret Easton Ellis is better than Chuck Palahniuk.
Wrong. Any writer who needs to use three names is clearly overcompensating for a lack of crotch size.
From: Glenn
CBSSports.com golf columnist Steve Elling seems to have tried his hand at his own brand of Hate Mail. I feel sorry for the guy -- could you give him a few pointers?
Truth is, that guy's too smart for his own good. He needs to dumb it down to connect with the common man. Me, I was born dumbed down.
From: Jeff Pokorny
Can I use Hate Mail to hate someone else? In your Brian Kelly to Notre Dame blogg, "mustbegood" said that it will again be uttered "to win a national championship, you must first go through Notre Dame." Are you kidding me? Has anyone other than a drunk ND grad uttered those words since about 1927? The idea of using hate mail for this purpose has to be intriguing, does it not?
Oh, it's intriguing. I could rent out Hate Mail to people just like yourself, and together we could spread our homily of Hate all over the world! I'm like Dr. Evil, which makes you my Mini-Me.
From: Jimmy
Your writing is like a Snuggie.
Not sure I follow.
From: Jimmy
Some people wrap up in its cocoon of warmth and goodness, and some people consider it a cheap piece of crap.
Oh. Well, clearly Group A is smarter than Group B. And the Scott Boras commercial -- "we're going to need the Snuggie" -- is a thing of brilliance.
From: Earl
Tennessee fans everywhere, even those of us serving overseas, like Lane Kiffin's voice box just where it is. So, lay off the lame criticism. CBSSports.com readers, however, would be better served if you could find a proctologist to pull your larynx out of Uranus.
So you're saying I'm speaking out of my ... oh. I get it. Come home safely, soldier.
From: CT Hoosier
What do I have to do to get a hand-written, personally signed response to one of my many Hate Mail messages?
This IS my handwriting. Block letters. I'm very neat, and I really do write my 'a' like this. Very classy, my 'a'.
