Hate Mail: When Irish guys are writing ...
Updated Dec. 24
Notre Dame football snobs -- I know, oxymoron -- got their chance to express their oxymoronic snobbery this week. So I say: fine. They have so little to be fired up about. They can be fired up about me.
In other news about me, I'm going to fight a very large, very athletic man next month, and I'm going to do it for free. And if that doesn't prove I'm the stupidest sportswriter alive, I give you Hate Mail. One day before Christmas! But 13 days after Hanukkah. And two days before Kwanzaa. If the Hare Krishnas have some sort of December holiday, I don't care. Those people are idiots.
From: Nick F.
Are you aware that a man with a strikingly similar name to your own -- Gregg Doyle -- will be boxing former Dolphins running back Terry Kirby on Jan. 29?
That's me! Pro Bowl organizers are marketing their game -- the week before the Super Bowl in Miami -- by hosting a series of events, including a night of "Pros vs. Joes" boxing. They asked me to box, then paired me with Terry Kirby. I hear he's a personal trainer now, and weighs about 230 pounds. If he has any boxing experience, I'm in trouble. And if he doesn't have any boxing experience? I'm in trouble.
From: Ryan Dunlay
If Notre Dame football is so irrelevant, why write about it? These attacks from little people such as yourself are getting tired.
You're right -- Notre Dame isn't irrelevant. Notre Dame is relevant as the punch line to a national joke. Notre Dame is relevant like the phrase, "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Or like the phrase, "To get to the other side."
From: Wegs
Your biased article about Notre Dame was humorous at best. It's amazing how you and other lower-level writers find a way to criticize the only university that will garner national interest for your paltry journalistic offerings. Otherwise, who would bother to read your gibberish?
I've got people who read my gibberish. Lots of people. Watch this.
From: Burton DeWitt
You wrote, "Is it sexist to say that -- at the top of the food chain -- the biggest, strongest, fastest, most explosive woman is neither big, strong, fast nor explosive enough to play in the NBA?" Well, Gregg, let me ask you: Is it sexist that I read that as fattest, not "fastest," the first time I read it?
Nope. Not sexist at all. You flew right past "sexist" and landed on "misogynistic." And now it's my turn to ask a question: Is it offensive to you that I used your e-mail only to prove to that Notre Dame snob named "Wegs" that there are people who read my gibberish? And there's plenty more where you came from, Burton. Watch this.
From: Kenny E.
After reading last week's Hate Mail I called 867-5309 and it was not you. Now, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that I had the wrong area code -- but if you lied to me, my faith in the world and humanity in general is greatly shaken.
No, Kenny, you dialed the right number. That was my answering machine. That disembodied female voice is my mother, thank you. I asked her to say, "You have reached a nonworking number -- announcement 14618-dash-7." It fools the telemarketers every time.
From: CT Hoosier
Any chance I can attend your Pros vs. Joes fight? They must allow competitors to invite some spectators.
Tickets start as cheap as $20. But for you, it would cost ... $20. Mouthy little stalker.
From: Greg
Interesting, um, Hate Mail last week -- what with all that innuendo. Particularly 'twixt you and CT Hoosier. But it got me thinking -- did you break up with Burns or something? I don't recall a posted letter from him lately.
Nah, Burns is still around. But I think an intervention may be in order. Watch this.
From: Thomas Burns
Kentucky basketball, undefeated national champion? I like the way you think. Among GI Joes, the only smooth-scalp figures are Destro, Neo-Viper, Resoblock and maybe Flint. Which of these do prefer play the part of Gregg Doyel? Kind of a tough call since Roadblock is dark-skinned and Flint may have hair.
Speaking of gibberish ... What the hell, T.B.? Someone spike your eggnog or what?
From: Jackson Doplain
You look like Brian Eno, but you are angrier and more intense.
Hmmm. And I was just starting to see a resemblance between myself and a light-skinned Resoblock.
From: Josh Lawrence
Let me get this straight: You like John Calipari because everyone else hates him, and you decided to write this article because ... why? Because Cal is just so awesome? Wow. By the way, you look like Derrick Zoolander, and before you get too excited, he isn't a real male model -- he just played one on a movie.
I think I'm more like Brian Eno, with pecs.
From: Bill
No offense, but your picture matches the article you wrote about Notre Dame. And that article was senseless.
I kind of think that picture makes me look like Derrick Zoolander.
From: Matthew Stentson
Someone asked you on last week's Hate Mail what you wanted Santa to bring you for Christmas. It looks like you want John Calipari under your Christmas tree.
He's dressed, right? I mean Calipari. Well -- and Santa too, for that matter.
From: Keith
I was wondering how long it would take you to write a love letter to Calipari and Kentucky. Let me guess -- you just couldn't fight that feeling anymore. You let your heart be your guide.
Hahahaha. I do love that man. And if loving him is wrong, I don't wanna be right. That song is not in my iPod, by the way. But it should be.
From: Gary Wilson
Kentucky, undefeated? I bet 90-plus-percent of the people who read it will miss your point and send Hate Mails ripping you for being a Kentucky fan -- and the Kentucky fans will say you are being a smarta--. This begs the question: Am I reading up to your level, or are you writing down to mine?
Not sure who's doing what, exactly, but I think we're both geniuses.
From: Bob Knollman
I retract my earlier statement about smacking your ass at the Florence, Ky., Applebee's for dissing Chad Ochocinco. Go Blue.
Now that we're friends again, Bob, please write me back and explain why you picked a Florence Applebee's as the location for smacking my ass. That has puzzled me for weeks. Applebee's? Applebee's?!?
From: Chris
You've worked for the Charlotte Observer and ESPN, are pulling for the Kentucky Wildcats to go undefeated and obviously think highly of yourself. It makes sense to me now.
Not sure what those random facts have to do with each other ... but they are facts.
From: Brandon Brock
It seems like you really got in Bob Knight's head with your article about UK's perfect season.
No kidding. Eight hours after I predict that, "From his perch at ESPN, Bob Knight would be miserable," Knight rips Calipari. Eight HOURS. Moral of the story: I know Bob Knight. And I know he likes chocolate Yoo-Hoo. That's a fact. One of his stipulations at ESPN is that Yoo-Hoo must be present at every game he works. True story.
From: Mike
Your undying love for Kentucky and John Calipari make me want to puke. Most of your articles have that effect on me though.
Before you can be great, you have to be consistent -- and I'm going to be great pretty soon. I got that quote from Rutgers coach Greg Schiano after the St. Petersburg Bowl.
From: Brian
You must have been rejected by Notre Dame. Nice job not letting your personal bias show.
Actually, one guy from my high school graduating class did go to Notre Dame. His name is John R., and he's a douchebag. Sorry, John. But you were. And still are.
From: Bob
I would call you stupid re: your article about Notre dame, but I wouldn't want to denigrate stupidity in that way.
And several years ago I interviewed for the sports columnist job at the South Bend Tribune. I flew home, and within seconds of getting off the airplane I called that paper and withdrew from consideration. Nothing against the paper or the people there, but that city smells like a wet chicken. It's the local ethanol plant, they tell me.
From: Stephen Kubeczka
SHUT UP! Didn't even read past the headline and still ... SHUT UP!
Your name is an anagram for, "Ketchup bakes zen."
From: James B. Coyne
We understand. You hate Notre Dame. You could just say that instead of going on and on about the Big Ten. Cretin.
And yours is an anagram for, "Enjoy me, scab."
From: B.J. Hersh
How can you be so biased and write a column like that? Get your facts straight. Did you go to journalism school?
And your first name is a synonym for, well. You know.
From: Burton DeWitt
Pot, meet kettle. This was you in that Notre Dame story: "Add a fourth core characteristic: Hypocrites. Remember, Notre Dame is a member of the Big East in all sports but football." How interesting, coming from someone who once said"This Twitter thing is annoying as hell." You, of course, are the kettle. How's that Twitter page treating you? And so you know, Notre Dame's men's hockey team is in the CCHA, while the school's co-ed fencing team plays in the Midwest Fencing Conference. That's hardly being in the Big East "in all sports but football." Not that you can be bothered with checking facts now that you are spending all your time on Twitter. And yet, all that time wasted on Twitter and you're still not following me? I reactivated my account for you, Gregory. Wait, scratch that; that's just sketchy. Still, if you are going to be on that god-awful website, at least follow one of the four people who have their full name mentioned on your Wikipedia page. Hypocrite.
And I printed this one because you referenced my Wikipedia page. And my Twitter page. If I had any more pages, I'd be Florida congressman Mark Foley.
P.S. Did you edit my Wikipedia page to put your name on there, you brash little stalker? Your name wasn't there last week. Not that I, um, looked.
From: Dave Ross
Once again, Gregg Doyel, you are the best sports writer on the Internet -- by far. It makes me wonder if you actually make up the Hate Mail you print each week, because I can't believe there are that many fans out there who are so completely unable to be objective when something honest and possibly negative is written about their team.
Not sure what your second sentence has to do with the first. Not sure I care!
From: Ray Schuck
I wondered if Theodore Sturgeon might be too obscure of a reference when I wrote it in Hate Mail. He was a mid-20th century sci-fi writer who went beyond sci-fi in his stories. If you're interested in seeing how he compares with Palahniuk, I'd say start with the short story "Slow Sculpture." Speaking of Palahniuk, I've only read Choke, which I liked. If you had to recommend one Palahniuk work, what would it be?
Fight Club is the best book he has ever written, and will ever write, and the best book anyone anywhere will ever write. But that's too easy an answer, so ... try Survivor. Incredible story. But when he's bad, Palahniuk is bad. Diary, for example, is atrocious. And I didn't much like Choke, either.
From: Matt Snow
In that Notre Dame column, you noted that the Big Ten has had nine years with multiple BCS bids and that ND would have a better chance at a BCS bowl in the Big Ten than as an independent. I wonder, however, if the conference would have had that many multi-bid years if it had a championship game. Take this season for instance and Big Ten leaders Ohio State, Iowa and Penn State; do you think that a 10-3 or even 11-2 Big Ten title game loser would get a BCS at-large?
Leave it to the guy from Yale -- looked you up, Matt -- to take me to school. That's a great point, and one I hadn't thought about. I'm shocked I'm printing your e-mail. Normally I pick e-mails that end up making me look good. Yours makes me look bad.
From: Mike
The Big Ten is the most overrated conference in the country. I would hate for Notre Dame to join. Might as well join the MAC.
Not a bad idea, Mike. Notre Dame could actually win the MAC. Some years. If Buffalo is down. (See! This exchange made me look good! I think.)
From: Himself
You could be right about Kentucky's potential ascension to the heights of college hoops lore. But, somehow, the thought of Patrick Patterson, John Wall and John Calipari being up there alongside the likes of Pete Maravich, Lew Alcindor, Bill Walton and Jim Valvano foments a queasy feeling in the stomach. For one thing, those stout fellows had the class and strength of character to stick with their respective programs for the duration. A one-and-done like John Wall -- who couldn't hold a candle to Pistol Pete, not without getting burned anyway -- and his ilk don't belong in the company of such erstwhile college greats. No matter how skilled at coaching Calipari may be, he couldn't carry Jim Valvano's jock strap. Adding Wall, Patterson and Calipari to the pantheon of college hoops historical greats would be tantamount to adding the Three Stooges to Mount Rushmore.
Someone got a thesaurus for an early Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa present.
