Hate Mail: Wicked witch and the rest of your e-mail
Updated Jan. 7
Ever been cursed by a witch? I have. This week. In Hate Mail.
Apparently some of Manny Pacquiao's fans are really, really angry about my column on the boxer -- which didn't (really) accuse him of cheating. I raised the issue, sure, but my primary issue was with the way he was avoiding Floyd Mayweather's blood-testing request.
Oh well. Witches might not read that well, but they sure do have Internet access. The witch is next -- but first, this guy. Because I love my response.
From: DevonRay
You want to rip everyone in the Mike Leach incident? I hope and pray our kids are NEVER on the same team. I personally can't stand the James father-and-son, but if Craig James is the "flaccid helicopter" then you must be the screaming, yelling, attacking, berating, a--hole dad in the stands.
Our kids were on the same team a few years back, Devon. My kid played third base. Remember? No? OK, this should help: I was the dad your wife kept staring at.
From: Witch
After reading your garbage on Pacquiao, I have cursed you through a local witch in Haiti. Let me draw it down to you: Your kids will get hit by a car. They will suffer but not die immediately. They will be in pain for 10 hours -- no ambulance will attend to them. Your wife will die because of cancer. Your dad? Don't bother; he's dead -- your mom, too. Happy New Year. All this will happen this year.
Happy New Year?
From: Witch
Hahahaha all your loved ones will die in pain. You shouldn't have pissed me off! Your poor kids -- they will die. It'll be a blue truck. Hahaha.
All I did was write a column ...
From: Witch
Once you get to the scene your kids will be squirming in pain. Hahahaha your kids crying in pain: "Whawha, Daddy, it hurts!" It will go for 10 hours. Hahahahaahahahahahahahhahahahahaha.
Good Lord, forget about killing anyone else -- KILL ME. I don't think I can take any more of this nonsense.
From: Witch
Blue car, dead kids!
You thought I forgot?
From: Witch
Ou ki kache nan niaj. Kap gade nou kote ou ye la. Ou we tout sa blan f nou sibi. Dje blan yo mande krim. Bon Dje ki nan nou an vle byen f. Bon Dje nou an ki si bon, ki si jis, li ordone vanjans.
Daylight come and me wanna go home ...
From: Witch
Who's the idiot now, white supremacist jerk? I've done this before and it is 100 percent effective. Voodoo!
Now then, your first sentence is fascinating. Pacquiao's opponent is Floyd Mayweather, so if I'm attacking Pacquiao, then I must be defending Mayweather. So either I'm the worst white supremacist since Dave Chappelle ... or you're the silliest witch since Sabrina.
From: Bill Allen
You are the most worthless excuse for a human being in the universe!
That witch doesn't seem to think so. He, or she, devoted six separate e-mails to me and my family.
From: CT Hoosier
If you will join me for a 100km run in Taklimakan, China, in August, you can demonstrate your athleticism in a post high school situation. All-state in two sports with a Wikipedia page or not, you've never conquered a desert.
Forget about conquering a desert, you creative little stalker. I just taunted a damn witch. I lead the league in gonads.
From: David
Get your article on the whole Mike Leach mess printed and framed, then hang it and be proud -- it's your best work to date.
Until a few days later, you mean -- when I wrote an article telling Tim Tebow to retire.
From: Don
Re: Tebow ... That is the dumbest thing I have ever read!
Wait. I thought it was the best thing I ever wrote. Better even than that piece of brilliance about the bully Mike Leach, the softie Adam James and the insufferable T-Ball parent Craig James.
From: Scott Lefevre
Like all sports writers -- and I use the term kindly, in your case -- you have achieved zero. I have wondered for quite some time why CBS has allowed you to continue being a writer. You of all people should be in favor of mediocre careers.
It's starting to dawn on me that some people actually didn't like that Tebow article.
From: Mike Slay
Talk about Tebow and your opinion about his future in the NFL, but you certainly don't possess any knowledge of the most important thing in life -- God the father and His son Jesus Christ. You have no idea what makes Tebow work, but He does. Tebow's greatest accomplishment is His work for the Lord. I truly feel sorry for people like you.
When they fall in the middle of a sentence, is it hard to capitalize words like "His" and "He"? Looks hard to Me.
From: V. Schmitz
Merry Christmas. Oh that's right -- you don't believe in Christmas.
Sure I do. Christmas is the economic engine that drives this country's retail industry and paves the way for what We in this country call capitalism. I'm all about Christmas.
From: Jeff
Forget whether or not Tebow should retire. Perhaps YOU should retire. Can't say I have ever been impressed with your work.
Yet you keep coming back to read me. Interesting ...
From: Brodie
Dude, you are a clown, a sideshow -- a waste of space for readers of sports journalism. I'm so glad I don't waste my time reading more than an article a month.
And you keep coming back every month or so? VERY interesting ...
From: Bull Gator
Die in a fire.
Not so interesting.
From: Luicas Rasos
I bet you got your degree -- and yet you're so ignorant. Nice college. Let me guess -- Florida State?
I graduated from the same school as Tebow. Class of 1992. But with much more sex better grades.
From: Coby Cooper
Wow, what a waste of words. Took me all of seven lines to figure out. Then I stopped.
Waste of words? You quit reading! You have no idea how many words I wasted on this topic. And you missed my brilliant dismount at the end. I stuck the landing, son. Stuck. It.
From: Mike Sealock
Gregg Doyel you are a moran who does not know a thing about anything! You should be the one thinking about retirement because you really suck at what you do for a career.
I just got called a moron by a guy who can't spell the word moron. That makes it hurt worse, actually.
From: Ryan
How much Hate Mail do you get, 'cause your articles suck!!
Hate Mail is like the cockroach -- for every one you see, there are hundreds you don't. Not that I'm calling Hate Mailers a bunch of cockroaches. I'm not. Although maybe you, Ryan ...
From: Jack Detwiler
It takes guts to suggest that Tebow might not be able to feed the hungry, save the rain forests and win every NFL game in which he ever plays. When he rises from the grave to win two Super Bowls in one year and then you stick your finger in his wounds, will you still doubt him?
When I stick my finger in his WHAT?
From: Peter Griffin
Do I get royalties on the Zoolander reference in last week's Hate Mail? It was I who first pointed out your resemblance to "Blue Steel" way back in the day.
I remember! That was seven months ago. You're good, Peter. How's Stewie?
From: Kenny E.
I hate Florida, and McGriddles, and Terry Kirby is going to smash you up good ... but I gotta say I think Tebow is going to win in the pros. Dude's a winner, as much as I hate to admit it.
I've got a better chance in my fight against Terry Kirby on Jan. 29 than Tebow does in the NFL.
From: Mark Boardman
After reading your story on Tebow it's obvious why you are relegated to writing a two-bit blog on a website. It's also obvious you're trying to package yourself for bigger and better things. I mean, with the tough-guy pic and hardball commentary you should be a shoe-in for one of those who-can-yell-the-loudest shows on ESPN. You're fooling no one, though.
Your name is an anagram for "damn karma, bro." Watch out for witches.
