Hate Mail: Oil be darned -- absence doesn't makes heart grow fonder

Updated March 4

All sports writers get hate mail. I'm not special. Most sports writers don't flaunt their hate mail, but that's me. I'm, um, special.

Anyway ... most sports writers, when they take a week off, their hate mail slows to a trickle.

Not mine. It kept on gushing. If Hate Mail were oil, I'd be rich. As it is, it's just crude. (See how I did that?)

From: Ben Dover

Finally they fired your ass. What did you do? Make fun of Freeman's wardrobe or call Gwen Knapp a (name)? I'm crossing my fingers that this isn't just a vacation or family emergency you have to attend to, but that you're actually fired.

Nope, not fired. No death in the family, either, and thank you for your concern. Maybe you missed it, but I came back Sunday and wrote about the POY in college basketball.

From: Stalin

Ugh. Doyel's back.

See! Not fired!

From: Martha

Tebow born to be a Colt. Doyel born to be a dolt.

But if there HAD been a death in my family, you'd feel bad for me. I think.

From: THE Darren in Pittsburgh

Don't worry, Gregg, this piece of hate mail isn't for you. It's for all these other insensitive a---holes out there making fun of you. Have a heart, people! Have you not read his articles? It's obvious he rides the short bus home from work -- yet you still pick on him? For shame.

Hey, thanks. Thanks a lot, Darren, that was very ... wait. What?

From: Sean Lynott

If curling was so easy, everyone would be doing it. I challenge you to make the U.S. team for the 2014 games. Maybe CBS can sponsor you?

Wrong. If curling were FUN, everybody would be doing it. As for your challenge, give me a bigger one -- like running a mile in 11 minutes.

From: Jon

You d--k, I hate you for not giving me some Hate Mail to read last week. Obviously, I meant that as a compliment ... you d--k.

And I took it as such, you piece of $#!*. I hope you feel the love right back.

From: Nick F.

I thought your hate mail was made-up until I saw myself on there. (First letter.) Hate Mail makes me sad. It's hard to imagine so many people are so dumb. If Hate Mail was a store, it'd be Wal-Mart. Peopleofhatemail.com, anyone?

Don't give these people any ideas. Nobody knows what, say, Kenny E. looks like. And we all like it that way.

From: Kenny E.

To Burton (eighth letter): Are you the only Burton DeWitt I'm able to search for on Facebook? I don't want to add a random Burton, and yes -- I have no reason to hide under a lame alias. Gregg, you're bald.

Now you creepy people are Facebooking each other through Hate Mail? I draw the line there. Although if I can get a few more Twitter follows out of it ... have at it.

From: Matthew J.

I have decided to temporarily sink to the level of your stalkers by responding to Burton. My message to this Burton character is this: You can have Gregg Doyel all to yourself -- I don't want him. You seem very protective of him, almost territorial. Now I am going to stop writing because I feel weird about fighting over Gregg Doyel. Unlike yourself, I do have shame.

Um, hello? I'm the star of Hate Mail. Not Burton. Me. Gregg DeWitt Doyel.

From: Deacs Greg

I cannot believe you used that NBA money column to write this about your feet: They're size 10, by the way, and if you don't think that's very large, you're right. But the size of the shoe doesn't matter, and that's all I'm going to say about that. But since you did write that, we'd have to let CT Hoosier or TB weigh in on that, wouldn't we?

Why not Burton? He should weigh in, right? It's all about that knucklehead, I thought. Burton, Burton, Burton.

From: Burton DeWitt

You must feel so important, taking an entire week off and yet still your last article remains linked on the CBSSports.com home page. By the way, I've decided to switch over to Bing from Google. I'm down to 5,910 results for my name on Google, compared to 41,600 for you. But if I Bing my name, I receive 2,970,000 results, while you are stuck at only 59,600. That makes me 49.8 times as Bingable as you are. And Barack Obama only has 550,000 Bing results. I'm more than five times as Bingable as Barack Obama. Who feels important now?

Like clockwork, there you are. I hate clocks. If I had a grandfather clock, I'd smash it with my sledge hammer. And you know I have a sledge hammer.

From: Kevin

While it's true the Cavs' roster doesn't have any "superstars" playing with LeBron, they are not a bunch of bums, either. To be a team, everyone has to play a role and that's what the Cavs have. When they hoist the trophy at the end of the year, they may not be a bunch of great teammates, but they'll be something better -- WORLD CHAMPIONS.

I'm wiping a tear from my eye. Not out of appreciation for the beauty of your words, but because I tend to cry when I laugh really hard. And your abject naiveté made me chortle like a champ.

From: Mr. Torture

I have to give you credit for being quiet about Kentucky this season. I know you are a severe homer for Kentucky and Calipari, so it must be extremely difficult not to write gooey love letters to both of them every day. Hopefully you are not keeping it all in so you can write another book about the Wildcats.

You must have missed this gooey love letter where I predicted Kentucky's immediate dominance under Cal. And this gooey love letter where I thanked Kentucky for helping Haiti. As for the book, it sucked. Which is why I won't provide a link to it. Again.

From: Jimmy

Has CBS rolled out the new commercials yet for the upcoming Fedor Emelianenko fight on CBS? My friend said he saw a commercial for Fedor on CBS but I have yet to see it!

Do I look like The Answer Fella to you? Don't come to me with your general questions. I'm busy. Writing another gooey love letter to Kentucky, probably.

From: J.D. Wright

I was wondering which college you think could put together the best team of current NBA players. I imagine UCLA, North Carolina and UConn would have to be high, and Florida has some excellent big men in the NBA. Your thoughts?

I was going to make a snarky joke about Duke, then realized this might be the best alma mater lineup in the NBA: Chris Duhon and Corey Maggette at guard; Luol Deng and Elton Brand at forward; Carlos Boozer as the undersized center.

From: Jonathan Canoe

I try. I really do try. My advice to you is based upon love. It goes to show that even the best intended advice, even when right, is ignored. Stay away from politics. You don't have the chops for it. Statements like "capitalism has worked since 1776" simply encourages Sarah Palin types. Go back through history and you'll see that a significant portion of this country's success has a large dose of -- dare I say it -- Socialism. From free land being given out to farmers and railroad barons, to massive subsidies for farmers, oil producers, ranchers, etc., we are a country that in the best of times balances social input from the government with the practical benefits of market economies. The Social Darwinism put forth by the Tea [Partiers] is supported by the fundamental lack of understanding of how much governmental intervention has gone into creating the economic behemoth that is this country along with the amazing natural resources and, up until the past twenty years, the best education system in the world. So, write away about who you think should get money. But try to avoid the throwaway lines about market economies. All you're doing is creating more Palin supporters from the less informed among your fans, and with your fan base that is an awfully large number.

Sarah Palin is sort of hot, you know.

From: Arch-enemy

The only reason players make that kind of money is because someone else makes enough to write the check. Why do you not complain about how much money the owners make? If owners control the entire venue of professional sports including salaries, then that's just well-paid slavery. It is amazing to me that you people scream for open markets in everything until it comes to professional sports. That is just hypocrisy.

Unlike Jonathan Canoe, who's pretty astute, you wrote one stupid sentence and followed it with another, and another, until you were done. You want to make this black and white, when there's gray here. His name is Aaron Gray, and he makes $1.1 million to not play for New Orleans. But you go ahead and buy that $12 hot dog. That money, if not those calories, are going right to Gray's fat butt.

From: Glenn Beck

Who am I?

Beats me. That woman from Fatal Attraction?

From: GDH

Was going to write about how you were wrong about NCAA tourney expansion, but then I began to read your column today about the money in the NBA and I got to the part about NBA expansion into "despicable China." Never mind any criticism I may have had in the past or will have in the future of your columns and opinions. You have forever earned my respect for your willingness to recognize and state the obvious about the Chinese totalitarian police state which continues to repress more than a billion Chinese people -- not to mention Tibet -- and imprison and mistreat including torture and killing hundreds of thousands of political prisoners. Thank you.

If they come and get me and throw me into some prison, you better come rescue me. Or at least write me a letter. I'll get lonely in my Chinese prison cell.

From: Sing Bill

It seems that taking on the folks from Tennessee was just a warm-up for you. Now you've taken it to a billion Chinese. You're becoming the new Jack Bauer. I can't wait for Hate Mail!

I didn't get a single letter from China, or from a Chinese-American, or from anybody who was angry at me for calling China "despicable." Who could possibly argue with that description, anyway? That government literally knocks on people's doors and takes them out of their house. It's crazy, and ... hang on. There's a knock at my ----