T.O. and Cincy? Stop the train -- I'm hopping off

Now that they're talking to Terrell Owens, the Bengals are on their own. I've tried to help as much as I could, from complaining to mocking to openly ripping them for their behavior and their personnel decisions, and with my help the Bengals reached the playoffs in 2009. It was a good partnership, the Bengals and me. But it's over.

Because this? I cannot condone this. And I cannot complain or mock or openly rip it -- because I cannot comprehend it.

The Bengals are talking to Terrell Owens. The Bengals are talking to Terrell Owens. The Bengals are ... sorry. That was for my own benefit. Just trying to wrap my brain around this puzzling piece of offseason news. Thought maybe if I wrote it enough times, and read it enough times, it would make sense to me. But alas, it does not.

Would there be enough receptions in Cincinnati to keep both Ochocinco and T.O. happy? (US Presswire)

The Bengals are talking to Terrell Owens? That's gibberish. It's complete nonsense. It's true, but that doesn't make it logical or smart. Terrell Owens is poison, plain and simple. You know how John Mayer called his former girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, "sexual napalm"? Mayer meant that as a compliment. Well, I'm calling Terrell Owens "locker room napalm." I mean that as an insult. Owens destroys locker rooms everywhere he goes, alienating quarterbacks and coaches and fans. For a guy who doesn't beat up women or kill dogs or drive drunk, he's still one the 10 worst human beings in a league that smells of sewage.

And the Bengals want him? Really?

You know, I don't know why I'm surprised. These are the Bengals, after all. This is a franchise that endured a string of player arrests in 2006, and saw coach Marvin Lewis vow at his season-ending news conference to start cleaning up the team. That same day, the Bengals signed a player from Iowa State, Jason Berryman, who was kicked off the team at Iowa State and had recently spent 258 days in jail. The same day.

That's the Bengals. And this is why I'm done helping. We won 10 games in 2009, did the Bengals and me. We swept the Steelers, swept the Ravens, swept the Browns. We hosted a playoff game. We turned the corner.

Only, around the corner was Terrell Owens.

So I'm hopping off. Before the crash. The Bengals don't see the crash coming, but that's the Bengals.

Quarterback Carson Palmer, who currently deals with openly narcissistic Chad Johnson Ochocinco and who dealt for years with a more covert cretin in T.J. Houshmandzadeh, has given his consent to Terrell Owens. Asked by Bengals.com for his thoughts about playing with T.O., Palmer wrote back in a text message: "I'd love to. His past doesn't bother me at all. If any qb can deal with extravagant wrs, it's me."

Ochocinco also is on board with the possible addition of Owens, even clamoring for it during offseason interviews, although he's probably just playing the puppet, a role he plays well. Agent Drew Rosenhaus is pulling the strings here, telling one client (Ochocinco) to lobby for the signing of another client (Owens). It's obvious why. Nobody wants Owens. As good as he is at football, he's that miserable at life. He's poisonous, I'm telling you.

Look at the history:

• The Eagles go 6-10 with him in 2005. Owens leaves, and the Eagles improve to 10-6 with a playoff victory in '06.

• The Cowboys go 9-7 with him in 2008. Owens leaves, and the Cowboys improve to 11-5 with a playoff victory in '09.

• It works in reverse, too. The Bills go 7-9 without him in 2008. Owens arrives, and the Bills sink to 6-10. Now Owens is gone. Watch Buffalo go 8-8 or better in 2010.

The Bengals are a terrible fit for Owens, football-wise, and Rosenhaus knows it. Owens makes huge money, which means Rosenhaus makes huge money if T.O. has a huge year on the field. The Bengals are an offensively unimaginative team that prefers to give bullish back Cedric Benson 300 carries. Rosenhaus wants Owens in Cincinnati? Not really. He just wants Owens in the NFL, and Cincinnati is the only sucker willing to listen.

If it weren't for the Bengals, Owens would draw no interest. He literally might have to retire. Call it collusion or call it common sense, but NFL teams don't want this jerk on their team -- all but the Bengals, who are thinking about it. Ironic, in that the Bengals are one of the worst places for Owens to go. The quarterback, Palmer, is too meek to keep Owens under control. The head coach, Lewis, is too weak. The team's biggest star, Ochocinco, is too nuts. The owner/general manager, Mike Brown, is too naïve. In that locker room, in this city, Terrell Owens would run amok.

And this is my city. If it happens, it happens, but I'm done with the Bengals. If they sign Terrell Owens, I'm turning my attention and my affection toward the Browns.

As soon as they fire that idiot Mangini.