Hate Mail: Another lovefest is in the bag
Two big pieces of news came out this week. One, I had a vasectomy in 2003. Two, I made a media watchdog's Top 25 list of online writers, bloggers and tweeters.
If you thought I wouldn't mention either topic, well, you don't know me very well.
So read Hate Mail. It's Gregg Doyel For Dummies. But when you get to that part about my face and the toilet ... it's not true.
From: Krusty
All right. I hate to beat a dead horse, but I can't help it -- you need to change your picture. Holy s--- it creeps me out. It's like you're Lucifer, looking into my soul. The look on your face is strangely erotic and sinister at the same time. That photo is like the Mona Lisa, if Mona Lisa was a harlot from hell.
Jeez, I get it. I look evil and sexual all at once. Question: Is that supposed to bother me?
From: Bo
I read your articles as a form of laxative. Actually, just looking at your face usually does the trick.
Sexual arousal affects everyone differently. Myself, I sneeze.
From: Stephie
I saw the interview you did with The Big Lead a few years back. At one point in the discussion, you mention having a son. Honest to God, my jaw dropped! I didn't know whether to laugh or call Child Protective Services, because I'd be surprised if you could handle anything more than a pet rock. Sorry -- that was kind of mean. I actually like your stuff, so don't take it personally. This isn't Hate Mail, just I Think You're a Goofball Mail.
You'd be surprised if I could handle anything more than a pet rock ... and you think this isn't hate mail? Please don't ever write me anything that you WOULD consider hate mail. Not sure my dainty ego could take it.
From: Glenn
I was going to write and say don't go on vacation any more, but then I thought -- when you take time off, you could just have Freeman write your Hate Mail that week. No one will know any different.
And your letter started so nicely. Reading it was like ordering a McGriddle and being handed ... a McMuffin. Eww.
From: Jon W.
You should think about changing the name of Hate Mail to Love Mail. There's been a lot more love coming your way lately.
Like the pet rock comment and Freeman taking my place and my FACE being a laxative? Any more love, and I'm jumping off a tall building -- and I'll try to land on you, Jon.
From: Shirley
I bet they had to go in with the Jaws of Life to give you a vasectomy.
You're trying to be nice, in a sexually repulsive evil way, but if it's all the same to you, I'd ask you to leave alone the imagery of the Jaws of Life coming anywhere near my nether regions.
From: Nate Lewis
I have to admit, I am one of the many that has intentionally scheduled that procedure the third week of March for March Madness. It was spring of 2008. Best weekend ever -- couldn't get off the couch and watched basketball for four days straight!
A dog loses his manhood, and he mopes for years. A man loses his, and he calls it the best weekend ever. If dogs had thumbs, they'd rule this place.
From: John Davis
I had my vasectomy in September a few years back. Watched football all weekend. I also had minor knee surgery in September four or five years ago. Same thing. And now I'm having shoulder surgery Friday so I can watch all the conference tourneys.
You don't have March Madness. You have Munchausen Syndrome.
From: Rob Gastinger
Had my vasectomy during the NFL playoffs of '98. Two games on Saturday and two on Sunday, and I had it done Friday morning. Not only are you excused to remain reclined, but my wife was bringing me food and beverage -- and she made an effort to navigate the room so as not to block my view. Frickin' sweet!
Are we finished with vasectomy e-mails? The only scrotum that needs to be discussed in Hate Mail is mine. It's so impressive that it required the Jaws of Life, you know.
From: Bill Willis, Jr.
The Bill Willis Trophy -- mentioned in your Ndamukong Suh story as an award "you've never heard of" -- has been given yearly to the top collegiate defensive lineman since 1991 by The Touchdown Club of Columbus, Ohio. Bill Willis was a Hall of Fame guard with the NFL's Cleveland Browns, and also was Ohio State's first black football All-American.
Glad to see your dad has a Wiki page. Those are reserved for us stars.
From: Jimmy
A week without Hate Mail is like a week without ... I can't think of anything. But it sucks.
I love this game! Let me help: A week without Hate Mail is like a week without ... a McGriddle.
From: Burton DeWitt
I've been keeping score. I have two minions, you have two minions. You're more Googlable than I am; I'm more Bingable than you. I have Twitter; you have Twitter. That means the only reason (name redacted) employs you over me is because you have a sledgehammer. But my friend down the hall has a sledgehammer, and his girlfriend likes me more than she likes him. So what I'm asking is, (name redacted), once I possess said sledgehammer, can I have Doyel's job?
P.S. to Kenny E., I don't know of any other Burton DeWitt on Facebook, but if you're not sure I'm the one with the Facebook group about running for Congress in 2014. And Matthew J., as my other minion, feel free to add me too. This is war, Gregg. My minions are so well trained they don't even know they're my minions!
I read your e-mails as a form of laxative. Actually, just looking at your face usually does it.
From: Kenny E.
What in the hell do you get a week off for? A week off of doing nothing is still doing nothing.
Worst minion I ever saw. You could learn something from this next guy.
From: CT Hoosier
I thought my absence of a few weeks would have been a larger issue than your one-week vacation.
Nah, most of us figured you got busy with work. Or that your parole was revoked. Either way, we weren't concerned.
From: Thomas Burns
Jonathon Canoe is my second favorite writer on CBSSports.com. You're still No. 1, but Jonathon is a close second. He really deserves his own column. Got to go work on building a zip line in the back yard for the kids. Just trying to stay No. 1 Dad at our house.
Unless you live in Utah, I would assume you're the only dad in your house. Am I missing something? As for Jonathan Canoe, don't encourage him. He's one of the smarter readers I've ever had -- that's not saying much; no offense intended, TB -- but he knows he's smart. I hate smug people. They remind me of me, and I despise me.
From: Rand DesRosiers
My Lord, Lions, please you pickleheads take Suh! Are you nuts? This guy will rule four 12-15 years!
No reason to print your letter -- it wasn't mean to me or nice to me; it doesn't look like it was even FOR me -- but your name is an anagram for "sardine's orders." And also "rear sordidness."
From: Sei Mi Dong
I, along with everyone else living in Syracuse or associated with Syracuse basketball in any way, beg you to please withdraw your unofficial Twitter pick for Syracuse as champion this year. You are like a black cat walking over a broken mirror under a ladder. Everything you support goes to hell in a heartbeat. I bet within the next couple weeks, Kevin Durant is going to be indicted on drug trafficking charges and Suh will suffer from a career ending injury. Gregg Doyel = SI jinx + Madden curse + Kennedy family tragedies.
I can't find my Twitter prediction of a Syracuse national title. But your name is an anagram for lots of phrases, none of them as silly-sounding as "Sei Mi Dong".
From: Jack on Crack
How many women have you slept with?
Depends on how you constitute "sleeping with." And also whether I should be including that afternoon with your sister.
From: Cole
I hate Gary Parrish more than I hate you. At least you kind of play along with your douchebag-ness and are tongue in-cheek about it. Parrish has no idea -- he's completely serious. I don't know how often you come in contact with Gary, but next time please beat the crap out of him.
I'll have you know my douchebag-ness is not tongue in cheek!
From: J. Dub
Kentucky is "young and dumb"? These are kids you are writing about! Calipari said we are going to do some "dumb" things. For example, if your child did something dumb around the house, would you refer to them as your dumb kid? Just write the facts without twisting the words around, you douchebag.
And I'll have you know that I'm considered a friend of Kentucky Nation now -- so if you're my enemy, you're Kentucky's enemy, too. How long you been a Louisville fan? Anyway ... my douchebag-ness is tongue-in-cheek.
From: Allen Thomas
Roll Tide, pal! You over the whippin' your Gators took in the Georgia Dome in December? I'm sure it was really tough to accept, after you had just penned your editorial on how the Gators were the gold standard.
Your douchebag-ness is off the charts.
