Need a work excuse to watch the tourney? Step right up

This column will save your job. Clip it, tweet it, and share it. Just make sure your boss doesn't see it.

Many are searching for good excuses to miss work so they can watch the NCAA tournament in complete bliss. I have the flu. My grandma is ill. My car was stuck in traffic for three weeks. Those excuses are sooo 1980s.

Below are the best 65 excuses for missing work to watch the Big Dance ever compiled in one place. Enjoy and cherish them. Please be certain not to overuse them. They're like antibiotics -- too much unnecessary dosage diminishes their power.

Thank me after the tournament.

65. I got married over the weekend to Her.

64. Damn Prius.

63. I was at a Tea Party.

62. "There was a tornado, and then this wicked witch, and suddenly I wasn't in Kansas anymore. I'm telling you the truth!" -- Dorothy

61. "I was stressed from people using my name over and over again." –- Cinderella

60. Twitter addiction.

59. BlackBerry addiction.

58. Twitter on BlackBerry addiction.

57. Bob Knight whipped my ass.

56. Carrot Top convention.

55. One word: Lobsterfest.

54. The dream where Halle Berry fills out my bracket wearing a cheerleader outfit ran a little long.

53. My warp drive failed.

52. Prostate check went horribly awry.

51. Was hiking the Appalachian Trail.

50. Needed time to think of excuses for when I blow off work to watch Tiger Woods play The Masters.

49. Can't very well drink beer while at the office can I, Mr. Boss Man?

48. Muay Thai clinched.

47. "It was Obama's fault." -- Republicans

46. "It was George Bush's fault." -- The President

45. "This guy... he jumps into my car while I'm stopped at a red light and starts yelling, 'Where are the nukes!' I told him I had no idea what he's talking about. He said his name was Jack Bauer."

44. I was getting a sponge bath.

43. Decided to watch tourney with Brett Favre. Then he canceled. Then he agreed. Then he canceled. Then he agreed ...

42. I was traded to the Browns.

41. Got shot by a deer.

40. Pepper sprayed.

39. "It was the purple rain..." -- Prince

38. Roy Williams phoned. He needed help cleaning out his garage.

37. Got a lunch meeting with Dos Equis.

36. I was pimping for Tiger.

35. My Spock ears wouldn't come off.

34. Partied with Michael Jackson.

33. Was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

32. My marijuana field burned down.

31. Rogaine didn't work.

30. The Hazmat team left my home only yesterday.

29. Defibrillator malfunction.

28. Pit Bull ate my poodle.

27. "I was getting my popcorn ready." -- Terrell Owens

26. Bad stew and diarrhea.

25. Played against the UConn women.

24. Did a coin flip and decided to stay home.

23. Yeast infection.

22. Was buying Masters badges.

21. Lap band surgery.

20. Busy titling at windmills.

19. Winning a gold medal for Canada.

18. Beat up Chuck Liddell.

17. Steely Dan concert.

16. John Calipari put me on probation.

15. Took longer than I thought to spell "Krzyzewski."

14. Mesmerized by Tim Tebow's throwing motion.

13. Spike Lee movie marathon.

12. Working on healthcare reform.

11. Placing second at Derek Jeter look-a-like contest.

10. "Hookers and peanut oil...that's all I'll say without a lawyer." -- Charlie Sheen

9. Divorced John Daly.

8. Divorced John Daly.

7. Divorced John Daly.

6. Divorced John Daly.

5. Ever heard of Flavor Flav?

4. Attending violin practice.

3. Steroid needle injured my buttocks.

2. Kidnapped by Vegas showgirl.

1. Working on Tiger's new advertising motto: Just Do Me.

And if none of those work, try the Gregg Doyel: I had a vasectomy.